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Christmas was a time of surprises, some of them not always pleasant.  In fact, I don’t think I could remember one that was what I expected, and I had a very low level of expectation.

And, being that magical time of the year, once again, I had received my gilt-edged invitation to come visit my parents.  What filled me with trepidation was the address.

They had this knack of finding places, anywhere in the world, that were, well, different. 

Last year, it was a haunted Scottish castle.  The year before, they had found a dilapidated mansion in Louisiana that was once a slave owner’s residence and hadn’t been lived in for years.

This year?

A recently refurbished three-story mansion that once belonged to a railway magnate, had been a boarding school, then a bed and breakfast, and now was a billionaire’s retreat.

It was also rented out for those times the billionaire wasn’t there, which apparently was most of the time, a fact my parents seized on and most likely the reason why they took the place for Christmas.

It was going to be fun; snow, Santa and his sled, and the quaint celebrations of the small town nearby, a town which I don’t think would be quite ready for the eccentrics that made up the family members.

Good thing, then, I only had to see them once a year.

Eleanor had her bags packed, and we were waiting for the driver to pick her up and take her to the airport.  She, too, was going home for Christmas, only she had sane parents who lived in a normal town in a normal house and did normal things.

We had been together for a few months, and it was still a work in progress, getting used to a life living with someone else.  After so long on my own, it was a big adjustment.  She had just come off a bad breakup, and we were taking it slow.

I knew the last thing needed was her to meet my parents, and although the subject of family came up, more than once, I told her she was better off not knowing them. I told her, when she asked, to think of the Addams Family and then multiply it by a hundred.

As I said, early days.  This girl was big on the sanctity of family.

Just before the arrival time of her driver, there was a phone call.  If it was me, I would not have answered it because it had ‘ominous’ written all over it.

She answered, listened for a minute, said a few words, and then hung up.

“They’re snowed in, worst blizzards in a century.  No one in or out for a week, maybe more.  Change of plans.  I’ll be coming with you.”

I considered objecting but inevitably knew two things were going to happen, no matter what I said.  The first, that snippet in the paper’s star sign forecast, “unsettling news will cause a deep rift in a relationship” was as true as it was going to get, and the second, come New Year’s Day, I would be single again, though that was an optimistic assessment.

I just shook my head.  By the calendar, there were, at best, twelve days left, and I had better make the most of them.

On the plane, I tried to give her a rundown of the family members.  They were, to outsiders, very different to those who didn’t know them and those who did wisely kept their distance.

It’s why I worked and lived on the other side of the country, and overseas whenever there was an opportunity.  But, sometimes, I had to go and see them.  This was one of those occasions.  It was a matter of getting in and getting out as fast as possible.  By myself, it would be easy, with Eleanor, it would be impossible.

Only once before had I taken a girlfriend with me, the first time, and I vowed after that, never again.

I started with my father.  Inherited a fortune and kept it, unlike a lot of people who inherited fortunes and lost them.  He was brilliant but completely crazy.  He wears crazy coloured suits, dressed as a clown because he once wanted to be a circus clown, even running away as a child.

He was always interested in what I was doing with my life, and endlessly disappointed I was not married like my two brothers and sister.  His over-enthusiastic ministrations on that occasion were enough to never bring another.

Eleanor didn’t seem fazed.

Next was my mother, who once worked briefly at a circus as a trapeze artist.  I never quite got the story of how my parents met, only that she was over the top with everything she did.  That was makeup, clothes, speech, and flamboyance.  She made entrances and then commandeered the floor, extinguishing every other light in the room.

She regularly was in a story about her or something she was doing, so I was always up to date.  The latest project was a cancer wing at a hospital somewhere in Africa.

Leo, brother number one, the heir apparent, was a lazy indolent ass if ever there was one, who treated me very badly as a child and got away with it.  He was the chosen one who could do no wrong.

His wife, Maisie, was a mouse, and sought as little time with him as possible, making it what I would have called a marriage of convenience.  He often forgot he was married and featured with some socialite or starlet in the news or in what we called the ‘scandal sheets’.

I asked her once why she stayed, and the non-answer told me.  Some people could sacrifice a lot for a life that could hardly be imagined.  It was not every day you could mingle with royalty.

A word of warning, Leo would try his darnedest to take her off me.  He always had, and another reason why I didn’t bring anyone.

Younger brother Tom didn’t care about anything and just did his own thing.  He was an amazing painter, and one of his murals graced my lounge room wall.

The youngest sister, Francine, aspired to be a trapeze artist like her mother and actually got an audition at a circus but fell.  There was a safety net, but somehow, it collapsed on one side when she landed, spilling her onto the ground and ending any aspirations.  Now she had a slight limp, and a chip on her shoulder, but was my closest ally.

That relationship was forged over the six months I stayed with her in the hospital while the doctors put her back together.  I gave her the nickname Humpy Dumpty, which in hindsight was in very poor taste, but she loved it.

There were eccentric aunts and uncles, some of whom were egregious, some innocuous, others not so much, but I just avoided them.  By the time we touched down at the airport, if you could call it that, she knew as much about my family as I wanted to.

It was no surprise that Francine was at the airport with a card that said World’s Best Brother in that calligraphy hand that looked amazing.

So was the smile, and her general demeanour that for a long time had been sad.

Eleanor recognised her before I did.

Then I got the biggest hug, and right after that, Eleanor got one almost as big.  What she whispered in Eleanor’s ear I couldn’t hear, but the smile said it was probably about me.

“Just when I was beginning to think all of his family were crazies,” Eleanor said.

“We are.  Just some less so.  Did he tell you about the last time he brought a friend?”

“Only that it went badly.”

“‘And then some.  Just keep away from Leo.  He’s a serial pest.  The rest, well, I’ll make sure I’m with you at all times, and everything should be fine.”

Eleanor looked at me with a face that I recognised as ‘what have you got me into’.  I shrugged.  “Maybe being stuck in a blizzard had its advantages.”

“No.  It had to be done.  If we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, it is best to get it over and done with.”

Francine gave me the look.  “Who is this girl, and where did you find her?”

“It’s a long story.”

“Good.  Log fires and hot chocolate will never be the same.”

Of course, it was 20 questions plus another 200 during the drive to the mansion, another of those reputed to have a lot of paranormal activity, also famous for being used as a film set.

How my father discovered this little-known fact outside the film and paranormal investigators’ world was beyond me, but not unexpected.

“You’re going to love it.  Footsteps on the creaky stairs, noises from the attic, we’ve had a couple of blood-curdling screams.”

Turning off the road and onto the driveway, the arch formed by overhanging trees made it darker than usual, and with a noticeable change in atmosphere.

I shivered, half expecting to see a couple of headless ghosts crossing in front of us.  Then we came out into a clearing and the house before us bathed in sunshine.

“Well, there’s something I haven’t seen before.  Usually, it’s dark and dismal with snow falling.  Today was one of the few days we’ve been able to get up the driveway.  The gods must know you were coming, Alex.”

She stopped just short of the portico, and we got out.  It was freezing cold, sun out or not.

“Is it going to be the usual circus?” I asked. 

That circus, it was tradition that the visitors already there would line up to greet the new arrivals.  No one was spared the meet and greet session, which was why I’d left it as late as possible to arrive.

I had warned her of what to expect, and again, I was surprised it didn’t seem to faze her.

“Leave the bags.  We’ve got house staff to help.  Dad took the all-inclusive package.”

“Including the fright night show?”  Eleanor chose that moment to show she had a sense of humour.

“Especially the fright night show.”  Francine laughed.  Perhaps it was a joke of sorts passed in whispers earlier.

I braced myself.  This was going to get ugly very quickly.

Just past the hallway and where the building opened out into a very large entertaining area, perhaps the size of a ballroom, the family were spread out in a line, parents first, children and their children, uncles, aunts, and finally special guests.  There were about thirty in all, and I could see we were the last to arrive.  Francine stayed with Eleanor.

My father decided to play it reasonably straight, having a matching Christmas jumper with my mother, the sort no sane person would wear.

It was one of those traditions, and I was sure there was one waiting for me in our room. Francine didn’t wear one, but Leo and Tom would have to.

He ignored me and looked straight at Eleanor.  “I’m glad to see my son has finally decided to bring one of his friends.  How are you?”

“Why do you ask? Do you think I’m ill?”

It was not a response he expected, nor I.

“No.  It’s just a normal response when you greet someone.”

“Your son told me you and everyone else are anything but normal.  I hope you haven’t changed just to please me.”

He looked confused.  Finally, some who was not afraid to speak their mind.  And to me, it was a surprise that she would be what I would have said, annoyed.

“We are normal people, I assure you,” he said.

I shook my head.  “This isn’t going to be a very long visit, Dad, so don’t spare the horses.”

“Why, are you not staying for Christmas day?”  My mother decided to chime in.

“After the last time, what do you expect.  I doubt much has changed in ten years.  I expect that by the time I get to Leo and punch his lights out, you’ll be asking me to leave.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that.”

“Perhaps, then I suggest you talk to your favourite son.  The one I really feel sorry for is Tom.  He has to endure the bastard all year round.”

I could see Tom skulking in line, but there was no sign of Leo.  Probably he forgot I was arriving and was trying to make out with one of the staff.  Maisie was there, waiting, anxiously looking for her miscreant husband.

“Well, even if you are not pleased to see us, we are pleased to see you.  We would like it to be more than once a year though, now you have a friend.”

“It remains to be seen if she still is at the end of this circus.”

I felt an elbow in the ribs and looked to see that it was Eleanor, not Francine.  “Play nice, Alex.  I can stick up for myself.”

As we stepped sideways to greet Maisie, Leo came dashing in looking dishevelled, then slowed and smoothed out the wrinkles before stopping in front of Eleanor.

Leo at his best worst self.  Maisie groaned.

“Well, what have we here, Alex?” he gushed.

All smiles, he reached out to give her a hug.  She stepped back slightly and said, “You would be well advised not to invade my private space, Leo.”

He stopped almost crashing into her.  “I’m sorry.”  The urbane affable mantle slipped slightly at the rejection, but if I knew anything about him, it was just a minor setback, a challenge to be overcome.  “You are Alex’s friend?”

“Girlfriend, yes.  Alex’s girlfriend, are you that stupid that I need to spell it out slowly for you so you can understand me.” She said the last words very slowly like she was talking to the village idiot.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Francine grinning like a Cheshire cat.

The whole group had stopped what they were doing, and all eyes were now focused on Leo.  He was used to being the centre of attention, but not like this.

“I am not stupid.”

“Fine.  Let’s run with that.  Who am I?”

“You are Alex’s girlfriend.”  He said it quietly.

“Louder, much Louder, Leo.  Who am I?”

“You are Alex’s girlfriend.”

“I am.”  She looked up and down the line.  “Everyone get that?”

She had their unfettered attention.  It was a side of her I’d not seen, but it was one I liked.  I was hoping to punch Leo’s lights out, but this had kyboshed my moment.  She had them all in the palm of her hand.

Everyone nodded.

Then it was back to Leo.  “Whoever you were schmoozing before you arrived late, late, I might add to greet your brother, was just simply rude.  It’s not the sort of behaviour I would expect from a brother-in-law, so from today, it stops.  You can now tell everyone and, particularly, your wife that you will no longer be sleeping with other women.”

“I was…”

“Are you going to add liar to the list of your misdemeanours, Leo?”

She had that look of a woman who didn’t like men who lied or slept around, and I’m guessing that had something to do with her last breakup.

“No.”

“Then…”

He made his apology and promise. It was the biggest humiliation I’d seen him take.  I doubted whether it would have any impact on his behaviour, but it was a highlight, nonetheless.

She came back to where I was standing next to my mother, who had been astonished more than anything else.

She looked my hand in hers and I looked at both my father and mother.

“Despite what either of you might think, Alex is not a failure.  If you’re looking for utter failures, try Leo.  You have spent far too much time pandering to a complete idiot, and in the process, you have ignored the three other children in your lives.  I expect this will be the year you address that issue.  Yes?”

They got a disapproving glare in their direction, so they agreed.  Loud enough that everyone could hear.

“Excellent.  Now let’s get on with this meet and greet.”

I saw the meaningful look between Francine and Eleanor and just put two and two together.  Eleanor knew far too much about my family for her to pick that up from my briefing, so there was only one other explanation.

“When did you and Francine first meet?”

She smiled.  “What gave it away?”

“I belatedly realised the hug at the airport was a little more effusive than a first meeting?”

“It was the first time we met in person, not the first time we talked.  She called, I answered your phone, and we clicked.  You’re her hero, you know, and would do anything for you.  She wanted to shoot Leo, and I had to talk her out of it.”

“I want to kill him too.”

“I know.  Now you won’t have to go needlessly to jail over a worthless piece of shit.”

“He won’t change you know.”

“He will.  There’s a clause in the will that drives the inheritance.  Maisie has filed for divorce, and if it goes through, he’s no longer the heir.”

“Who is?”

“You.  But it won’t come to that.  Unless he really is that stupid.  So let’s not dwell on that loathsome creature.  There are so many eccentrics and so little time.  Who is that guy that looks like Uncle Fester?”

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©  Charles Heath  2024

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