I fell asleep in front of the computer screen

And when I woke up, I realised that I had just had a very bad dream. Or don’t they call bad dreams nightmares?

Can you diagnose yourself as having depression?

Of course, if you were to tell someone else, in one of this very serious tones, “I think I have depression” they will ask you what you’ve got to be depressed about.

It’s a good question. My first answer would be, “why did the doctor put my on anti depressants?” You know the stuff they give you, some derivative of serapax,

Then, if you tell anyone you’re on that stuff, they turn around and tell you just how bad it is and get off it right now.

That’s all very well, but you tell them you still have depression, and so the argument goes on.

But…

These days, they use low doses of anti depressants to manage pain, and in my case back pain. The first pill they gave me was lyrica, which slowly took my memory away so that I couldn’t remember what anyone had said earlier in the day.

I thought I had early onset Alzheimer’s, or worse, dementia.

So I got off that, got the pain back, and moved to anti depressants. Now I’m seeing things.

That might help with the imagination for writing stories sometimes, but telling people you see the patterns on tiles moving is not a good start to any conversation.

Back to depression, though. It might be caused by being locked down and not being able to go anywhere, but that has never bothered me because I hate going out.

It might be a result of my childhood coming back to haunt me, and, believe me, you would not want the childhood I had, but it’s a maybe. A lot of old people find their past creeping up on them, and what happened 60 years ago seems more relevant than what happened 60 minutes ago.

You might think you’re badly done by, that everyone else is responsible for the mess you made of your life, if it is indeed a mess, but no, that isn’t true. My life is exactly what it’s meant to be, though how I got here remains the biggest of mysteries.

It’s why I’m writing the autobiography of a very ordinary nobody.

OK, that might be a hint, thinking I’m a nobody. After all, when I go out I always feel like I’m invisible.

A friend of mine tells me he always cries when there’s a sad part of a film on, and that’s his determination of depression.

I do too, but I don’t think it’s that.

After all, I did psychology and should understand the nuances of the human psyche, what makes us happy, what makes us sad, what makes us us.

So, rightly or wrongly I’ve stopped taking the anti depressants.

If suddenly my blog suddenly stops, you’ll know I’ve made the wrong decision.

6 thoughts on “I fell asleep in front of the computer screen

  1. I have dealt with both, and even spent 28 days in a mental hospital. I hate taking meds, and I am not good at taking them. But, I am thinking of you and hoping for relief from the pain and for you to find peace. You are somebody, a blogger I enjoy reading, so your value is steady. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Charles,
    I’ve found that depression can be situational. All this crap in the past year with lockdowns as if we are all criminals, then having to don a mask so that we cannot catch our breath or even enjoy a smile, and being told to stay away from those we love has been devastating on our collective psyches. Then the constant, ever shifting statistical bombardment that we are all going to die if we step outside our homes, Then watching politicians live it up in fancy restaurants and stepping out without mask, while we watch our family members and friends lose their jobs. . .Well, it is no wonder that depression is a growing epidemic. . . I will admit that I have become depressed myself because of the Keystone Pipeline being shutdown. . .My family depends on that for income. We are nothing but abstractions to those in power. . .I can understand totally what you mean when you say you feel invisible. I love to write, but I haven’t felt like I have the energy to even promote my books. How can I? Where do I start? Sorry if I’ve gone on too long with this response; I know it is not about me, but maybe it is about us all. This situation in this life is just sad, no wonder we are depressed. Anyway, I guess we have to just all trust that this season is just temporary and that tomorrow will be a better day. May God comfort us all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is about all of us, not just the one, and yes I agree there are those who are do as I say not as I do. But, as my father always said, life is not fair all of the time, only some of the time, and we must make the best of those times.
      He’s 97 so there must be something in that.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes, you truly are somebody. I enjoy reading what you write. I would sorely miss seeing your name (or the name of this blog of yours – THRILLS!) in my inbox every day. And I agree this is happening to many of us. The meds are problematic in themselves, too. You can do this!!

    Liked by 1 person

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