Days 298 and 299
Writing exercise – Using the most elaborate lie you have ever told, sell it to the reader
…
It was the sort of stuff spy novels had in abundance.
But it was my imagination, fueled by scores of those very same stories all rolled into one, that I used to explain why I was missing from school to classmates who thought I was the most boring and uninteresting person they had ever known.
I knew what they’d say, so I was going to take them on a journey, and in my childish mind, I was going to make it as believable as I could.
Of course, what a child imagines to be true and what actually is are two very different things.
But, like everything that ever happened to me, it didn’t start out as an opportunity to do the right thing; it was at the end of some very stinging barbs from Alistair Goodall, my tormentor and school bully.
…
I glared at him with all the hatred I could muster, which, considering he was a foot taller and about 50 pounds heavier than I, was really a waste of time.
He had just told everyone within hearing range that my absence had simply been because I was too scared to come to school, because he had threatened to beat me up.
It was true, but I wasn’t going to let that be my defining moment. Instead, I blurted out, “The whole family had to go into hiding because of things my father knew, and his life was in danger.”
Yes, we had gone away, but it was to another country, where my mother’s parents lived, and they had been killed in an accident. It was quite sudden; my mother and sister had gone first, and then my father and I followed. He had difficulty getting away, and it had been a last-minute decision.
He had to come back, and despite my pleas to leave me with my mother, he dragged me back, oblivious to the predicament I was in with Alistair Goodall.
Goodall looked at me incredulously at first, then with a smile. “Good try, squirt. You almost had me believing it. Your dad an informer? My dad’s a cop, so I’ll ask him, but we both know what he’s going to say.” He took a step closer. I braced for impact.
But then, realising I was digging a bigger hole, one that I might not get out of, “Your dad wouldn’t have a clue about witness protection. It wouldn’t be witness protection if everyone knew about it. This is stuff beyond his pay grade.”
I remembered a TV show I had seen while away, about witness protection, and how it was supposed to be secret, but the witness was sold out by the bad guy’s man in the police force.
“My dad’s very important,” he said, his voice raised an octave, a sure sign he was losing this war of words.
“Then if you went home and started asking questions about witnesses who are supposed to be in protection, then he would lose his job, or worse, go to jail for blabbing secrets.”
“Your blabbing secrets.”
“You’re threatening to beat me up if I don’t tell you where I’ve been. Just threatening me into telling you is gonna get you into a heap of trouble. I suggest you let it go, and we keep this between us. Or can’t you keep secrets?”
“I can too.”
The whine in his voice told me that I had bested him, but for how long was a moot question. He was not going to keep this a secret.
…
The school term ended in an uneasy truce between Alistair and me, and the whole school broke for the summer holidays. It meant I could escape Alistair’s persecution, at least for a few weeks, time enough for the rest of the family to return, and a semblance of normalcy to return.
I had just about put the great lie out of my mind when Alistair turned up outside my house with a smug smile. That idea of keeping secrets was not one of his strong points.
“You’re really for it, now, squirt. My dad knows nothing about this crap story of yours. In fact, he copped a serve at work, and he’s coming around to put the pair of you straight.”
Damn. Why could the miserable twisted arse just let it go?
“You wanna be anywhere but here when he gets here.”
He walked off laughing, thinking he’d bought me a whole new world of pain.
My father was home for a week, which was a shame, because he was never home, always busy, too busy to be bothered with any of us. It would have been better if he hadn’t, or my mother was here, which she was not, still delayed in her return.
I spent a good hour trying to think of how I was going to get out of this one, but whatever I did, there was no chance I was not going to get a beating for this. Goodall was a copper, and although my father said he was a bully and a terrible excuse for a local plod, as he called him, he was still the law. Previous infractions I had been accused of were all true, and it had got me into trouble and a warning; there had better not be a next time.
This was the next time, and it was a doozy.
There was only one path I could go down.
My father was in his study when I went to look for him. He was always working on something, with books and charts all over the desk. I never asked, and he never volunteered what his job was, but I would have to ask one day.
I knocked on the door and waited a minute or two before he asked me to come in.
“Did I hear you talking to someone before?”
“Alistair Goodall, bully son of the local copper. As bad as his father, he uses him as a shield. I’d complain about him, but you keep saying I have to man up. There’s no manning up against the likes of him.”
I had considered whinging about the kid, but I knew my father wouldn’t accept that as trying hard enough to find my own solution, and it was useless telling him there wasn’t one.
He looked at. “Your mother said you were being bullied. Why didn’t you come and see me?”
“You’re never home, and you reckon I have to sort it out myself. Bit hard when he’s taller and heavier than I am. And I don’t think you’d appreciate me hitting him with a baseball bat.”
“Drastic but effective, no doubt, but not worth the jail time. Why are you telling me this?”
He wanted to know why I was away recently. I couldn’t tell him; he threatened to beat me up, so I made up a lie. The truth was too lame for a moron like him.”
“What lie?”
I told him and watched the already dark features go a lot darker.
“And you expected he wouldn’t take it to his father for confirmation?”
“Plods don’t get told anything, of course, he wouldn’t know, and even if it was true, no one from up the chain would share that with a fool like Goodall. Even I know that much.”
“How do you know all this stuff?”
“Reading. I’ve read a lot of books, seen films and TV shows. I know a lot of it is make-believe, but there have to be elements of it that are true. The point is that I told Alistair that it was a secret and asked him to keep it. I mean, in real circumstances, we would be trusting him, which you would think from all the bluster that he could. If it had been a test, he failed spectacularly. As for his father, sure, he would understand the nature of witness protection and the necessity for secrecy, so blabbing it to his superiors was wrong on so many levels. I’m sure they would have said they knew nothing about it, even if they did.”
My father thought about that for a minute, perhaps looking to point out the flaws in the logic, but I couldn’t see any.
“I don’t like Goodall. Got on my wrong side when he first became a Sergeant. Too smug by half, and, as you say, a bully who uses his position. You were wrong to lie. Now, go upstairs. I’ll deal with Goodall.”
…
I was sitting behind the wall at the top of the stairs, waiting for Goodall to come. I wondered if he would bring the toad Alistair with him.
The pounding on the door almost made my heart stop. My father took his time to answer the door, and then, “Sergeant Goodall, what do we owe the honour of this visit?” It was the most pleasant tone I’d ever heard my father use, to anyone.
“Mr. Laramie…” Goodall senior only had one level of speaking, loud and confrontational.
“Sergeant Goodall, there are two things I expect from any visitor who comes to my door: that the visitor address me in a civil tone, and not make their cases on my doorstep. Now, if you give me your word you will be civil, I will invite you in.”
He must have nodded because I heard footsteps and the door closed. His office was on the ground floor, up the passage. I would be able to hear them if the door to the office wasn’t closed.
“Now, Sergeant Goodall, what exactly is the problem?”
“Your son is telling preposterous lies.”
“You son is a bully, and my son fears going to school because of him. I think you should be attending to your son’s proclivities rather tan worry about what my son says. Most kids his age speak utter gibberish at the best of times.”
A moments silence before, “It;s not the fact it;s lies its the nature of the lie.”
“Oh. The fact that we were away. Well, there’s something else you should be admonishing that wretch of a child of yours for. My son told him the truth. and gave him a warning that it was not to be put about, in fact, as I understand it, he told your son that it was to be kept secret, and because he believed your son, being the son of a respectable policeman who understands the nature of these sorts of secrets, could keep it. The fact that he couldn’t keep that simple secret disappointed my son, disappointed me, and disappointed the people who arranged our sojourn, while some very nasty people were put away. They are, at the very least, extremely disappointed that you were poking around in matters that were way above your pay grade. If my son comes home any time in the new year complaining about your son, I will forget about being magnanimous this one time, in the hope you can address the issues you have; if he comes home with a complaint, all bets are off. Do I make myself clear?”
“He was not lying?”
“He was trying to avoid being beaten up by a thug, Goodall. He trusted your boy, and he let him down badly. This matter should not be discussed, here or anywhere, and I expect by the time you pass through my front door, the matter of our sojourn will be forgotten, and the problem with your child will be on the way to being resolved. Now, if that’s all….”
A few seconds later, I heard Goodall being bundled out the door, and it closed firmly behind him.
…
My father took a risk, but it paid off.
By the end of the summer holidays, Goodall had moved on to another station and taken his wretched son with him.
Goodall wasn’t the only bully at that school, but I learned a new way to deal with them, one that didn’t include elaborate lies. Those I saved for the stories I started writing.
…
© Charles Heath 2025