A to Z – April – 2026 – O

O is for – Outcast

I hated reunions.  My family insisted on one every five years, and the only excuse for missing one was if you were dead.

I tried to pretend that I didn’t get the invitation, but my older sister Elaine flew to the middle of nowhere, as she called it, to take me back.  She even paid for the ticket.

She was so rich I was surprised she hadn’t come down in the family jet.  Yes, they had one, and yes, she could fly it.

I hated her.

I was the black sheep.  I was the one who was always in trouble, married the wrong girl, invested in scams, and ended up in a shack with no one and nothing to show for my life.  Oh yes, and a nothing job as a security guard.  I just had to turn up and go home.

It didn’t matter how many times I mentioned this, Elaine said that it didn’t matter. Family was everything.  I would have accepted that, except for her tone.  It was the same one she used when admonishing me when my marriage fell apart.

It’s not your fault, but who else is there to blame?

Elaine lived in New York, Merilyn lived in San Francisco, Roger lived in Albuquerque, and Sam, the family hero, lived in Washington.  Every one of my brothers and sisters was a high achiever.

My father, joking, he would say, would sometimes ask whether or not my mother had had an affair, and I was the result of it.  She didn’t quite see the joke in it, but I could.  He was happy I was out of sight and out of mind.

Elaine swept into a room, followed by adulation.

I stayed at the door and barely got a glance. 

Until my father saw me.  “James.  I’m so glad you could make it.”  He didn’t move from his seat.

What he meant to say, as he had in the past, was ‘look what the cat dragged in’   It was a surprise he hadn’t.

My mother looked over, and I could see just that momentary sigh, as if it wouldn’t be a bad thing if I’d just stayed away.

Then smiled and said, “James, you made it.  I thought you had something you couldn’t get away from?”

True.  I was using a non-existent conference as an excuse.  “This was more important,” I said

Her look told me it wasn’t. 

Roger and Marilyn had already arrived.  The Star Act, Sam, would make the grand entrance, outdoing Elaine.  It was a competition, and he had no chance, even if he was elected president.

Roger came over.  “You know this isn’t going to end well.  You look well.”  No handshake, no hug, nothing.  It was like we were not related.

“Nice to see you too, bro.”

He winced.  Yes, I can read his mind, ‘don’t call me bro, you asshole, and we’re definitely not related’.

Merilyn was a little better. She gave me a two-second hug.  She was the second-lowest high achiever, one rung above me, and not married yet.

Mother’s looks covered her sentiment, “You’re getting older, and it’s harder when you have children at that age”.

She couldn’t tell her mother she hated the idea of having children, much less bringing them into this horrible world.  Maybe I would.

Now, if I went up to my old room, left as it was the day I stormed out, maybe no one would notice me.

“Jimbo.  You came?”

Alex, Elaine’s husband, had been hiding out back.

“Your wife dragged me here under threat of death.  I had no choice.”  And wait for it…

“Everyone has a choice, Jimbo.”

Jimbo.  The cretin couldn’t even get my name right, or it was his way of treating me like I was nothing.  I’d corrected him for a few months and then given up.  His contempt for me knew no bounds.

He was riding on her coattails, and that was a marriage that was heading for the rocks.  He was a ‘player’.  Snobby pretentious twit.

Elaine was still doing the rounds and had the limelight.  Alex would wait a minute and then attempt to take it away.

My cue to leave.  Before I ran into Angelique, Rogers long-time partner with no wedding date in sight, a pretentious girl with a phony French accent. 

No one knew she had been a Playboy model and a porn actress before she met Roger.

We had a pact.  I wouldn’t tell anyone, and she wouldn’t treat me condescendingly, but that was two years ago.  She’d have to think the secret was safe.

If Sam made the move and started down the presidential path, the skeletons were not going to stay in the closet very long.

“James.”  She had a nice voice and was alarmingly beautiful.

“Angelique.”

“Back for round three?  I saw you arrive with Elaine, so perhaps not willingly?”

“Elaine made a special trip.”

“Then you can bet there’s trouble in paradise.”  She smiled.  “Try not to listen through keyholes.”

In other words, get the gossip; something is going on.  Or not, I could never quite tell what she meant.

The noise level dropped, and everyone was grabbing a seat.  Like musical chairs, the last man standing was the last man standing.

Mother saw me by the door.  “Just grab a chair in the dining room, dear.”

“No need.  I’m going up to my room to sulk.  You lot feel free to talk about me.  My situation hadn’t changed since the last time I was here, so I have nothing to add.”

“Don’t be like that.  You are as much a part of the family as all of us.”

It sounded earnest and welcoming, but mothers all practised that line.  What she was really saying was ‘please go so I can talk to Elaine’.

Dad was thinking, ‘son of the bloody milkman’, and Alex, ‘please leave and don’t come back’.  Of course, without the ‘please’.

I shrugged.  “I’ll be down for dinner.  It’ll give you time to think up some insightful questions.”

Then I left, closing the sliding doors that felt like I was stepping from one world into another.

And bumped into Sam.

Who immediately motioned me to be quiet and follow him into the study up the passage.  Inside, he closed the door.

“What the hell, Sam?”

“I don’t want them to know I’m here yet.”

“Why.  You’re the golden boy, just one step removed from Elaine.  But if you…”

“I’m not.”

“What?”

“Running for office.”

“Why?  Because you have a low-life brother.  I’m sure no one cares.”

“No one does.  No, there are bigger secrets than that that would come out, secrets I’m sure no one really knows about, or if they did, they would have told me.”

“What secrets?”  I hardly thought an ex-porn actress would cause problems because nearly all of the current era presidents were known to dabble.

“That’s what I’m here to find out.  And you are the only one no one cares about. I need your help.”

“I’m a useless security guard.”

“You are the only one who hadn’t got an axe to grind out of that lot in that room.  I’m sure if I asked you to give me a one-sentence description of each of them, it would be caustic but true.”

“I can’t help you.  Haven’t you got staff who do that sort of thing?”

“I can’t trust any of them.  There’s no loyalty, just a paycheck.  But tomorrow, they’d sell me out for twenty pieces of gold.  It’s politics at its finest.  So, are you in?”

“Just you and me?”

“Just you and me.  Shake on it.  Your word is your bond.”

“And you being a politician…”

“I get it.  I do.  But yes.  I give you my word.”

I shook his hand

This had all the hallmarks of a gag they had all thought up before I got here, and it was going to explode in my face.  Sam was the last person I could trust and would.

“Now what?”

“We go in and work the room.”

Why did I feel like this was a setup of the worst order?  They could have just found an old girlfriend to humiliate me, but no, Sam and Elaine were always trying to outdo each other at my expense.

At least when it was over, I could leave.  And this time, I would go where neither of them could find me.

©  Charles Heath  2025-2026

365 Days of writing, 2026 – 90

Day 90 – Writing Exercise – The case of the missing passport

There is nothing worse than being in a foreign country and not having your passport.

Or lose it and not know where you lost it.

Or you hid it in what you thought was a safe place, and when you went back, it was not there.

And worse again, know that someone had been in your room, someone you did not want to think would take it.

Those were the choices.

And sitting in a small room in a very large building with a reputation for those going in not necessarily ever coming out again, all of that was cycling through the army head.

There were bigger issues in play, and it was going to be interesting to see how this played out, because in the final wash-up, no matter what happened to me, someone else was in for a very nasty surprise.

My arrival was not without incident, and going through immigration, where I should have been treated as just another member of the consular staff, I had been detained at the airport.

First time ever.

And, of course, not unexpected.

At the briefing before I got on the plane, three people were sitting at the table.  It was unusual because these meetings were usually in a back-alley Cafe where no one cared who you were or what you were.

It bothered me because it had been done in haste, and in my experience, urgency led to mistakes and mistakes led to disaster.

One of our embassies had a traitor.

It couldn’t be handled internally because the notification from an anonymous source said they couldn’t trust anyone, from the head of station down.  That, in itself, sent shockwaves through the man who was obviously in charge of the investigation.

“This matter is urgent.  The PM is going there to sign a historic trade deal and a security deal that is not being advertised.  This allegation makes it a security nightmare.  You will have a week to find out if this is true, and if it is, who.”

“How are you going to explain my sudden arrival?”

I’d seen the activity log for the past year, a rather odd document to add to a briefing package, but it highlighted one simple thing: staff rotations were minimal.  The government also required a full biography of incoming staff and their function.

“Additional help to finalise the draft trade deal document, a specialist in such matters.”

“Which I am not.”

Another of those sitting around the table leaned forward.  “That’s my job, to bring you up to speed.”

Less and less I was liking this.  A knee-jerk reaction, at best.

Proper operations took weeks to put in place.  I wasn’t going to ask about the pedigree of this one.

“You will be a high-level trade negotiator.  You just need to know the basics and get the team over the line.”

“And no one will know anything else?”

“We will be asking the head of station to provide a full background on staff involved in the development of the deal, and their counterparts in the government.  He will not know who you really are.”

But will, if he has even half a brain, know something is afoot.

“And that’s not going to raise suspicions.  If the note is legitimate, then one person will know.  And by implication, if this is a false flag, then…”

I didn’t finish because we all suddenly knew what the stakes were.  We would be handing them a spy.

That briefing didn’t end well.

I was not a spy.

Far from it, I was a fix-it specialist who sometimes got thrown in at the very deep end.

Ostensibly, I was a lowly consular clerk from one of the West Indies islands, sent there several months ago to de-stress from a previous mission in Europe that had gone terribly wrong.

I had anonymity, was not on any radars, and was very adept at blending in.  No one in my previous station knew I existed.

It’s why, when I arrived at the airport, I only got as far as the immigration desk before alarm bells were going off.

It should have been a rubber stamp in the passport of one Alexander Blaine.

It was not.

They knew I was here to join the consular staff, and they knew my life history better than I knew my own.

But, for simplicity’s sake, it mirrored my real-life history.

There, after being taken aside by a man with a scar, and a very severe expression and two soldiers who looked like they wouldn’t need much of an excuse to shoot me, I was brought to an interrogation room.

At least there was no table covered in interrogation tools

I didn’t have to wait long before an immaculately dressed officer who was not police came in, quietly closing the door behind him.

The affable interrogator, the one who wants you to be his friend, the one who asked endless oblique questions, then slips in the doozy.

“Mr Blaine, I presume?”

“I am.”

He moved from the door to the other seat, then stood behind it.  Looking down, establishing a position of power.

“You did not ask or protest about being detained.”

“Why would I?  I expect you have a reason for why I’m here.”

“You are a new embassy official.”

That wasn’t the reason, but from this point on, I was looking for tells, a sign of a reaction to a question or answer he was not expecting.

“Temporary.  They sent me to help work on the trade agreement details.”

“You are an expert?”

“That’s a much overused and maligned word.  Expert, no, experienced, yes, but in getting deals over the line more than anything else.  Fresh eyes, you know, often see what others can’t.”

“The same could be said for spies?”

There it is.  A bit more direct than most, but he was relaxed, the manner and atmosphere friendly, the delivery almost conversational.

“I guess if you read John Le’carre or Charles Cumming perhaps. I am an avid reader of spy novels. Or Sherlock Holmes.  He picked up those small things.  Me, not so good.  Is there something wrong?  If there is, my quick study of your content was wrong.”

“Another oddity, wouldn’t you say?”

“In my case, no.  The government handout on your country was at least six years out of date, so I dug deeper.  The mark of a half-decent diplomat is to at least know the customs and history of the country you are going to work in. And of course, the power of observation.  Would you not do so if you came to my country?”

Not an answer he wanted.  His expression changed very quickly before the benign one came back.

He asked for an example.

I gave him six with historical and historical context.

“Where were you last?”

“England.

“Before that?”

I was going to say Scotland, but something told me he knew a lot more than I thought he did.

“West Indies.”

“By and large, a place you would not want to leave.”

“No.  But I go where I’m told to go.  Until I get to be 40 years old.  Our government doesn’t always do things that make sense.”

“What government does?”

He walked over to the door and opened it.  “Behave, Mr Blaine, and we will not see each other again.”

“I fully intend to, Sir.”

If my arrival at the arrivals gate to the country raised suspicion, my arrival in the foyer of the embassy made that event look more like my first day at a new kindergarten.

I did not believe that the receptionist didn’t know that I was coming.  My imminent arrival had been signalled three days before I landed, and yet here I was, waiting like an asylum seeker in the waiting room.

Had the ambassador simply forgotten?

I had read up on and memorised the names and faces of the thirteen permanent staff, and the seven temporary members of the trade talks negotiating team.

There were no immediate red flags, but there were questions on several.  Gaps that needed explanation.

Fifteen minutes after I sat down, the head of station, or the Embassy Security chief, David Forster, came out.

“I am sorry, Mr Blaine, but we all got our wires crossed, and the dates mixed up.  The Ambassador is not here at the moment and forgot to pass on the information about your impending early arrival.  The day in the calendar was for tomorrow.  I had to call London to get confirmation.”

Not the ambassador himself?  It was more likely he was sending a photograph to a colleague and asking for more serious information about me.  Security chiefs were usually old spies who worked in, or with, the clandestine world, or could still be in the employ of MI5.

With any luck, he might not get very much.  I had been assured that my file was one that matched my new identity, but I’d had such assurances before.

“Would you like to follow me?’

I didn’t, but that was just me after a long day of travelling.

“Of course.”

We walked through the employees-only door into the rather interesting, at least to me, world of the British Diplomatic Service.

From the entrance to the security chief’s office wasn’t far, but it afforded me glimpses of 8 staff members and their locations.  There were very discreet glances, and no sign of the trade team.  I suspect they were on a different floor.

He followed me into the office and shut the door.  I got the impression it wasn’t shut often because it had got larger than the frame and was stuck before it could fully close.

We sat.  “Any trouble getting through the airport?”

I suspect there may have been a call to the embassy before the officer came to see me.

“Yes, actually.  I was pulled out of the line and taken to an interview room.  Some military type in an immaculately uniform asked me a few questions.”

“Sounds like it was Inspector Mecat, the head of the MI5 equivalent in this country.  There are also secret police, and you don’t want to tango with them.  Very nasty.  Very, very nasty.”

Then I won’t, I said to myself.

“Do we work with the police and Mecat’s people?”

“Mecat?  If we need to, otherwise we stay the hell away from them.  And the secret police.  You’ll see them around, part of the new government.”

“And if either arrests me?”

“Then you are on your own.  Your specific instructions, which I’m sure you were given in the memo, are that you’re here to do your job and nothing else.  That you have chosen to live away from the sanctuary of the embassy wasn’t the wisest thing to do, but others have and have not got into trouble.”

Good to know, but the warning was there.  I also got the feeling he was not across my real purpose there, and was making a guess, and that remark, ” You’re on your own, told me that he believed I was not just for the trade agreement.

“I’m just following instructions from above.  Is there something going on here that they don’t know about?”

“Nothing more than working in a country with a quasi-dictatorial government.  It’s no different to some of the embassies in Africa.  I see you’re from Jamaica station.  What were you doing there?”

As if he didn’t know.  I could see the MI5 training, sneaking out from under the forced affability, and if he was not a spook, or of recent vintage, then I would be very surprised.

“Sorting out people who think they can travel to another country and behave inappropriately.  I was working on a trade deal there, but that sort of went badly.  It turned out to be almost a holiday.  I asked for something better, and here I am.”

“Your qualifications are noted as negotiator, and that you started in commerce and trade.  Odd, you were not part of the original team.”

So he had delved into the cover file.

“I’m told I have many talents by my friends, but I always think they’re having a lark.  We all do whatever we can these days.  No diplomatic job has a single focus.  But I’m sure you have better things to do with your time.”

He gave me a long, hard look, the sort you give to an adversary just before the boom is lowered.

“As you say.  The place doesn’t run itself, and when the ambassador is out, well, you know the drill.”

I did and stood.  “Just point me in the direction of the team.”

….

There were several floors.  The ground, the main entrance, guarded and ready for invasions, big or small, the first, the main embassy offices, the second, conference rooms and offices, the third, the ballroom, cafeteria and amenities, fourth and fifth, accommodation.

We went up one floor and to the conference room where the segment members of the team were sitting.  They were in the middle of a discussion when we appeared in the doorway.

He introduced me and left.

Mark Ryder was the leader.  He had been informed I was coming and had sent a strongly worded reply saying I wasn’t needed.  He was going to be a hostile

Next to him, a middle-aged woman, the sort who was dedicated to the job, Professor Annie Jenkins, Oxford-trained and prone to speaking plainly, sometimes too plainly.

Next to her, Bonnie Carson, early twenties, severe expression, personal assistant to the Professor, but an Economics graduate with an M.B.A, and some others like Art History.

On the other side, James Williams, a lawyer, worked on major cases that involved political legal matters and constitutional law.  A man who takes matters very seriously.

Next to him, Jamie Lawson, also a lawyer, one who didn’t take himself seriously, has a current relationship with a local woman, one he hadn’t told anyone else about.

And last, Jane Porter.  She was an enigma.  I read her resume, and it was just that fraction too good.  Yes, she had been at the places she said she had, but I don’t think the qualifications attained were accurate.

She was a last-minute addition, replacing a girl who got sick the day before the team was to leave, and it remained unexplained what caused her illness.

Jane Porter was at the top of my list of suspects.

“So,” Ryder said, after leaving just the right amount of squirm time before addressing me, “just what are the lords and masters in the ivory tower up to?”

Did I say he was noted for his disparagement of the management of government departments being run by the privileged few, men he believed were only there by title and not experience or know-how?

He was right, of course, but it was suicide to say it out loud.

I shrugged.  “That you will have to ask those back in the ivory tower.  I got a memo saying get on a plane and get here, and that you would fill me in.  So,” I said as I dragged a chair out from under the table, noisily, and dropped my laptop on the desk with a bang, “you tell me what kind of shit-fest you’ve got going here that I get dragged halfway around the world to sort it out?”

Note in file: does not handle confrontation well.

It was true.  I knew the sort and had to deal with them since I left university, even in university if it came to that.

The two hours it took to get up to speed were illuminating.  The problems were not the deal; the problem was with the government’s attitude to matters relating to human rights.

That was the reason I was given back in London, and not the Ryder nebulous excuse that their negotiators didn’t like several clauses relating to the mining and export of rare earth minerals.

No one wanted to tackle it head-on.  We could not in all conscience accept a product that was mined by children who were basically slave labour working in horrendous conditions.

The government had countered with a tour of the mine sites, and the accompanying media teams got a completely different view of the operation.  The reality, photos smuggled out of the real working conditions, showed a different side.

But it was the same in quite a few third-world countries, countries we dealt with, for the sake of helping their people.  Here, we had done the same, but it seemed the ruling elite got richer and the rest remained poor, living in squalor.

Ryder had the evidence, the toss wanted him to take it up with the negotiators, but he was reluctant.  I suspect he had broached the subject, and they came back aggressively.

I had no authority to assume any responsibility, but I did deliver an envelope to his superior in London, and the relevant minister after the meeting ended.

He knew who they were from.

“Not the sort of words that would ever be sent by any other means than a hapless courier,” I said, once they’d passed from my hand to his.

“Seriously?”

“They don’t trust electronic messaging or mail services.”

“Who are you, really?”

“Diplomatic staff.  Here to help in any way I can.”

“This is about the rare earth minerals, isn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t know precisely.  You just need to add a clause that says that the company in charge of the mining must adhere to international laws regarding the employment of minors.”

“I spoke to their head negotiator on the issue, and he assured me they complied with all the international protocols, but for the sake of good order, said things would go smoother if we just took them at their word.”

“Then I suspect you will be between a rock and a hard place.  I’ll be here until the minister comes or not.”

He was not pleased.

I’d been there for three days and covered everyone in the embassy, including a gathering on the third floor to introduce me to everyone.

The Ambassador was back from a neighbouring country and greeted me like I was an old friend he hadn’t seen in years.  He was the perfect man for the job, with a disarming manner and cheerful attitude.  Bombs would be falling around him, and that smile would be there, telling everyone it was just a minor inconvenience.

What was clear, he and Ryder did not like each other at all, and he and the professor did not like each other at all.

Forster introduced me to each of the staff, and only one gave me a bad vibe, if it could be called that, Allison Dupre.  She had a French accent, somewhat forced, late twenties, perhaps older, and my impression; she was trying to look like something she was not.

When we shook hands, which surprised me, I felt a sudden darkness coming over me.  I thought she seemed familiar, but I didn’t recognise her as anyone I had met before.

She just didn’t recognise me at all.

The following night, as I was leaving, I saw Allison and Jane Porter in the middle of a heated discussion.  I didn’t give it much thought.  Such discussions were not rare, though usually an embassy’s staff were a tightly knit unit, especially in countries such as this.

Then, as luck would have it, Porter was going out, and I was a safe distance behind her.  It was a breach of protocol to go out alone, especially in the circumstances.  She was either very brave or very stupid.

I would check the next day if she had told anyone.

Meantime, I followed her to, of all places, the hotel where I was staying for the week, not one of the five stars, but a three and a half star special, picked randomly from one of those cheapest rate websites.

I considered not going in, but when I saw her go to the reception, have a short conversation, a shake of the head from the clerk, she went over to the lounge seats and picked one.

I shrugged and ambled in.  She saw me at the same time I saw her and got up out of the seat.

Had Jane come to see me?

“Thomas.”

“Jane.  But please call me Tom.  It doesn’t sound as pompous.”

“Tom, then.”

“You shouldn’t be out alone; you do know that?”

“I wanted to see you away from the embassy and the prying eyes.”

“How do you know Ryder hasn’t got you under surveillance.  I’ve seen at least two MI5 types trying to make themselves invisible.  And I’m sure there are rules against fraternisation.”

“Is that what you think this is?”

“No, but it’s more about what others might construe it to be.  That’s just the world we live in.”

Where was this going?

“You’re the one they sent out to find the traitor.”

Which meant she was either the instigator or the target.  If she were the latter, then I was just exposed. Perhaps I was dealing with someone very clever.  We moved to a quiet corner where I could see everyone else.

“What traitor?”  I put on my much-practised benign expression and looked appropriately surprised.

“I put in coded messages, and days later, here you are “

“Coincidence, I assure you.  I was yanked out of Jamaica to help get this trade deal over the line.  I am not happy about it.  And if there is this traitor, and I’m assuming it’s in the embassy, and one of the staff, the person to take it to is Forster, head of security.”

“I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could kick him.  Tried it on the first day after I arrived.  God’s gift to women, he said.  Allison thinks he’s a legend and just told me he was hers.”

It was wrong on so many levels

“His problem, not yours.  Ours.  She’s also meeting up with one of those secret police types.  Even in civvies, you can tell.  She’d been here before, on an archaeological dig.”

OK, that wasn’t in the briefing papers.

“How do you know that?”

“She told me.  Then, I figured that the reason why the government always seemed to know what we were planning before we told them was from a leak, and she’s it.”

“I think Foster’s would know if that was the case.  Logically speaking, if he was responsible for knowing everything about the people in his purview.”

Then, something that really bothered me.  Allison was walking from the life lobby to the front door, almost disguised, and had another guest not dropped his briefcase, I would have missed her.

Moments after Allison passed through the main entrance, Jane’s phone buzzed.  She looked at and stood, almost too quickly.

“Sorry.  Just forget I said anything.  It’s clear you’re not who I thought you were.”

And then left, almost running.

If I was not mistaken, if I were to go up to my room, I would find that it had been searched.  I’m not sure what that meant, but I had to guess. Forster had just used two staff members in a clever operation, one to distract, the other to search.

They would find nothing.

It meant that Forster was resourceful.  He knew where I was staying, and I hadn’t told anyone exactly where I was.

This was the decoy room, the one I did tell them about.  It looked like I was staying in the room, but I was not.

Just the same, I went up and checked.  The seals were broken.  Everything looked the same, but the photos I’d taken of where everything was placed were slightly askew.  Hurried.

My list of one became a list of three.

©  Charles Heath 2026

A to Z – April – 2026 – N

N is for – Never trust those nice guys

If something is too good to be true, then it generally is.  Those words bounced around in my head only moments after the winner of the award had been announced.

And it wasn’t me.  I had worked hard, done everything that was asked of me, and yet at the eleventh hour, I had been usurped

Of course, I had only myself to blame.

Some other words that rattled around in what could probably now be called an empty space, because no sane person would have believed that McGurk was a worthy recipient, were good guys come last.

They did.

I have been too trusting.

I wanted to believe that McGurk honestly wanted to help me win, but all the time, he was getting the information needed to win the award for himself.

After all, the prize was worth a million pounds.

And he was never going to stay long enough to show them anything for the money.  The proposal was slick, the pitch was slick, and the man himself was slick personified.

However, one item I did know about him was that he had done this before.  A number of times, and after each success, he disappeared with the money and wasn’t seen again.

It was exactly what he would do this time if we let him.

Everyone was also oblivious to the deception.  He was far too affable, far too obliging, far too kind.  And too accommodating.  He was everybody’s friend.

Except mine.

Jason McMaster, the head of the selection committee, came over to offer his commiserations.

“Sorry, old boy,” he began, “but it was a close call, 4 to 5.  You put in a brilliant prospectus, but the numbers didn’t quite add up.”

No, they didn’t do, they.  I noticed far too late that someone had slipped in a revised budget, and it had the look of a grade six student’s horrible attempt to balance a small budget.

I had tried to fix it, but the committee decided the submissions would be as is, where is.  I knew McGurk had a hand in getting those papers, and I was sure it was someone on the selection team who helped him. Without proof, I was not going to change the result.

At least one of the members dared to tell me what had happened and not be shocked on the night.

Evelyn had worked as hard as I had, and it seemed to me he had not approached her.  Perhaps she would have seen him for what he was.  More than once, she told me to be wary.

Like I said, it was on me.

McGurk was in his element, the centre of attention, soaking up the adulation as the man who had beaten the sure thing.

Some people didn’t like me, not many, because what they mistook for determination was really the desire to be fair and equitable.

His acceptance speech was the sort to be expected, praising the competition, acknowledging the help I’d given him, and stating that he was going to make a lot of people’s futures much brighter.

I was not sure who those people were, because no one in this county would.

After shaking the selection committee’s hands and thanking them all, he wandered over to see me.

He was brave or stupid, I wasn’t sure which, but then he didn’t know what I knew.

“You do realise the race was over before it began.”  He was all smiles and shaking my hand for the cameras.

I was all smiles for a different reason.  “Not at first, but I did get a sense of it towards the end.”

“You didn’t seem to be all that well-liked.”

No.  I got that.  Alfred Knopper, next door neighbour and staunch enemy when I won the council election over him, was on the committee.

I should have tried harder to win him over.

“Happens in small towns.  You can’t please everyone all of the time.  You will discover that. “

“I’m sure I won’t.  I understood the brief.”

I smiled.  “I hope you do.”

I could see Evelyn coming over, and so could he.  Her face was set, and I could feel the heat from where I was standing.  So he could and excused himself.

Her eyes followed him as he retreated.

“Snake.”

“He’s the one they deserve.”

“No one deserves a creature like that.”

I shrugged.  “Well, like him or lump him, he’s all they’ve got.”

Until he cashed the check.

A week is a long time in politics, or so I was told the first time I ran for council.

I didn’t want to, but a lot of people said that it was time for a change.

I rode the crest of that wave of change for three terms, after which those same people voted for another change.  It didn’t bother me. I had tried to be fair and equitable, but not everybody’s definition of those words was the same.

I tried to please all of the people all of the time and failed miserably.

We lived in a different world from the one I thought I knew.

It was time to move on, and the plans Evelyn and I had made a few months before, plan B, were in motion.  The children had moved on.  We had sold the house, where I had lived my whole life and my father before me.

All I was waiting for was…

The phone rang, its shrill insistence penetrating the fog of sleep, and only years of training forced me to answer it.

“Yes.”

“He’s gone.”  Jason McMaster sounded panicked.

“Who has gone?”

“McGurk.  Office cleaned out, residence as clean as the day he walked into it.”

McMaster had been very generous in giving him the house rent-free until he was settled.

“The funding.”

Silence.  Then, “It’s not in the corporate account.”

Of course not.

“It was transferred to a Cayman Islands bank.”

“You called them?”

“Transferred to a JN Corporation, a shell company.  It’s going to take an army of forensic accountants to find it, and McGurk, if that’s his real name.”

It wasn’t, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

“Why are you telling me?”

“The selection committee asked me to ask you to come back and maintain continuity while we sort this mess out.”

“Too late.  I’m off on holiday this morning.  Time to take a break from everything.”

“Then in a few weeks, when you get back.  We’ll talk.”

“Can’t.  Not coming back.  Not getting the award settled a few things for me, and the main one was our future.  Twelve months in a cottage in Tuscany and then, well, who knows.  Have a nice life, Jason.”

I hung up.

Evelyn rolled over. “McGurk?”

“Not at the office for his first day.”

“Jason?”

“Nearly hysterical.  He went to the house, and there’s no sign he had ever been there.”

“McGurk wasn’t.  He’s been dead since the day after he was born, but Michael Oliphant, that’s a different story.”

“Is that his real name?”

“So Viktor told me.  Took three days, but he broke him.  They all break eventually.”

“And the money.”

“It’ll be in Geneva by the time we get there.  Now, come back to bed.”

©  Charles Heath  2025-2026

A to Z – April – 2026 – N

N is for – Never trust those nice guys

If something is too good to be true, then it generally is.  Those words bounced around in my head only moments after the winner of the award had been announced.

And it wasn’t me.  I had worked hard, done everything that was asked of me, and yet at the eleventh hour, I had been usurped

Of course, I had only myself to blame.

Some other words that rattled around in what could probably now be called an empty space, because no sane person would have believed that McGurk was a worthy recipient, were good guys come last.

They did.

I have been too trusting.

I wanted to believe that McGurk honestly wanted to help me win, but all the time, he was getting the information needed to win the award for himself.

After all, the prize was worth a million pounds.

And he was never going to stay long enough to show them anything for the money.  The proposal was slick, the pitch was slick, and the man himself was slick personified.

However, one item I did know about him was that he had done this before.  A number of times, and after each success, he disappeared with the money and wasn’t seen again.

It was exactly what he would do this time if we let him.

Everyone was also oblivious to the deception.  He was far too affable, far too obliging, far too kind.  And too accommodating.  He was everybody’s friend.

Except mine.

Jason McMaster, the head of the selection committee, came over to offer his commiserations.

“Sorry, old boy,” he began, “but it was a close call, 4 to 5.  You put in a brilliant prospectus, but the numbers didn’t quite add up.”

No, they didn’t do, they.  I noticed far too late that someone had slipped in a revised budget, and it had the look of a grade six student’s horrible attempt to balance a small budget.

I had tried to fix it, but the committee decided the submissions would be as is, where is.  I knew McGurk had a hand in getting those papers, and I was sure it was someone on the selection team who helped him. Without proof, I was not going to change the result.

At least one of the members dared to tell me what had happened and not be shocked on the night.

Evelyn had worked as hard as I had, and it seemed to me he had not approached her.  Perhaps she would have seen him for what he was.  More than once, she told me to be wary.

Like I said, it was on me.

McGurk was in his element, the centre of attention, soaking up the adulation as the man who had beaten the sure thing.

Some people didn’t like me, not many, because what they mistook for determination was really the desire to be fair and equitable.

His acceptance speech was the sort to be expected, praising the competition, acknowledging the help I’d given him, and stating that he was going to make a lot of people’s futures much brighter.

I was not sure who those people were, because no one in this county would.

After shaking the selection committee’s hands and thanking them all, he wandered over to see me.

He was brave or stupid, I wasn’t sure which, but then he didn’t know what I knew.

“You do realise the race was over before it began.”  He was all smiles and shaking my hand for the cameras.

I was all smiles for a different reason.  “Not at first, but I did get a sense of it towards the end.”

“You didn’t seem to be all that well-liked.”

No.  I got that.  Alfred Knopper, next door neighbour and staunch enemy when I won the council election over him, was on the committee.

I should have tried harder to win him over.

“Happens in small towns.  You can’t please everyone all of the time.  You will discover that. “

“I’m sure I won’t.  I understood the brief.”

I smiled.  “I hope you do.”

I could see Evelyn coming over, and so could he.  Her face was set, and I could feel the heat from where I was standing.  So he could and excused himself.

Her eyes followed him as he retreated.

“Snake.”

“He’s the one they deserve.”

“No one deserves a creature like that.”

I shrugged.  “Well, like him or lump him, he’s all they’ve got.”

Until he cashed the check.

A week is a long time in politics, or so I was told the first time I ran for council.

I didn’t want to, but a lot of people said that it was time for a change.

I rode the crest of that wave of change for three terms, after which those same people voted for another change.  It didn’t bother me. I had tried to be fair and equitable, but not everybody’s definition of those words was the same.

I tried to please all of the people all of the time and failed miserably.

We lived in a different world from the one I thought I knew.

It was time to move on, and the plans Evelyn and I had made a few months before, plan B, were in motion.  The children had moved on.  We had sold the house, where I had lived my whole life and my father before me.

All I was waiting for was…

The phone rang, its shrill insistence penetrating the fog of sleep, and only years of training forced me to answer it.

“Yes.”

“He’s gone.”  Jason McMaster sounded panicked.

“Who has gone?”

“McGurk.  Office cleaned out, residence as clean as the day he walked into it.”

McMaster had been very generous in giving him the house rent-free until he was settled.

“The funding.”

Silence.  Then, “It’s not in the corporate account.”

Of course not.

“It was transferred to a Cayman Islands bank.”

“You called them?”

“Transferred to a JN Corporation, a shell company.  It’s going to take an army of forensic accountants to find it, and McGurk, if that’s his real name.”

It wasn’t, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

“Why are you telling me?”

“The selection committee asked me to ask you to come back and maintain continuity while we sort this mess out.”

“Too late.  I’m off on holiday this morning.  Time to take a break from everything.”

“Then in a few weeks, when you get back.  We’ll talk.”

“Can’t.  Not coming back.  Not getting the award settled a few things for me, and the main one was our future.  Twelve months in a cottage in Tuscany and then, well, who knows.  Have a nice life, Jason.”

I hung up.

Evelyn rolled over. “McGurk?”

“Not at the office for his first day.”

“Jason?”

“Nearly hysterical.  He went to the house, and there’s no sign he had ever been there.”

“McGurk wasn’t.  He’s been dead since the day after he was born, but Michael Oliphant, that’s a different story.”

“Is that his real name?”

“So Viktor told me.  Took three days, but he broke him.  They all break eventually.”

“And the money.”

“It’ll be in Geneva by the time we get there.  Now, come back to bed.”

©  Charles Heath  2025-2026

365 Days of writing, 2026 – 89

Day 89 – Writing as a lifeline

Writing Saved My Life: What Judd Apatow’s Confession Teaches Us About the Power of the Pen

“Writing saved my life. Without writing, I would never have been able to make it in this world.”
— Judd Apatow

When a Hollywood heavyweight like Judd Apatow says that writing rescued him from the brink, the words echo far beyond the glitz of red‑carpet parties and box‑office numbers. They land squarely in the everyday lives of anyone who’s ever felt stuck, unheard, or desperate for a way out. In this post, we’ll unpack what Apatow meant, trace the arc of his own story, and explore how writing can be a lifeline—whether you’re a budding comic, a corporate professional, or simply someone looking for a little more meaning.


1. The Man Behind the Quote: A Brief (But Insightful) Biography

Judd Apatow grew up in a tiny Boston suburb with a single mother who worked as a school secretary. He was an introvert who spent most of his teenage years in front of a computer, typing jokes for early online forums and scribbling jokes on the backs of school worksheets. By his early twenties, he’d moved to Los Angeles, where “making it” meant working as a production assistant on sitcoms and writing unpaid spec scripts that never saw the light of day.

His break came with The Ben Stiller Show (1993), a modest sketch comedy program that, although short‑lived, earned an Emmy for Outstanding Writing. From there, he built a legendary career: Freaks and Geeks (1999), The 40‑Year‑Old Virgin (2005), Knocked Up (2007), The Big Sick (2017) – a string of projects that have defined modern American comedy.

What’s striking is not just the commercial success but the emotional trajectory. Apatow has spoken openly about depression, anxiety, and the feeling of being an outsider in an industry that revels in its own superficiality. Writing—first as a private coping mechanism, later as a public craft—was his rope out of the abyss. He didn’t just write jokes; he wrote himself into existence.


2. Why Writing Can Be a Lifeline

2.1. It Gives Voice to the Unspoken

When we write, we externalise thoughts that otherwise swirl inside our heads. For Apatow, jokes were a way to translate inner turmoil (“I’m terrified of growing up”) into something funny that others could relate to. That translation is a validation loop: the more we articulate, the more we realise we’re not alone.

2.2. It Provides Structure Amid Chaos

A story requires a beginning, middle, and end. Even the most disordered feelings can be arranged into a narrative arc. By forcing our mental clutter into plot points, we regain a sense of control. Apatow’s early scripts—though never filmed—were essentially practice runs for reorganising a chaotic mind into a coherent, comedic rhythm.

2.3. It Lets You Reframe Pain

Psychologists refer to this as cognitive reframing. When you convert a painful memory into a scene in a screenplay, you can add distance (the “camera lens”) and humour (the “punchline”). The trauma doesn’t disappear, but it becomes manageable. Apatow’s “You’re the Best!” scene from Knocked Up—a heartfelt, slightly absurd speech—was born from his own experience of trying to make sense of failure.

2.4. It Generates a Tangible Product

Words turn into scripts, blogs, journals, songs—concrete artifacts that survive beyond fleeting emotions. Seeing your thoughts on paper (or a screen) affirms that “I exist.” For Apatow, the first script that got produced was a ticket out of the “never‑hired” purgatory.


3. From Personal Diary to Hollywood Blockbuster: The Evolution of Apatow’s Writing

StageWhat He Was DoingWhat He Gained
Late Teens – Early 20sWriting jokes for a high‑school newspaper, personal journals, early internet forums.A safe outlet for insecurities; the habit of “show, don’t tell.”
Mid‑20s – Production AssistantDrafting spec scripts in the margins of call sheets.Discipline; learning industry format; rejection tolerance.
Late 20s – TV WriterStaff writer for The Ben Stiller Show.Professional validation; network of mentors.
30s – Creator of Freaks and GeeksSemi‑autobiographical series about misfit teens.Mastery of personal truth as universal comedy.
40s – Feature FilmsWriting and directing movies that blend raunchy humor with raw emotion.Cemented his voice as a cultural touchstone; proof that writing does pay the bills.

Each phase reflects a deepening relationship with writing: from venting to problem‑solving, from learning a craft to owning a brand.


4. How You Can Let Writing Save Your Life Too

If Judd Apatow’s journey feels like a Hollywood screenplay, you might be wondering: What’s the “real‑life” version for me? Below is a step‑by‑step guide that translates his experience into tangible actions.

4.1. Start Small—Pick a “Micro‑Journal”

  • Time: 5‑10 minutes a day.
  • Tool: A notebook, a notes app, or a voice recorder.
  • Prompt: “One thing that annoyed me today, and why.”
  • Goal: Turn raw irritation into a sentence.

4.2. Find Your “Genre”

You don’t have to write sitcom scripts. Identify the form that feels most natural:

PreferencePossible Outlet
StorytellingShort stories, flash fiction
Visual thinkersComic strips, storyboards
Analytical mindsEssays, opinion pieces
Audio loversPodcast scripts, spoken‑word poetry

Tip: Apatow started with jokes because that’s what made him laugh. Use the same logic—write in the mode that makes you smile.

4.3. Give Yourself Permission to Fail

Apatow’s early scripts were rejected more often than they were accepted. That’s the norm. Treat each draft as a practice round:

  • Discard a page if it feels forced.
  • Celebrate the act of finishing a page, regardless of quality.
  • Iterate: Re‑write the same scene three times, each with a different emotional tone.

4.4. Create a “Feedback Loop”

  • Peer review: Share with a trusted friend or a writing group.
  • Professional edit: If you can afford it, get a freelance editor for at least one piece.
  • Self‑review: After a week, read your work with fresh eyes. Identify patterns—are you always avoiding a certain topic? That’s a clue.

4.5. Translate Into Public (or Semi‑Public) Work

When you feel comfortable, put something out there. It could be a blog post, a short video, a stand‑up set, or a tweet thread. Public exposure forces you to own your voice, just as Apatow did when his Freaks and Geeks pilot aired (even though it was cancelled after one season, it built a cult following).


5. The Dark Side: When Writing Becomes an Obsession

It’s worth noting that any coping skill can tip into compulsive behaviour. Here’s how to keep writing healthy:

Warning SignHealthy Adjustment
Writing to avoid real‑world responsibilities.Set a timer: 30 minutes of writing, then 30 minutes of a non‑writing task.
Feeling crippled if you can’t write daily.Allow “off‑days”; creative muscles need rest.
Using writing to manipulate others (e.g., oversharing to get sympathy).Keep a privacy boundary: what stays private vs. what you’re comfortable publishing.
Writing that reinforces negativity (e.g., endless self‑criticism).Introduce a positive lens: end each entry with one thing you’re grateful for.

Apatow himself has spoken about the need to step back after intense writing periods, especially during film productions where the pressure can be immense.


6. A Real‑World Example: From Journal to Launchpad

Consider Maya, a 28‑year‑old graphic designer who felt trapped in a corporate job. She started a private blog titled “Sketches of My Mind,” where she posted short, illustrated anecdotes about office life. After six months, a small indie publisher discovered her blog, approached her for a picture book, and the project is now slated for release next spring. Maya tells us:

“I never imagined my doodles could become a book. Writing—combined with my sketches—gave me the confidence to ask for what I wanted. It literally changed my career trajectory.”

Maya’s story mirrors Apatow’s in that writing transformed a private coping mechanism into a public, income‑generating product.


7. Takeaway: The Core Lesson Behind Apatow’s Quote

Writing isn’t just a skill; it’s a survival strategy.

When Apatow says, “Without writing, I would never have been able to make it in this world,” he’s describing a lifeline that carried him from a lonely bedroom filled with jokes to an industry where his humour reshapes culture. The lesson isn’t that you need an Oscar‑winning script; it’s that any form of writing that lets you externalise, organise, and share your inner world can become the bridge between where you are and where you need to be.


8. Quick Cheat Sheet – Your First 30‑Day Writing Plan

DayActivityTimeGoal
1‑5Free‑write journal (any topic)10 minBreak the “blank page” fear.
6‑10Choose a “genre” & write one short piece15 minIdentify your voice.
11‑15Revise the piece twice20 minPractice editing.
16‑20Share with a friend or online community5 minGet feedback.
21‑25Write a public piece (blog post, tweet thread)30 minTest the waters of exposure.
26‑30Reflect: What did you learn? What felt therapeutic?10 minConsolidate the habit.

Repeat, tweak, and watch the habit become an anchor—just as it did for Judd Apatow.


9. Final Thought: Your Story Is Waiting

If you ever find yourself wondering whether your words matter, remember that the world’s most celebrated comedians, screenwriters, and authors started by scribbling something—anything—to make sense of themselves. Judd Apatow turned a notebook full of jokes into a cultural empire. You might not be writing the next blockbuster, but you are writing the script of your own survival.

Grab a pen, open a document, or tap a voice memo. Let the words flow. In the quiet hum of a keyboard, you might just hear the faint echo of Apatow’s truth:

“Writing saved my life.”

May it save yours, too. 🌱✍️


Ready to start? Drop a comment below sharing the first line you’ll write today. Let’s hold each other accountable and turn solitary scribbles into a community of storytellers.

365 Days of writing, 2026 – 89

Day 89 – Writing as a lifeline

Writing Saved My Life: What Judd Apatow’s Confession Teaches Us About the Power of the Pen

“Writing saved my life. Without writing, I would never have been able to make it in this world.”
— Judd Apatow

When a Hollywood heavyweight like Judd Apatow says that writing rescued him from the brink, the words echo far beyond the glitz of red‑carpet parties and box‑office numbers. They land squarely in the everyday lives of anyone who’s ever felt stuck, unheard, or desperate for a way out. In this post, we’ll unpack what Apatow meant, trace the arc of his own story, and explore how writing can be a lifeline—whether you’re a budding comic, a corporate professional, or simply someone looking for a little more meaning.


1. The Man Behind the Quote: A Brief (But Insightful) Biography

Judd Apatow grew up in a tiny Boston suburb with a single mother who worked as a school secretary. He was an introvert who spent most of his teenage years in front of a computer, typing jokes for early online forums and scribbling jokes on the backs of school worksheets. By his early twenties, he’d moved to Los Angeles, where “making it” meant working as a production assistant on sitcoms and writing unpaid spec scripts that never saw the light of day.

His break came with The Ben Stiller Show (1993), a modest sketch comedy program that, although short‑lived, earned an Emmy for Outstanding Writing. From there, he built a legendary career: Freaks and Geeks (1999), The 40‑Year‑Old Virgin (2005), Knocked Up (2007), The Big Sick (2017) – a string of projects that have defined modern American comedy.

What’s striking is not just the commercial success but the emotional trajectory. Apatow has spoken openly about depression, anxiety, and the feeling of being an outsider in an industry that revels in its own superficiality. Writing—first as a private coping mechanism, later as a public craft—was his rope out of the abyss. He didn’t just write jokes; he wrote himself into existence.


2. Why Writing Can Be a Lifeline

2.1. It Gives Voice to the Unspoken

When we write, we externalise thoughts that otherwise swirl inside our heads. For Apatow, jokes were a way to translate inner turmoil (“I’m terrified of growing up”) into something funny that others could relate to. That translation is a validation loop: the more we articulate, the more we realise we’re not alone.

2.2. It Provides Structure Amid Chaos

A story requires a beginning, middle, and end. Even the most disordered feelings can be arranged into a narrative arc. By forcing our mental clutter into plot points, we regain a sense of control. Apatow’s early scripts—though never filmed—were essentially practice runs for reorganising a chaotic mind into a coherent, comedic rhythm.

2.3. It Lets You Reframe Pain

Psychologists refer to this as cognitive reframing. When you convert a painful memory into a scene in a screenplay, you can add distance (the “camera lens”) and humour (the “punchline”). The trauma doesn’t disappear, but it becomes manageable. Apatow’s “You’re the Best!” scene from Knocked Up—a heartfelt, slightly absurd speech—was born from his own experience of trying to make sense of failure.

2.4. It Generates a Tangible Product

Words turn into scripts, blogs, journals, songs—concrete artifacts that survive beyond fleeting emotions. Seeing your thoughts on paper (or a screen) affirms that “I exist.” For Apatow, the first script that got produced was a ticket out of the “never‑hired” purgatory.


3. From Personal Diary to Hollywood Blockbuster: The Evolution of Apatow’s Writing

StageWhat He Was DoingWhat He Gained
Late Teens – Early 20sWriting jokes for a high‑school newspaper, personal journals, early internet forums.A safe outlet for insecurities; the habit of “show, don’t tell.”
Mid‑20s – Production AssistantDrafting spec scripts in the margins of call sheets.Discipline; learning industry format; rejection tolerance.
Late 20s – TV WriterStaff writer for The Ben Stiller Show.Professional validation; network of mentors.
30s – Creator of Freaks and GeeksSemi‑autobiographical series about misfit teens.Mastery of personal truth as universal comedy.
40s – Feature FilmsWriting and directing movies that blend raunchy humor with raw emotion.Cemented his voice as a cultural touchstone; proof that writing does pay the bills.

Each phase reflects a deepening relationship with writing: from venting to problem‑solving, from learning a craft to owning a brand.


4. How You Can Let Writing Save Your Life Too

If Judd Apatow’s journey feels like a Hollywood screenplay, you might be wondering: What’s the “real‑life” version for me? Below is a step‑by‑step guide that translates his experience into tangible actions.

4.1. Start Small—Pick a “Micro‑Journal”

  • Time: 5‑10 minutes a day.
  • Tool: A notebook, a notes app, or a voice recorder.
  • Prompt: “One thing that annoyed me today, and why.”
  • Goal: Turn raw irritation into a sentence.

4.2. Find Your “Genre”

You don’t have to write sitcom scripts. Identify the form that feels most natural:

PreferencePossible Outlet
StorytellingShort stories, flash fiction
Visual thinkersComic strips, storyboards
Analytical mindsEssays, opinion pieces
Audio loversPodcast scripts, spoken‑word poetry

Tip: Apatow started with jokes because that’s what made him laugh. Use the same logic—write in the mode that makes you smile.

4.3. Give Yourself Permission to Fail

Apatow’s early scripts were rejected more often than they were accepted. That’s the norm. Treat each draft as a practice round:

  • Discard a page if it feels forced.
  • Celebrate the act of finishing a page, regardless of quality.
  • Iterate: Re‑write the same scene three times, each with a different emotional tone.

4.4. Create a “Feedback Loop”

  • Peer review: Share with a trusted friend or a writing group.
  • Professional edit: If you can afford it, get a freelance editor for at least one piece.
  • Self‑review: After a week, read your work with fresh eyes. Identify patterns—are you always avoiding a certain topic? That’s a clue.

4.5. Translate Into Public (or Semi‑Public) Work

When you feel comfortable, put something out there. It could be a blog post, a short video, a stand‑up set, or a tweet thread. Public exposure forces you to own your voice, just as Apatow did when his Freaks and Geeks pilot aired (even though it was cancelled after one season, it built a cult following).


5. The Dark Side: When Writing Becomes an Obsession

It’s worth noting that any coping skill can tip into compulsive behaviour. Here’s how to keep writing healthy:

Warning SignHealthy Adjustment
Writing to avoid real‑world responsibilities.Set a timer: 30 minutes of writing, then 30 minutes of a non‑writing task.
Feeling crippled if you can’t write daily.Allow “off‑days”; creative muscles need rest.
Using writing to manipulate others (e.g., oversharing to get sympathy).Keep a privacy boundary: what stays private vs. what you’re comfortable publishing.
Writing that reinforces negativity (e.g., endless self‑criticism).Introduce a positive lens: end each entry with one thing you’re grateful for.

Apatow himself has spoken about the need to step back after intense writing periods, especially during film productions where the pressure can be immense.


6. A Real‑World Example: From Journal to Launchpad

Consider Maya, a 28‑year‑old graphic designer who felt trapped in a corporate job. She started a private blog titled “Sketches of My Mind,” where she posted short, illustrated anecdotes about office life. After six months, a small indie publisher discovered her blog, approached her for a picture book, and the project is now slated for release next spring. Maya tells us:

“I never imagined my doodles could become a book. Writing—combined with my sketches—gave me the confidence to ask for what I wanted. It literally changed my career trajectory.”

Maya’s story mirrors Apatow’s in that writing transformed a private coping mechanism into a public, income‑generating product.


7. Takeaway: The Core Lesson Behind Apatow’s Quote

Writing isn’t just a skill; it’s a survival strategy.

When Apatow says, “Without writing, I would never have been able to make it in this world,” he’s describing a lifeline that carried him from a lonely bedroom filled with jokes to an industry where his humour reshapes culture. The lesson isn’t that you need an Oscar‑winning script; it’s that any form of writing that lets you externalise, organise, and share your inner world can become the bridge between where you are and where you need to be.


8. Quick Cheat Sheet – Your First 30‑Day Writing Plan

DayActivityTimeGoal
1‑5Free‑write journal (any topic)10 minBreak the “blank page” fear.
6‑10Choose a “genre” & write one short piece15 minIdentify your voice.
11‑15Revise the piece twice20 minPractice editing.
16‑20Share with a friend or online community5 minGet feedback.
21‑25Write a public piece (blog post, tweet thread)30 minTest the waters of exposure.
26‑30Reflect: What did you learn? What felt therapeutic?10 minConsolidate the habit.

Repeat, tweak, and watch the habit become an anchor—just as it did for Judd Apatow.


9. Final Thought: Your Story Is Waiting

If you ever find yourself wondering whether your words matter, remember that the world’s most celebrated comedians, screenwriters, and authors started by scribbling something—anything—to make sense of themselves. Judd Apatow turned a notebook full of jokes into a cultural empire. You might not be writing the next blockbuster, but you are writing the script of your own survival.

Grab a pen, open a document, or tap a voice memo. Let the words flow. In the quiet hum of a keyboard, you might just hear the faint echo of Apatow’s truth:

“Writing saved my life.”

May it save yours, too. 🌱✍️


Ready to start? Drop a comment below sharing the first line you’ll write today. Let’s hold each other accountable and turn solitary scribbles into a community of storytellers.

A to Z – April – 2026 – M

M is for – Memories can kill you

The thing about dreams, or more to the point, nightmares, and what may have happened in real life, is that to a child who had survived a terrifyingly traumatic event, there is no difference.

It was a story that no one believed, because it was so terrifyingly traumatic, it came from a young child, and what would he know about such things, and later, to escape those nightmares, he had invented himself so many different worlds and told so many lies, that no matter what I said, truth or fiction, no one believed me.

What tipped everything over the edge was a story about self-preservation. I already had the unenviable reputation of telling lies, and it had reached the point where everyone rolled their eyes and simply ignored me, including the family I was living with, all of whom finally sent me to that place called Coventry.

I mean, it’s not as if I invented a spaceship and told people I was an alien posing as a human sent to suss out Earth’s population before my planet sent a peace delegation.  Not that it wasn’t on my list of stories.

Except what everyone believed to be a lie turned into what was actually the truth and led to the police swarming around my parents’ house and everyone being roused from their beds at gunpoint.  For me, it was particularly brutal, being dragged out of bed, thrown to the floor, and having three burly policemen hold me down until I was cuffed.

Then, after a few extra blows to reinforce the notion that if I tried to escape, there would be worse to come, I was unceremoniously dragged from the house in full view of the other family members and, worse, the neighbours.

They were not horrified.  I heard one say, “That little shit finally got what he deserved.’  Others had similar sentiments.  My father was stony-faced, my mother was in tears, and my sister was furious.

The arrest had broken two of my ribs and made it very difficult to breathe.  My complaints fell on deaf ears until I spewed up a mass of blood and bile in the back of the police car.

Only then did they realise there had been excessive force used, not that it mattered, I was a dangerous criminal and had to be subdued because I ‘had put up resistance to the extent the arresting officer feared for his life’.

I couldn’t make that up even if I wanted to.  And worse, as the paramedics took me to the hospital, the police officer accompanying me had said no one would believe me if I told them the truth.

The sad fact about that statement is that he was right.

Stabilised and bandaged, but not given any pain killers, I was taken from the emergency room to the police station, tossed in an interview room, and made to sit in an uncomfortable chair for two hours.

The pain was unbearable, and I realised after the first hour in that small, overly hot room, that I was only at the start of the roller-coaster ride.

The bigger question I asked myself was why, after all this time, was I there?  It was not as if I wasn’t well known for living in a fantasy world.  My foster parents, as much as they were dismayed at the trouble I’d brought to their doorstep, knew just how troubled a child I was.

Seventeen years ago, I was found in a house with five dead people: my mother, my father, two brothers, and a sister.  I was a baby, barely a year old, who had been spared.

Why?  Because it was speculated in nearly every newspaper in the country, I was too young to identify the killer or killers.  There had been no motive established, and the half dozen suspects the police had on their list had all been cleared, and, years later, with no clues or evidence available, it had become a cold case.

The thing is, it had traumatised me, and for as long as I could remember, I had the recollection of the event, the gunshots that killed my family, and an image of a man or woman looking down at me. 

It was not anyone I could recognise and had wisely kept those details to myself because no one would have believed me.

But as long as I could remember, and after being placed in foster care, I had constructed a fantasy world for myself, the people I assumed to be my family.  Foster care did that to you, bouncing from one bad home to another, until you finally land in a good one, or you end up on the wrong side of the law.

I’d finally landed in a good one when I was fifteen, but by that time, learning to dodge and weave the brutal, neglectful and horrible people, I’d become so entrenched in a world of lies that even I didn’t know truth from fiction.

But as to why I was in that interview room?

Well, given the time and the need to concentrate on anything but the pain, I began to think it all started seventeen days ago, the seventeenth anniversary of the murders.  I was home alone, the real members of my new family out celebrating one of my cousins’ birthdays.

I had not been invited, having been grounded after another incident at school.  I was watching the TV news and saw an item about a man who was from my hometown, a man with a face that registered in the back of my mind.

My first thought was that I’d seen him before, which was not unlikely. He had been the Assistant DA who was in charge of the investigation into my family’s murder, or so I’d been told.

And then I thought nothing more of it until I went to sleep that night and, for some odd reason, relived the events of that night seventeen years ago.

Only I could not have.  I was only a few months old. There was no way I could remember any of it.  But that was not the worst of it.  Lying in bed, I woke suddenly, and before I could clear my thoughts, a face was staring down at me, clear as day.

The man who had been on TV.  It was not possible. 

The reason, I believe, as to why I was there, I told the sheriff I’d remembered something that involved Herbert W Winfield, and I needed to speak to someone in the FBI.

Seventeen hours later, I had the shit beaten out of me and awaited a fate worse than death.

Many years ago, when I had gotten into trouble as an on-the-cusp teen, I was visited by an FBI agent.  She was investigating a case that, she said, was of national importance.

I thought that the fact that she was visiting me meant that I had finally reached that proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  She told me that it was not so much the crimes I’d committed as the fact that I was a person of interest in another crime, the murder of my family.

And the fact that she was currently looking at prospective candidates for President.  We had a president.  What did my father have to do with presenting investigations? She didn’t say, just that if I remembered anything, to call her.

She left a card.  Normally, when I bounced from foster carer to foster carer, I usually took nothing with me.  It seemed serendipitous that I still had it.

I was still thinking about that card when the door opened, and the sheriff came in.  Whatever I had done must have been very serious.

He closed the door and leaned against it.

I was breathing shallowly to ease the pain and sweating.  To say I was afraid was an understatement. 

“Lies, especially when they involve very important people, can have far-reaching consequences, Tim.  You and I both know that Mr Winfield had nothing to do with what happened to your family, and to involve him like this, well, I just can’t imagine why you would do so, other than it’s just another of your fantasies.  This time, however, there will be consequences.  Unless, of course, you go out there when we’re finished here and admit your lies and apologise for any harm you may have caused.”

“Then I’m free to go?”

“Unfortunately, not.  You have violated your last parole order, and that means the jail sentence is back on the table.  You will not be seeing daylight for at least five years, Tim.  As I said earlier, there will be consequences this time.  Enough is enough.”

Perhaps, I told myself, I might have been wiser not to share my thoughts, but I had assumed the sheriff would uphold the law.

“I’ll give you time to think about it.”

I had to ask.  “If I don’t agree?”

“You don’t want to go down that path, Tim.  Fifteen minutes.”

He pounded on the door, and a moment later, it opened.  I heard, “Sorry, Sheriff, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

He was almost pushed to one side as the woman came into the cell.  She stopped and gasped when she saw me.

“What the hell happened to him?”  She swivelled around to glare at the Sheriff.”

“He resisted arrest.”

“That’s one excuse, Sheriff, but not one that would hold up to investigation.  Come, Tim, I’m taking you out of here.”

“This is my problem, Agent…”

“Thomas, Agent Thomas.  This is my problem now.  You’d best find yourself a lawyer in case we come back.”  Back to me, “Tim.”

I stood, slowly, and winced.  It was not lost on her.

“Resisting arrest?”

Outside, in the fresh air, I couldn’t sigh in relief; it hurt too much.  There was another FBI type standing next to a black Suburban car, like the ones I’d seen on TV.

“Get in,” she said, her assistant holding the door open for me.

I climbed in, and he shut the door.  There was no escaping.

She got in and started driving.

“Where are we going?”

“Home.”

Except we weren’t.  We drove past the exit and straight on up the road, heading for the next county.  I figured it wasn’t the time to start asking stupid questions.  My first thought, now, was they were not who they said they were, but agents working for Winfield, here to do what he should have done seventeen years ago.

At a railway station at the first town over the county line, she stopped the car.  She nodded to the man, and he got out and walked across the road to the diner. 

She turned around and looked at me.  “We’re supposed to put a bullet in the back of your head and throw you down a disused mine.   There are a lot of them around here, and no one would bother looking for you, not even that new family of yours.  There’s a bag next to you on the seat.  Money and a new identity.  You take it, get on that train and then disappear.  You show your head above water again, I will find you and do what I should be doing.  I get it.  You got a bad break.  Now, grow a brain and change your life.  Completely.  Think you can do that?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m one of the good ones, Tim.  Now, you have five minutes before the train comes.  The ticket and money are in the bag; keep your head down, and no one needs to know.  Now, go.”

They had driven off before I reached the platform, just in time to see the train coming down the line.  The ticket was to the other side of the country.  My name was Jim Chalk.  Orphan.  There were the names of five restaurants looking for a general hand.  I guess any of the five would take me on.  There was an address for a boarding house and a lady’s name. 

By the time I arrived, Tim had gone, and Jim had taken over.  Finally, I could stop running.

©  Charles Heath  2025-2026

365 Days of writing, 2026 – 87/88

Days 87 and 88 – Repurposing old stories that didn’t get finished

From Dusty Box to Bestseller Shelf

How to Transform a Forgotten Manuscript into a Blockbuster Novel

You’ve probably been there: a stack of rejected drafts, half‑finished scenes, a “story” that was once your baby and now lives at the bottom of a shoebox labelled “Failed Ideas.”
If you’re reading this, you suspect there’s still a spark in that scrap of paper. Good news—there is a systematic way to rescue, re‑ignite, and repurpose that old manuscript into a market‑ready bestseller.

Below is a step‑by‑step playbook, packed with tips, tricks, and real‑world examples, that will help you rehydrate a dead story, give it fresh legs, and position it for commercial success.


1. Give the Manuscript a “Health Check”

Before you start rewriting, you need to diagnose the problem. Treat the manuscript like a patient—identify its vitals, its ailments, and its strengths.

What to ExamineWhy It MattersQuick Diagnostic Tools
Core PremiseIs the central idea still compelling?Write the premise in one sentence. If it doesn’t make you sit up, the story needs a new hook.
Genre FitDoes the story match a currently hot market?Compare against the top 10 NYT bestseller lists in your genre.
Character ArcsAre the protagonists dynamic and relatable?Plot each major character’s “need → want → transformation.”
StructureDoes the story follow a proven narrative skeleton?Run a quick Save the Cat beat sheet or a Three‑Act outline.
Voice/ToneIs the narrative voice distinct or generic?Read a random paragraph aloud. Does it sound like you?
Marketable ElementsHook, conflict, stakes, and a unique “twist”?Highlight any scenes that feel “movie‑ready.”

Result: You’ll end up with a diagnostic report that tells you whether to revive, re‑tool, or re‑cast the manuscript. Most “failed” stories survive this check—they just need a new lens.


2. Re‑Imagine the Core Premise

A stale premise is the most common reason a story lands in the “failed” pile. The trick is not to discard it but to re‑frame it so it hits a modern, market‑ready nerve.

2.1 Ask the “What If?” Questions

Original Premise“What If?” TwistNew Premise (Elevator Pitch)
A medieval blacksmith discovers a dragon.What if the blacksmith is a disgraced scientist in a near‑future dystopia who discovers a bio‑engineered dragon?“In a world where corporations weaponize myth, a disgraced bio‑engineer must tame a living, breathing dragon to expose the truth.”
A teenage girl moves to a small town and finds a hidden garden.What if the garden is a portal to a parallel society that mirrors the protagonist’s inner trauma?“When a grieving teen discovers a portal garden, she must confront the alternate version of herself to heal.”

Exercise: Take the original one‑sentence premise and apply at least three “What If?” variations. Pick the one that feels freshest and most marketable.

2.2 Align With Current Trends

  • Genre Hybrids are hot (e.g., sci‑fi romance, cozy mystery + fantasy).
  • Social Relevance: Stories that echo current cultural conversations (AI ethics, climate change, identity).
  • Series Potential: Publishers love concepts that can be expanded into trilogies or longer series.

Tip: Use tools like Google Trends, Amazon “Look Inside”, or Goodreads “Listopia” to spot what readers are searching for right now. If your premise can be nudged to meet one of those trends, you’ve already added commercial ammunition.


3. Re‑Structure Using Proven Narrative Skeletons

Even a brilliant idea can flop if it’s tangled in a messy structure. Re‑mapping the story onto a proven framework can instantly improve pacing, tension, and reader satisfaction.

3.1 Choose a Blueprint

BlueprintIdeal ForKey Beats
Save the Cat (Blake Snyder)Commercial fiction, romance, thrillersOpening Image → Catalyst → Debate → Break into Two → Midpoint → All Is Lost → Finale
The Hero’s Journey (Campbell)Epic fantasy, adventure, mythic talesCall to Adventure → Road of Trials → Abyss → Return with the Elixir
The Seven‑Point Story StructureLiterary & genre fictionHook → Plot Turn 1 → Pinch Point 1 → Midpoint → Pinch Point 2 → Plot Turn 2 → Resolution
Three‑Act + Plot PointsAll fictionSetup (Act 1), Confrontation (Act 2), Resolution (Act 3)

Action: Draft a quick outline of your story using one of these skeletons. If you find large gaps (e.g., missing midpoint twist), note them for the next rewrite round.

3.2 Insert “Set‑Pieces” that Sell

  • The Hook (First 10 pages): A scene that drops the protagonist into immediate conflict.
  • The Midpoint Twist: A revelation that flips the stakes.
  • The Dark Night of the Soul: The protagonist’s lowest point—crucial for emotional payoff.
  • The Final Image: Mirrors the opening but shows transformation.

If your original manuscript lacks any of these, write a new scene specifically to fill the gap. Don’t be afraid to add fresh material; you’re building a new book on an old foundation.


4. Refresh Characters – Make Them Marketable

Characters are the heart of any bestseller. A weak protagonist is a death sentence, no matter how clever the plot.

4.1 Profile Every Major Character

ElementExample Prompt
Core DesireWhat does the character really want, beyond the plot?
FlawWhat internal flaw sabotages their progress?
ArcHow does the character change from start to finish?
Unique TraitWhat singular, memorable detail makes them stand out?
Market TagCan you pitch them in 5 words? (e.g., “The Reluctant Vampire Detective”)

Write a one‑page character cheat sheet for each protagonist and antagonist. Having these at hand makes it easier to spot flat or generic figures in the old draft.

4.2 Apply the “Baker’s Dozen” Upgrade

From The Writer’s Digest handbook: upgrade at least 13 aspects of each central character:

  1. Name – make it memorable and genre‑appropriate.
  2. Physical quirk – a scar, a tattoo, a habit.
  3. Voice – distinct speech pattern or catchphrase.
  4. Backstory – a secret that fuels the main conflict.
  5. Goal vs. Motivation – clarify the external goal and internal need.
  6. Obsession – an irrational compulsion that drives choices.
  7. Conflict with protagonist – deepen the antagonist’s personal stake.
  8. Moral code – what lines they won’t cross?
  9. Relationship dynamic – unique chemistry with the love interest.
  10. Transformation trigger – the event that forces change.
  11. Iconic scene – a set‑piece that showcases them.
  12. Symbolic object – a keepsake with narrative weight.
  13. Future hook – a thread that could spin off a sequel.

If you can’t think of a change for a character, that’s a signal to ditch them or merge them with another role.


5. Update the Writing Style – Make It Sellable

Even a great plot can get lost under clunky prose. Here are three high‑impact ways to polish the language without doing a full rewrite.

TechniqueHow to ApplyWhy It Works
Show, Don’t Tell (with a Twist)Replace “She was angry” with a concrete action: “She slammed the door, the hinges screaming.”Readers feel the emotion, not just read it.
Active Voice + Tight SentencesCut passive constructions: “The letter was written by him” → “He wrote the letter.”Increases momentum, especially important in genre fiction.
Sensory LayeringAdd at least one sensory detail (smell, sound, texture) per paragraph.Immerses readers; sensory‑rich prose sells better on book‑covers and blurbs.
Dialogue Tags → Action BeatsReplace “‘I’m scared,’ she said.” with “‘I’m scared.’ She curled her fingers around the cold railing.”Makes dialogue feel natural and adds subtext.
Consistent POVIf you’re switching between first‑person and third‑person, decide on ONE and stick to it.Reduces confusion, improves narrative cohesion.

Quick Exercise: Take a random 500‑word excerpt from the old manuscript. Apply all five techniques above. If the passage reads noticeably tighter, you’ve unlocked a major upgrade.


6. Conduct a Mini‑Market Test – Before You Go Full‑Scale

You don’t have to commit to a full publishing contract to gauge market viability. A mini‑test can save months of work.

  1. Create a 1,000‑Word Sample – The opening hook + the first major conflict.
  2. Build a Simple Landing Page – Use Carrd or Substack. Include a compelling tagline, cover mock‑up, and a “Leave your email for early access” form.
  3. Drive Targeted Traffic –
    • Facebook genre groups (run a $5 boost).
    • Reddit threads (r/romancewriters, r/fantasy).
    • TikTok “booktok” teaser video (30‑sec reading).
  4. Collect Data – Click‑through rates, sign‑ups, comments.
  5. Iterate – If response is lukewarm, revisit the premise or hook; if it’s hot, you have proof of concept for agents/publishers.

Success Metric: At least 200 email sign‑ups within two weeks for a debut‑author genre piece is a strong signal.


7. Position the Manuscript for Agents & Publishers

Now that the story is revived, it’s time to package it.

ElementPro Tip
Query LetterOpen with the hook (first line of your revised opening). Follow the classic “who you are, what you’ve written, why it matters.” Keep it under 300 words.
Synopsis (1‑page)Highlight the new three‑act structure, not the original messy outline.
Sample ChaptersProvide the revised opening and a later climactic chapter—show both the hook and the payoff.
Cover ConceptEven before a designer, sketch a cover hook (e.g., “A dragon in a biotech lab”). This tells agents you’ve thought about market placement.
Marketing PitchMention the mini‑test numbers (e.g., “200+ readers signed up in 10 days”) and any social buzz (“#DragonBio trending on TikTok”).

Agents love a story that already shows traction; your mini‑test data becomes a persuasive bullet point.


8. Bonus: Turn the “Fodder” into a Series Blueprint

Best‑selling series dominate the market. When you rescue a single story, think ahead:

  1. Identify the Core Conflict – Can it be escalated in a sequel?
  2. Map Out the World – Create a Series Bible (rules, geography, magic system).
  3. Plant Seedlings – Insert a future plot thread (a mysterious organisation, a hidden artifact).
  4. Develop Secondary Characters – Give them arcs that can become focal points in later books.

Having a series roadmap not only makes the current book stronger but also shows publishers you have a long‑term vision—something every bestseller author needs.


TL;DR Checklist

✅Action
1Diagnose the manuscript (premise, genre, structure, characters).
2Re‑imagine the core premise with “What If?” twists and trend alignment.
3Re‑structure using a proven narrative skeleton; insert required set‑pieces.
4Upgrade each major character with the 13‑point character checklist.
5Polish prose: show, active voice, sensory details, dialogue beats, consistent POV.
6Run a 1,000‑word mini‑market test and collect real data.
7Package a query packet (letter, synopsis, sample chapters, cover hook, marketing pitch).
8Sketch a series bible to demonstrate future potential.

If you follow these eight steps, you’ll turn that dust‑covered manuscript into a market‑ready, agent‑friendly bestseller candidate—or at the very least, a polished novel that stands a genuine chance of breaking through the noise.


Real‑World Example: From Rejection to Royalty

The case of “The Last Alchemist” (pseudonym).

  • Original State: A 30,000‑word fantasy short story shelved in 2015 after two “nice try” rejection emails.
  • Revival Process:
    1. Premise Shift: “What if the alchemist is actually a disgraced chemist in a post‑pandemic world where alchemy is a regulated industry?”
    2. Structure: Mapped onto the Save the Cat beat sheet. Added a mid‑point betrayal.
    3. Character Upgrade: Gave the protagonist a scar that glows when she uses forbidden chemistry—a symbolic “hidden power.”
    4. Prose Polish: Trimmed 12,000 words, tightened dialogue, added scent of iron in every lab scene.
    5. Mini‑Test: 350 sign‑ups on a landing page in 3 weeks, plus a TikTok video that hit 12k views.
    6. Result: Agent query accepted; the manuscript sold to a mid‑size imprint and hit the USA Today Top 50 within six months.

The moral? A forgotten story is just a raw ingredient—give it the right seasoning, and it can become a bestseller feast.


Final Thought

Every writer has a box of “failed” ideas. The difference between a discarded draft and a bestseller isn’t magic; it’s methodical creativity. Diagnose, re‑imagine, restructure, and market‑test. Then package it like a product that readers can’t resist.

So dig that shoebox out, pull out one of those dusty cast-offs and get ready to turn it into your next gem.

First Dig Two Graves

A sequel to “The Devil You Don’t”

Revenge is a dish best served cold – or preferably so when everything goes right

Of course, it rarely does, as Alistair, Zoe’s handler, discovers to his peril. Enter a wildcard, John, and whatever Alistair’s plan for dealing with Zoe was dies with him.

It leaves Zoe in completely unfamiliar territory.

John’s idyllic romance with a woman who is utterly out of his comfort zone is on borrowed time. She is still trying to reconcile her ambivalence after being so indifferent for so long.

They agree to take a break, during which she disappears. John, thinking she has left without saying goodbye, refuses to accept the inevitable and calls on an old friend for help in finding her.

After the mayhem and being briefly reunited, she recognises an inevitable truth: there is a price to pay for taking out Alistair; she must leave and find them first, and he would be wise to keep a low profile.

But keeping a low profile just isn’t possible, and enlisting another friend, a private detective and his sister, a deft computer hacker, they track her to the border between Austria and Hungary.

What John doesn’t realise is that another enemy is tracking him to find her too. It could have been a grand tour of Europe. Instead, it becomes a race against time before enemies old and new converge for what will be an inevitable showdown.

A to Z – April – 2026 – M

M is for – Memories can kill you

The thing about dreams, or more to the point, nightmares, and what may have happened in real life, is that to a child who had survived a terrifyingly traumatic event, there is no difference.

It was a story that no one believed, because it was so terrifyingly traumatic, it came from a young child, and what would he know about such things, and later, to escape those nightmares, he had invented himself so many different worlds and told so many lies, that no matter what I said, truth or fiction, no one believed me.

What tipped everything over the edge was a story about self-preservation. I already had the unenviable reputation of telling lies, and it had reached the point where everyone rolled their eyes and simply ignored me, including the family I was living with, all of whom finally sent me to that place called Coventry.

I mean, it’s not as if I invented a spaceship and told people I was an alien posing as a human sent to suss out Earth’s population before my planet sent a peace delegation.  Not that it wasn’t on my list of stories.

Except what everyone believed to be a lie turned into what was actually the truth and led to the police swarming around my parents’ house and everyone being roused from their beds at gunpoint.  For me, it was particularly brutal, being dragged out of bed, thrown to the floor, and having three burly policemen hold me down until I was cuffed.

Then, after a few extra blows to reinforce the notion that if I tried to escape, there would be worse to come, I was unceremoniously dragged from the house in full view of the other family members and, worse, the neighbours.

They were not horrified.  I heard one say, “That little shit finally got what he deserved.’  Others had similar sentiments.  My father was stony-faced, my mother was in tears, and my sister was furious.

The arrest had broken two of my ribs and made it very difficult to breathe.  My complaints fell on deaf ears until I spewed up a mass of blood and bile in the back of the police car.

Only then did they realise there had been excessive force used, not that it mattered, I was a dangerous criminal and had to be subdued because I ‘had put up resistance to the extent the arresting officer feared for his life’.

I couldn’t make that up even if I wanted to.  And worse, as the paramedics took me to the hospital, the police officer accompanying me had said no one would believe me if I told them the truth.

The sad fact about that statement is that he was right.

Stabilised and bandaged, but not given any pain killers, I was taken from the emergency room to the police station, tossed in an interview room, and made to sit in an uncomfortable chair for two hours.

The pain was unbearable, and I realised after the first hour in that small, overly hot room, that I was only at the start of the roller-coaster ride.

The bigger question I asked myself was why, after all this time, was I there?  It was not as if I wasn’t well known for living in a fantasy world.  My foster parents, as much as they were dismayed at the trouble I’d brought to their doorstep, knew just how troubled a child I was.

Seventeen years ago, I was found in a house with five dead people: my mother, my father, two brothers, and a sister.  I was a baby, barely a year old, who had been spared.

Why?  Because it was speculated in nearly every newspaper in the country, I was too young to identify the killer or killers.  There had been no motive established, and the half dozen suspects the police had on their list had all been cleared, and, years later, with no clues or evidence available, it had become a cold case.

The thing is, it had traumatised me, and for as long as I could remember, I had the recollection of the event, the gunshots that killed my family, and an image of a man or woman looking down at me. 

It was not anyone I could recognise and had wisely kept those details to myself because no one would have believed me.

But as long as I could remember, and after being placed in foster care, I had constructed a fantasy world for myself, the people I assumed to be my family.  Foster care did that to you, bouncing from one bad home to another, until you finally land in a good one, or you end up on the wrong side of the law.

I’d finally landed in a good one when I was fifteen, but by that time, learning to dodge and weave the brutal, neglectful and horrible people, I’d become so entrenched in a world of lies that even I didn’t know truth from fiction.

But as to why I was in that interview room?

Well, given the time and the need to concentrate on anything but the pain, I began to think it all started seventeen days ago, the seventeenth anniversary of the murders.  I was home alone, the real members of my new family out celebrating one of my cousins’ birthdays.

I had not been invited, having been grounded after another incident at school.  I was watching the TV news and saw an item about a man who was from my hometown, a man with a face that registered in the back of my mind.

My first thought was that I’d seen him before, which was not unlikely. He had been the Assistant DA who was in charge of the investigation into my family’s murder, or so I’d been told.

And then I thought nothing more of it until I went to sleep that night and, for some odd reason, relived the events of that night seventeen years ago.

Only I could not have.  I was only a few months old. There was no way I could remember any of it.  But that was not the worst of it.  Lying in bed, I woke suddenly, and before I could clear my thoughts, a face was staring down at me, clear as day.

The man who had been on TV.  It was not possible. 

The reason, I believe, as to why I was there, I told the sheriff I’d remembered something that involved Herbert W Winfield, and I needed to speak to someone in the FBI.

Seventeen hours later, I had the shit beaten out of me and awaited a fate worse than death.

Many years ago, when I had gotten into trouble as an on-the-cusp teen, I was visited by an FBI agent.  She was investigating a case that, she said, was of national importance.

I thought that the fact that she was visiting me meant that I had finally reached that proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  She told me that it was not so much the crimes I’d committed as the fact that I was a person of interest in another crime, the murder of my family.

And the fact that she was currently looking at prospective candidates for President.  We had a president.  What did my father have to do with presenting investigations? She didn’t say, just that if I remembered anything, to call her.

She left a card.  Normally, when I bounced from foster carer to foster carer, I usually took nothing with me.  It seemed serendipitous that I still had it.

I was still thinking about that card when the door opened, and the sheriff came in.  Whatever I had done must have been very serious.

He closed the door and leaned against it.

I was breathing shallowly to ease the pain and sweating.  To say I was afraid was an understatement. 

“Lies, especially when they involve very important people, can have far-reaching consequences, Tim.  You and I both know that Mr Winfield had nothing to do with what happened to your family, and to involve him like this, well, I just can’t imagine why you would do so, other than it’s just another of your fantasies.  This time, however, there will be consequences.  Unless, of course, you go out there when we’re finished here and admit your lies and apologise for any harm you may have caused.”

“Then I’m free to go?”

“Unfortunately, not.  You have violated your last parole order, and that means the jail sentence is back on the table.  You will not be seeing daylight for at least five years, Tim.  As I said earlier, there will be consequences this time.  Enough is enough.”

Perhaps, I told myself, I might have been wiser not to share my thoughts, but I had assumed the sheriff would uphold the law.

“I’ll give you time to think about it.”

I had to ask.  “If I don’t agree?”

“You don’t want to go down that path, Tim.  Fifteen minutes.”

He pounded on the door, and a moment later, it opened.  I heard, “Sorry, Sheriff, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

He was almost pushed to one side as the woman came into the cell.  She stopped and gasped when she saw me.

“What the hell happened to him?”  She swivelled around to glare at the Sheriff.”

“He resisted arrest.”

“That’s one excuse, Sheriff, but not one that would hold up to investigation.  Come, Tim, I’m taking you out of here.”

“This is my problem, Agent…”

“Thomas, Agent Thomas.  This is my problem now.  You’d best find yourself a lawyer in case we come back.”  Back to me, “Tim.”

I stood, slowly, and winced.  It was not lost on her.

“Resisting arrest?”

Outside, in the fresh air, I couldn’t sigh in relief; it hurt too much.  There was another FBI type standing next to a black Suburban car, like the ones I’d seen on TV.

“Get in,” she said, her assistant holding the door open for me.

I climbed in, and he shut the door.  There was no escaping.

She got in and started driving.

“Where are we going?”

“Home.”

Except we weren’t.  We drove past the exit and straight on up the road, heading for the next county.  I figured it wasn’t the time to start asking stupid questions.  My first thought, now, was they were not who they said they were, but agents working for Winfield, here to do what he should have done seventeen years ago.

At a railway station at the first town over the county line, she stopped the car.  She nodded to the man, and he got out and walked across the road to the diner. 

She turned around and looked at me.  “We’re supposed to put a bullet in the back of your head and throw you down a disused mine.   There are a lot of them around here, and no one would bother looking for you, not even that new family of yours.  There’s a bag next to you on the seat.  Money and a new identity.  You take it, get on that train and then disappear.  You show your head above water again, I will find you and do what I should be doing.  I get it.  You got a bad break.  Now, grow a brain and change your life.  Completely.  Think you can do that?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m one of the good ones, Tim.  Now, you have five minutes before the train comes.  The ticket and money are in the bag; keep your head down, and no one needs to know.  Now, go.”

They had driven off before I reached the platform, just in time to see the train coming down the line.  The ticket was to the other side of the country.  My name was Jim Chalk.  Orphan.  There were the names of five restaurants looking for a general hand.  I guess any of the five would take me on.  There was an address for a boarding house and a lady’s name. 

By the time I arrived, Tim had gone, and Jim had taken over.  Finally, I could stop running.

©  Charles Heath  2025-2026