Days 150 and 151 – Writing Exercise

…

It was odd that an unidentified body washed up on shore in a relatively quiet stretch of shoreline.

It was winter, there were very few people about, and the person who found the body had only made a last-minute decision to go for a walk.

As it was, the anticipated rain came early, so it was a grim discovery on an appalling day.

I was well into the second half of the graveyard shift, shortly before dawn, and struggling to stay awake doing the paperwork I had been putting off for weeks.

The phone rang just as I was nodding off.  Surprise nearly saw me fall off the chair.

I grabbed the receiver before the shrill sound set my nerves on edge.  My partner had just left the room in search of some decent coffee.

“Yes?”

I should have answered with name and rank, and ended with How may I help you, but I hadn’t before and wasn’t going to start now.

“A member of the public had reported a body on Wilson’s Beach; uniforms are on their way “

I knew where Wilson’s Beach was, at the end of what used to be an almost impassable track, a short stretch of sand where teens took their alcohol and stupidity for a run.  This wasn’t the first death to turn up there.

And it wouldn’t be the last.

“On my way.”

Not exactly true, I had to wait for Burns to get back from his odyssey.  He would have more success finding Jason, the Argonauts, and the Golden Fleece than finding decent coffee in this building.

He looked disappointed when he arrived back five minutes after I hung up.

“We’ve got a job.”

“A drunk got hit crossing the road?”  That was quite literally our last job.

“A dead body washed up on shore.”

“Let me guess.  Wilson’s Beach?”  He grabbed his coat and walked through the door I’d opened for him.

“How did you know?”

He just gave me one of those looks.

…

It was every bit as dreary outside as I’d imagined it would be, and rain was sleeting down on the vehicle we’d requisitioned before shift.

It was better than the last one, and at least it had fuel in it.  We would not be lucky enough to get one of the electric vehicles.

I turned the heater up and the fan on full blast.  It blasted cold air.  The windows began to fog, a dangerous thing as the first shards of daylight appeared, making it hard to distinguish anything.

Water streamed off the windscreen and sloshed up from under the car, and those passing in the opposite direction.  It was like driving through a tidal wave.

I was expecting more traffic.

Burns was surly at the best of times, a career detective who had only progressed as far as Detective Sergeant because he put family first.

He was one of the better ones I’d been paired with, except for being often regaled with the details of his life, wife, and six children, all of whom seemed to be larger than life. 

At least he had a family, I didn’t, and the wife I had bailed many years ago after the first time I was nearly fatally shot.  I guess you had to have a certain quality to be a cop’s wife.

It wasn’t a morning for conversation.  Yesterday it was Burns’ 30th wedding anniversary, and their youngest child’s 18th birthday, a double celebration.  He had come straight to work from the party.

I knew from his expression where he’d prefer to be.

Details of the case, if any, would magically appear in my cell phone, hopefully before we reached the crime scene, if it was a crime.

…

We arrived to join the collection of flashing lights easily seen in the darkened distance.

From the clearing just off the road, it was a longish twisty hike down to the beach.  Not so bad going down, and an absolute bastard getting back up.

A uniformed officer in a raincoat was on guard.

Oliver, a newly assigned Detective Constable, had been assigned to me to learn the ropes.  He was enthusiastic, but given his qualifications, far superior to Burns and mine, I thought he would be better off as a rocket scientist or jet fighter pilot.

Not standing in the rain waiting to fill in the crime scene details.

It was still raining.

“You look far more awake than I am, Oliver,” I said, wishing I could syphon some of his enthusiasm.

“Nothing like a dead body to liven up what might be an otherwise boring day.”

He handed us the necessary gear so we could go down, and we prepared.

“What’s the story?” I asked.

“Male, between 30 and 40, has not been in the water long.  Initial inspection showed a bump to the head, but not severe enough to assume he was dead or unconscious before entering the water.  My thought is that the victim fell overboard before or after hitting his head and face down, drowned.  Sometimes the simple explanation…”

Oliver was like the Chief Superintendent, both liked closed, uncomplicated cases.

“We’ll know more after the post-mortem, I’m guessing.  Anyone reported missing from a boat?”

“Not that I know of, but I’ll do a deeper dive when I get back to the station.”

We were ready, and Oliver led the way.  The path had been recently hacked to clear away the usual entanglement of shrubbery. Several investigators were picking their way through the edges for any evidence.

At the beach level, there was a defined path we could walk along, about 20 yards to the water’s edge, where a tent had been set up over the body.

More investigators were searching the water’s edge.
.
I stopped at the entrance to the tent.  Doc, the name we gave our coroner, was kneeling beside the body.

After a few minutes, she straightened and looked in my direction.

“Henry.”

“Doc.  What have we got here?”

“A dead body.”

Doc had a strange sense of humour, one I got, but few others understood.  Her medical experience came from a stint in the Army and volunteering in African hotspots.  As well as the obligatory years as an intern in ER, in general practise, and specialising, though I was not exactly sure in what.

Didn’t matter, she had seen everything, and then some.

“Aside from the obvious.”

“Wounds consistent with falling overboard.”

“Pushed?”

“Or fell.  Several contusions to the head, again consistent with a fall.  He didn’t dive in on his own volition, though in the rough seas out beyond the bay, a wave could have picked him up and sent him back towards the boat.  We’ll check the weather and tides.”

“Not a fall from a ship?”

“Possible, but there’d be more damage when he hit the water.  I’ll know more when we get him back to the morgue.  Doesn’t look like he’s been in the water too long.  I’d be getting a list of boats in the area.”

“ID?”

“Nothing.  A John Doe for the moment.”

I took a look at the body and surrounds.  Swept in from the sea, and the person who found the body obviously dragged the body out of the water to check for life signs.

The waves were crashing, and it was rougher further out.  Nothing screaming murder, not then.

Burns had spoken to the person who found the body.  “The dog found it, rather than the owner.  He then dragged the victim up the sand and checked for life signs.  None.  Called the police.  Only one set of foot and paw prints.”

Burns put his head in the tent, took a moment, then came out.

“Not a party animal, not a fisherman.  Just a normal person, like someone catching a ferry home.”

“Except there are no ferries.”

“There is that.  I hate John Doe cases.”

He was not the only one. “Get a photo of his face.  We’ll get Tech to run a check and see if we can get an ID. Also, check the nearest marinas for boats out last night.”

“Roger that.” Two notes in the pad, and back into the tent for a face photo.

Until we knew who he was and where he came from, this was not going to move quickly.  I made sure he sent a photo to the Chief Constable.  We needed his authority to widen the ID search beyond our jurisdiction.

As it turned out, we didn’t have to wait that long.  An anonymous tip was received telling us that the man on the beach was Joshua Stevens.  It came before the 10 o’clock news, and, oddly, it was on the 10 o’clock news.

A text message came from Wendy, one of the tech staff at the station who was assigned to our investigative team, telling me that there was an item of interest in the local radio station’s 10 o’clock news bulletin, and attached was a sound grab.

“The body of a 41-year-old London man, Joshua Stevens, was found on the shoreline at Wilson’s Beach in the early hours of this morning.

“So far, it is not known who Mr Stevens was, or if he had any family, or why he was in the area.  Police are treating the death as accidental, but investigations are ongoing.”

That was it.  It was more than I knew 10 minutes ago, and I  thought it interesting that someone was more informed than I was.

That someone had to be Alison Brentwater, ace reporter for the local Chronicle, and if it could be said I had a nemesis, it was her.

…

Alison Brentwater and I were old sparring partners.  It was not for the first time she had gazumped me in getting the juicy details of a murder suspect, and I often suspected she had a spy inside the station house.

I had her number on speed dial.

“Henry.”

“Alison.”

“Perhaps we should switch places,” she said with that special sarcastic tone she saved for me.

“The pay is terrible.”

“Perhaps not, then?”

“How?”

“I have my sources.”

“I’ll shout you coffee and cake, and we will have a talk.”

It wasn’t the first time she had all but thrown a spoke in the works, and I could feel the Chief Super reaching for the phone.  I didn’t feel like a bollocking, not until I knew more.

“20 minutes, usual place.”

That she didn’t tell me where to go in no uncertain terms, like the last time, worried me.

. .

Petra’s Cafe was off the main street and an excellent choice to not be seen in.  Petra was both Alison’s and my friend from University, the one who preferred being a barista to an accountant.

I was going to be a journalist, but the truth was Alison was so much better at it than I was, so I chose another profession.  It wasn’t being a detective at first, that just came out of left field.

Alison thought it amusing, and typically of her, said she made a better detective, and in her inimitable manner set out to prove it.

She was the sort of girl you could love to hate.  I had once considered dating, but it would not have lasted.  She was too competitive in everything.

Petra was a different story, and I was still considering how I could approach her, given that she did not think as much of me as I did of her.

Petra was serving tables when I arrived, and I deposited myself at the back.  It took a few minutes for her to reach me.

“You’re looking glum?”

“The case.”

“The floater?”  Then she got that look.  “Alison and her spies.”  She shook her head.  “You’re going to have to up your game.  Latte?”

“Double shot.”

“That bad?”

We both saw her coming.  It was not hard.  She wasn’t conventional, still sporting green hair from an undercover reporting job in the city’s more seedy nightclubs.  When she told me, I told her I didn’t want to be woken with the news she had been found in an alley somewhere.

It didn’t go down well.

“The usual,” she said, flopping into a chair. 

Petra smiled, “Good morning to you, too.”  And left.

“How do you do it?” I asked.

“It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.”

I knew she had a contact list that was a who’s who of the city, names that would make up an interesting suspect list if anything happened to her, if that book was ever found.

“Don’t spin me a line.  There was no ID on the body, no distinguishing features, nothing except perhaps dental records, but I fear not even that will help us.  How do you know?

“I briefly interviewed him two weeks ago in relation to an altercation in the Burberry Inn.  Not a police matter, a friend was a victim of domestic violence, I was trying to get something on her boyfriend, and Joshua witnessed him being an ass.  That’s it.”

“He was drinking a pint in the pub?”

“By himself, minding his own business.  I got his name, that’s it.  He wasn’t very helpful.  He had a slight accent, I suspect he was born in England to foreign parents, no wedding ring, reasonably expensive clothes, nervous sort, kept looking in the direction of the door like he was expecting someone.”

“From London?”

“The bartender asked if he was new in town.  He said he was up from London on business.”

“You think his death was an accident.”

Our coffee arrived in paper cups.  Petra obviously thought we were both in a hurry.

“First impressions. But knowing now who he is, it depends on who he was doing business with. I guess I’d better set the wheels in motion.”

“I helped you, you have to help me.”

“You think I’m going to find out more than you.  Perhaps it’s more appropriate for you to help me.”

“We’ll see.”

She put the lid back on her coffee, smiled, and left.

…

By the time I got back to the station, I had Oliver coming back from the crime scene, the body collected and taken to the morgue, and Burns on his way to the Burberry Inn looking for witnesses and CCTV.  Oliver’s first job was to find as much information on Joshua Stevens as he could.

I went to see the Chief Superintendent and advised him on progress, the fact that Alison Brentwater had given us a preliminary identification of the body and the circumstances, and then held my breath. 

I also added that consensus so far considered this the result of an accident, somewhat muddied by the fact that no one reported it, or a missing person within a 50-mile radius, which I’d checked before I got to his office.  I was in the process of checking elsewhere in the country.

He simply wanted the case closed, but also the I’s dotted and the T’s crossed.

An email arrived with a list of missing persons after increasing the scope to Greater London, and Joshua’s name was on it, reported by his brother, and not his wife. 

There were file notes on the interviews with both.  The brother was concerned because they were in constant contact, and he had not sent an email for a week.

His wife said he was often on business trips that were sporadic and of indeterminate length.  She thought he was just being Joshua, though she did say she suspected him of having an affair.  She added that she had no idea where he was, and he rarely called.  It was, I thought, an odd relationship.

I told Oliver to get a hold of his phone records and those of any family members.  They would make interesting reading.

Next, I went down to the wharf where the two boats that offered cruises, fishing trips, and dinner cruises had their offices.

The first hadn’t run any cruises in the last few days.  The second had run three, a fishing trip in the morning, a luncheon cruise, and, after dark, dinner cruises taking in the shore lights.

Margaret Bently, married to the son of the ship’s master and owner of Seaside Voyagers, according to the staff photographs posted behind the counter, was in the middle of a charter booking, city folk looking for an ocean adventure, or so it seemed.

The sales pitch was far more graphically interesting than the reality.  Unless the picture I had in my mind was wrong.

I waited the five minutes before the conversation ended, not quite as expected.  She did not seem pleased.

Putting the phone down, she gave me her attention.

I showed her my warrant card, and before I said a word, she was on the defensive.  “We had nothing to do with anyone washing up on shore.”

To me, that sounded more like they did, but we’re not going to admit it.

“I take it you heard the news.”

“Who hasn’t?”

“Your company ran three tours yesterday.  I would like a passenger manifest for each and proof they got on and got off the boat.”

“Do you have a warrant?”

“I can order the shutdown of this business, and impounding of all your vessels as potential crime scenes, and a complete audit of your operation, as well as a complete audit of your accounts.

“Apparently, the coast guard is about to investigate the possibility of small operations like yours picking up drugs brought in by large ships.  It will only take one call.”

I had seen a memo hinting at a joint operation between services on drug importation, so I simply added a little embellishment. 

She glared at me.  “We have nothing to hide.”  Her tone suggested otherwise.  She pulled a binder out from under the counter and extracted three sheets, copied them and then gave them to me.

Passenger lists.

“Thank you.”

She ignored me.  The phone had started ringing again.

…

The afternoon was taken up with Burns putting together a board that had Joshua Stevens on the centre, his brother Roger on one side, and his wife Stella, nee Williams, on the other.  The photographs were missing.

The timeline working back from the time of discovery on Wilson’s Beach at about 6 am, time of death from 8 pm to 4 am, and before that, not a lot.

I listed Joshua in the Inn and Seaside Voyagers.  Joshua’s name was not on any of the passengers’ lists, but it was possible he could have used an assumed name.  Oliver was going to follow up on all the names.

We needed a coroner’s report, and that was in progress.

Joshua had a very small social media footprint.  In face it was a Facebook page that had an icon and name and little else.  There were no friends or family, and no wife.  It was like he created it and then forgot it.

His wife had a similar page, a photo of EmWonder Woman, not hers, and no friends’ posts. 

His brother had nothing but a name.

It seemed odd that the whole family just didn’t exist, outside a dead body and two ghosts.  I asked the station that took the missing persons report to bring them in and ask more questions.  And get photographs of them.

It was very unusual to be so anonymous.  What struck me as a possibility was that Joshua and his wife were in some witness protection scheme, and he had been flushed out into the open.

There were no newspaper articles about either of them, which was a red flag.  I set Wendy to dig deeper into the mire to see if anything was available anywhere on the internet.

Our board was very scant on details.

…

Before going home, I was called into the Morgue, where the results of the post mortem were in.

Death was not by drowning.  He was not alive before he went into the water.  In fact, he had suffered a severe heart attack and died quickly, not dragged out, and perhaps that was a good thing.

He had lipstick and scent about his person so he had been with a woman shortly before he died.  No clues as to where he had been before ending up in the water, and equally, his time in the water hadn’t washed away the trace evidence.

It led to another possibility: he was murdered on the beach, and that put the man who discovered the body back on the list.

I went back to the office and added more items to the board, including the man who found the body, Jake Williams, and a photo Oliver had taken of him.

It was then that I noticed a slight similarity between him and Margaret at Seaside Voyagers.  And the fact that both shared a surname.

Out of curiosity, I typed in the name Stella Williams and found an old Facebook page with a young photo of Stella.

No mistaking the resemblance.

What were the odds that Stella, Margaret and Jack were related?

…

©  Charles Heath  2026

More about my second novel

…

Zoe is now painfully reminded why she did not get involved with other people, why it was better to be responsible only for herself.  It was easy, perhaps to blame John for making his own problems by not heeding her advice, but, just the same, she felt a small shred of responsibility for his current situation.

After learning that John has been kidnapped by Olga, Zoe first goes to see an old colleague, and Yuri’s friend, Dominica to interrogate her, then meets up with Yuri, and it does not end well for one of them.  After telling her he’s the elusive Romanov, Yuri informs her of the fact that Olga has taken John and that Worthington is about to use John’s mother as leverage against her.

Not knowing immediately where Olga is, but believing she will not kill him because Zoe will come to her, she detours to take care of Worthington, having finally realised why he was searching for her.  In another of her many disguises, room service visits his room, and Worthington gets more than dinner served up to him.

Of course, Yuri lies. He is not Romanov, and Romanov is not trying to kill her, but find her.

Who is she? Well, you’ll have to read the book to find out.

And, as for Olga, well, hell hath no fury than a woman avenging a woman avenging her son!

…

More about my second novel

…

Zoe is now painfully reminded why she did not get involved with other people, why it was better to be responsible only for herself.  It was easy, perhaps to blame John for making his own problems by not heeding her advice, but, just the same, she felt a small shred of responsibility for his current situation.

After learning that John has been kidnapped by Olga, Zoe first goes to see an old colleague, and Yuri’s friend, Dominica to interrogate her, then meets up with Yuri, and it does not end well for one of them.  After telling her he’s the elusive Romanov, Yuri informs her of the fact that Olga has taken John and that Worthington is about to use John’s mother as leverage against her.

Not knowing immediately where Olga is, but believing she will not kill him because Zoe will come to her, she detours to take care of Worthington, having finally realised why he was searching for her.  In another of her many disguises, room service visits his room, and Worthington gets more than dinner served up to him.

Of course, Yuri lies. He is not Romanov, and Romanov is not trying to kill her, but find her.

Who is she? Well, you’ll have to read the book to find out.

And, as for Olga, well, hell hath no fury than a woman avenging a woman avenging her son!

…

Day 149 – What really is writer’s block

…

The Myth of the Blank Page: Why “Writer’s Block” Is More Than Just a Stuck Pen

Every writer knows the sensation: you stare at the cursor, blinking rhythmically against a stark white screen, and your brain feels like a locked door. You can’t find the key. You call it “writer’s block.” You blame it on the caffeine crash, the deadline pressure, or a lack of inspiration.

But have you ever stopped to wonder if the term itself is actually to blame?

If you trace the history of those two words back to their source, you’ll find that “writer’s block” isn’t a medical condition or an inevitable creative cycle. It’s a diagnosis—and one that carries a heavy, somewhat dark, psychological weight.

The Invention of a Diagnosis

For most of literary history, writers simply struggled. They had “dry spells,” they “hit a wall,” or they were “out of ideas.” Then, in 1947, a psychoanalyst named Edmund Bergler coined the term “writer’s block.”

To understand Bergler, you have to understand the era. He was working in the shadow of Sigmund Freud, and he viewed the creative process through a very specific, psychoanalytic lens. Bergler didn’t think you were stuck because you were tired or uninspired. He believed that the “block” was actually an unconscious act of self-sabotage.

According to Bergler, writers were suffering from a deep-seated, masochistic drive. He argued that the writer unconsciously sabotaged their own work to enjoy the “self-constructed defeat” of failing to write. In his view, the agony of not being able to finish a manuscript wasn’t a struggle against a narrative problem; it was a psychological compulsion to suffer.

Is This Really About Word Counts?

If we accept Bergler’s definition, then “writer’s block” stops being a productivity issue and starts being an internal conflict.

This is where things get interesting. If you’re struggling to reach your daily word count, you usually look for practical solutions: try the Pomodoro technique, change your environment, or outline your chapters more clearly. But if the problem is actually a subconscious desire to sabotage yourself, those practical fixes will never work.

By framing our struggles as “writer’s block,” we’ve inherited a diagnosis that suggests the problem lies deep within our psyche, rather than on the page. It turns a professional hurdle into a personal failing.

Moving Beyond the “Block”

Maybe it’s time we retire the phrasing. When we tell ourselves we have “writer’s block,” we are giving ourselves permission to stop. We are turning a temporary lapse in flow into an identity—a “blocked” writer.

Perhaps the next time you feel stuck, you shouldn’t ask, “Why am I sabotaging myself?” or “How do I overcome this block?” Instead, try asking:

• Is this section actually necessary for the story? (Maybe you’re stuck because the narrative is heading in the wrong direction.)
• Am I exhausted or burnt out? (Sometimes, the tank is just empty.)
• Is my goal too big? (Breaking a chapter into 100-word segments is far less daunting than “finishing the book.”)

Writer’s block might be a useful shorthand for the frustration of the craft, but it’s worth remembering that it was invented by a man who looked for internal demons behind every closed door. You don’t have to be a masochist to struggle with a sentence. Sometimes, a hard day of writing is just a hard day of writing—no analysis required.

Next time the words won’t come, don’t blame your subconscious. Just close the laptop, take a walk, and remember: you aren’t “blocked.” You’re just in the middle of the work.

…

Day 149 – What really is writer’s block

…

The Myth of the Blank Page: Why “Writer’s Block” Is More Than Just a Stuck Pen

Every writer knows the sensation: you stare at the cursor, blinking rhythmically against a stark white screen, and your brain feels like a locked door. You can’t find the key. You call it “writer’s block.” You blame it on the caffeine crash, the deadline pressure, or a lack of inspiration.

But have you ever stopped to wonder if the term itself is actually to blame?

If you trace the history of those two words back to their source, you’ll find that “writer’s block” isn’t a medical condition or an inevitable creative cycle. It’s a diagnosis—and one that carries a heavy, somewhat dark, psychological weight.

The Invention of a Diagnosis

For most of literary history, writers simply struggled. They had “dry spells,” they “hit a wall,” or they were “out of ideas.” Then, in 1947, a psychoanalyst named Edmund Bergler coined the term “writer’s block.”

To understand Bergler, you have to understand the era. He was working in the shadow of Sigmund Freud, and he viewed the creative process through a very specific, psychoanalytic lens. Bergler didn’t think you were stuck because you were tired or uninspired. He believed that the “block” was actually an unconscious act of self-sabotage.

According to Bergler, writers were suffering from a deep-seated, masochistic drive. He argued that the writer unconsciously sabotaged their own work to enjoy the “self-constructed defeat” of failing to write. In his view, the agony of not being able to finish a manuscript wasn’t a struggle against a narrative problem; it was a psychological compulsion to suffer.

Is This Really About Word Counts?

If we accept Bergler’s definition, then “writer’s block” stops being a productivity issue and starts being an internal conflict.

This is where things get interesting. If you’re struggling to reach your daily word count, you usually look for practical solutions: try the Pomodoro technique, change your environment, or outline your chapters more clearly. But if the problem is actually a subconscious desire to sabotage yourself, those practical fixes will never work.

By framing our struggles as “writer’s block,” we’ve inherited a diagnosis that suggests the problem lies deep within our psyche, rather than on the page. It turns a professional hurdle into a personal failing.

Moving Beyond the “Block”

Maybe it’s time we retire the phrasing. When we tell ourselves we have “writer’s block,” we are giving ourselves permission to stop. We are turning a temporary lapse in flow into an identity—a “blocked” writer.

Perhaps the next time you feel stuck, you shouldn’t ask, “Why am I sabotaging myself?” or “How do I overcome this block?” Instead, try asking:

• Is this section actually necessary for the story? (Maybe you’re stuck because the narrative is heading in the wrong direction.)
• Am I exhausted or burnt out? (Sometimes, the tank is just empty.)
• Is my goal too big? (Breaking a chapter into 100-word segments is far less daunting than “finishing the book.”)

Writer’s block might be a useful shorthand for the frustration of the craft, but it’s worth remembering that it was invented by a man who looked for internal demons behind every closed door. You don’t have to be a masochist to struggle with a sentence. Sometimes, a hard day of writing is just a hard day of writing—no analysis required.

Next time the words won’t come, don’t blame your subconscious. Just close the laptop, take a walk, and remember: you aren’t “blocked.” You’re just in the middle of the work.

…

Day 148 – From a single spark

…

The Art of the Spark: Why Your Best Ideas Don’t Happen at a Desk

We are taught from a young age that productivity is a sedentary activity. We’re told to sit down, open the laptop, force a furrowed brow, and “get to work.” We treat creativity like a math equation: Inputs + Desk Time = Output.

But if you look at the creative process of the world’s most interesting thinkers, you’ll find a common truth: The best work rarely happens when you’re forcing it.

I don’t sit at my desk and think. That’s not how the magic works. For me, the process is far more ethereal, and infinitely more effective.

The Midnight Line

My creative process starts in the quiet, disjointed landscape of a dream. I wake up, often in the haze of the early morning, with a single line etched into my consciousness. It’s a fragment—a stray thought that feels like it carries the weight of a thousand words.

I write it down immediately, before the logic of the waking world can dilute it. And then, I look at it.

At that moment, the line is just a point—a single dot on a blank page. But that dot is powerful because it’s unresolved. It isn’t a finished sentence; it’s a compass needle. It can lean in a dozen different directions.

Inventing the Context

Here is the secret that most people are too afraid to admit: I don’t always know what my own ideas mean at first.

When I look at that line, I’m not analysing it. I’m playing with it. I’m acting as an architect for an idea that has no home yet. If the line is strange or opaque, I have to work backward. I have to invent a context. I have to build a world around that fragment so that it finally makes sense.

This is the opposite of the “desk-bound” approach. Instead of starting with a rigid structure and trying to fill it, I start with a spark and wait to see what it sets on fire.

The Death of Failure

When you view creativity as a process of discovery—of waking up and following a thread—the fear of failure evaporates.

If I sit down to write a “perfect” piece of work and it doesn’t land, it feels like a failure. But if I wake up and write down a line, and then spend my day trying to figure out what that line could be, there is no such thing as failure.

If the direction I choose doesn’t quite fit, I simply change the context. If the concept doesn’t work, I turn the page. Every attempt is just another way of exploring the potential of that original point. It isn’t a mistake; it’s a draft. It’s an exploration. It’s the process of turning fog into solid ground.

Your Next Step

If you feel blocked, stop trying to force your brain to function like a machine at your desk. Let go of the need to have a “final plan” before you begin.

Start with a line. Don’t judge it. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense yet. Treat your idea like a point that can lean in any direction, and give yourself the freedom to invent the world that houses it.

After all, the most compelling stories aren’t the ones we plan—they’re the ones we discover by listening to the quiet fragments of our own minds.

…

Day 148 – From a single spark

…

The Art of the Spark: Why Your Best Ideas Don’t Happen at a Desk

We are taught from a young age that productivity is a sedentary activity. We’re told to sit down, open the laptop, force a furrowed brow, and “get to work.” We treat creativity like a math equation: Inputs + Desk Time = Output.

But if you look at the creative process of the world’s most interesting thinkers, you’ll find a common truth: The best work rarely happens when you’re forcing it.

I don’t sit at my desk and think. That’s not how the magic works. For me, the process is far more ethereal, and infinitely more effective.

The Midnight Line

My creative process starts in the quiet, disjointed landscape of a dream. I wake up, often in the haze of the early morning, with a single line etched into my consciousness. It’s a fragment—a stray thought that feels like it carries the weight of a thousand words.

I write it down immediately, before the logic of the waking world can dilute it. And then, I look at it.

At that moment, the line is just a point—a single dot on a blank page. But that dot is powerful because it’s unresolved. It isn’t a finished sentence; it’s a compass needle. It can lean in a dozen different directions.

Inventing the Context

Here is the secret that most people are too afraid to admit: I don’t always know what my own ideas mean at first.

When I look at that line, I’m not analysing it. I’m playing with it. I’m acting as an architect for an idea that has no home yet. If the line is strange or opaque, I have to work backward. I have to invent a context. I have to build a world around that fragment so that it finally makes sense.

This is the opposite of the “desk-bound” approach. Instead of starting with a rigid structure and trying to fill it, I start with a spark and wait to see what it sets on fire.

The Death of Failure

When you view creativity as a process of discovery—of waking up and following a thread—the fear of failure evaporates.

If I sit down to write a “perfect” piece of work and it doesn’t land, it feels like a failure. But if I wake up and write down a line, and then spend my day trying to figure out what that line could be, there is no such thing as failure.

If the direction I choose doesn’t quite fit, I simply change the context. If the concept doesn’t work, I turn the page. Every attempt is just another way of exploring the potential of that original point. It isn’t a mistake; it’s a draft. It’s an exploration. It’s the process of turning fog into solid ground.

Your Next Step

If you feel blocked, stop trying to force your brain to function like a machine at your desk. Let go of the need to have a “final plan” before you begin.

Start with a line. Don’t judge it. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense yet. Treat your idea like a point that can lean in any direction, and give yourself the freedom to invent the world that houses it.

After all, the most compelling stories aren’t the ones we plan—they’re the ones we discover by listening to the quiet fragments of our own minds.

…

Day 146 – Writing exercise

After what happened, he knew that his first day at the post office was also going to be his last.

…

Of course, it depended on what your version of a post office was.

To most, it was a place where one went to buy stamps and put mail into collection boxes, and where letters and parcels arriving there were sorted and delivered.

To a select group of people, charged with protecting the country and its people from foreign intervention, a post office was something completely different.

It was a post where a selective group of experts worked, a team of operatives, their handler, the researchers, the briefer, the supply chain.

Those posts were called post offices and their employees were postal workers.

We had post offices all over the world, though it would be true to say that when overseas, they were part of the embassy or consulate.

We coexisted with other services, those more well-known and had a much higher profile.

It was the perfect cover, because anyone clever enough to hack into the post office computer servers would find we were all simply ordinary people.

Who did extraordinary things.

Sometimes.

….

As the officer at the training establishment said when we were given a departing lecture before getting our first assignments, we put the secret into a secret agent.

Most of us thought that was amusing, being only ten out of the two hundred that applied.  I had only applied as a joke, after spending two years roaming Europe after graduating from University.

I didn’t want to become a lawyer, and had fought the family tradition as long as I’d could until succumbing to pressure.  Like father, like son, like his father before him.

It was more about power and wealth, two things I was not interested in.  Call it rebellion, but unlike my brothers and sisters, I did not like the life that it afforded us.  Perhaps once, but once you mingle with the less fortunate, you get to see the world as it really is.

It was something my gather couldn’t understand.

So, according to my parents, I went off the rails.  I became the black sheep, the one everyone has; the others turned out just fine, thank you.

I saw them once before I finally disappeared, when they were in Paris at the apartment that my paternal grandmother had bequeathed to my father.

She had died the week before, and I made the effort to go to her funeral.  She had understood my disdain, though she did not understand why I stayed away.

I meant to stay out of sight, but my sister, Eileen, had seen me standing back from the others and came over, at first not recognising me.

She was not as bad as my brothers, had her moments of both acquiescence and rebellion, but had settled down to follow tradition.

I had expressed disappointment and our last words were harsh.

I watched her come over, trying to figure out who would turn up at a funeral and not want to be seen.

It was cold, but it was not why a shiver went down my spine.  Fear?  Maybe, but I just saw my father, and that brought back a far worse memory.

“Do I know you?” She asked.

“Does it matter?”

Then her expression changed.  Recognition.  We could change our appearance, sometimes radically, but not our eyes or voices.  Especially in a moment where we forget we’re playing a role.

“Gerry?”

I sighed.  “Don’t tell the rest of them I was here.  They wouldn’t understand.”

“And i would?”  There was a touch of anger in her tone, not surprising.  “Where have you been?”

“Bumming around Europe.  You know,  I sent postcards.”

To her, no one else.  Whether she kept them or tossed them in the bin was of no consequence.

“Yes.  When you felt like it.  Are you coming home?”

“No.”

“You going to see the others?”

The thought had crossed my mind until I remembered the last argument with both my parents.  I had expected some support from my mother, but she just agreed with my father.  It was the deciding factor in leaving.

“No.  I got sick of the same old arguments.  Dad cut me off, so I learned to fly on my own.  It’s a whole different world out there.”

“You’d cut your nose off to spite your face, Gerry.  You finished your law degree, then wasted it.”

That was my father speaking.  She had a mind of her own.  Once.  Now she had folded perfectly into the family mould.

“Law is boring.  Working for my father would be even more so.  We both know his attentions are firmly focused on the prodigal son, James.  The rest are just pawns to be manipulated.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way.”

I shook my head.  She would, like the others, never understand.

“So what are you going to do?”

“Diplomacy with the state department.”  It was the go-to explanation of our lives to anyone we used to know.  “I get my first posting in a few days.  It’ll probably be somewhere in Africa, knowing my luck.”

She looked me up and down, and I suspect she didn’t believe a word I was telling her.  She was the only one who could tell when I was lying, though I was a lot better at it now than back then.

“So, this is it, and you’re off again.”

“I’m the black sheep, Sis.  The stain on the family name.  I think I have reached Uncle Harry’s level of infamy.”

“So that’s what Dad was going on about.  The one in every generation.  Wow.  Despite the fact you’re nothing like him.”  Then she rounded on me.  “Unless you are.  What’s really going on with you?”

I could imagine my father filling her head with nonsense.

“I simply chose a different vocation.  See the world, help solve crises before they become crises, not help criminals get away with murder.  I’m sorry if I have a conscience, and it doesn’t suit family values.  I think I’ve seen and heard enough, Eileen.  Tell them you saw me or not, I don’t care.”

It was foolish of me to think they might have changed.  They had not.  If anything, my father had succeeded in turning my siblings against me, and if that was the case, so be it.

It made it easy for me to just walk away and never see them again.

…

I was sent to Rome for my first posting.  In the briefing with the assignments officer, I was told that the handler, Jacob Weissman, was old school, a man who had a particular way of doing things, and he expected obedience.  He was also in the last year before retirement.

It was also the office with the highest turnover of agents.  The incentive to go there was that if I lasted the distance, I would be considered for a leadership role.

It wasn’t particularly high on my list of priorities; I was more interested in getting experience in the field first, and that generally took five years at least.  If you survived.

I flew to Rome on a Wednesday and was due in the office on Thursday.  I’d been to Italy and Rome before, post graduation and didn’t like it, instead staying in Florence, and getting lost in the ancient history.

The Rome post office was in a back street, cobbled roadway and ancient bricks, making the inside very cool compared to the heat outside.

There was a man in a suit sitting at a desk with a computer and, no doubt, a gun ready to shoot anyone who looked like trouble.

I gave him my letter of introduction, which was specially coded and verified by fingerprint.

He gave me a temporary pass that got me into the main office, where I was met by the administrative officer and taken to the situation room.  There, the panel was waiting.

Jacob Weissman, handler and Head of Station.

Rebecca Abernathy, Administrative Officer.

Julie Grassmier, Operations Manager.

Bethany Myers and Jack Blumenthal, the research team.

Five on one side of the table and me on the other, just like my university admissions interview.  Not a welcoming smile among them.  I had expected one or more agents to be in attendance.

Jacob opened the file he had in front of him.  It was thin, with plenty of room for additions.  It held the documents from the training camp.

“Gerald Walker.  Any relation to the Pittsburgh Walkers?”

There would be nothing about any relation to anyone in the file. The interview at the training camp made the same association, which I denied.  Different branch, distant relatives, we didn’t associate with them for obvious reasons

“We have the same surname.”

“Not the answer to the question I asked.”

I could see that Jacob and I were not going to get along.

“No.  No relation.”

I looked at the five faces in front of me, and not one was friendly.  I could see why there was such a large turnaround of agents, and how easy it could be that the first day could be the last.

Jacob looked especially unwelcoming.

“We do things differently.  We do not usually take new recruits out of the Academy, but we’re a man down and apparently you’re it.  We do not like mavericks or loners.  You will proceed to the brief.”

“As you wish.  What about liaising with the local authorities?’

“If you come in contact with them, which you should assiduously avoid at all costs, then you will come to me, and I will handle it.”

“Do they know about us?”

“They do nothing unless it is necessary.  You are expected not to put yourself in their way.  They take a very dim view of us working on their patch, so discretion is necessary.”

“Is there an assignment?”

“One is in development.  Get acquainted with Rome while you can.”

The folder closed, the interview, introduction, whatever it was, was over.  My only impression from it, Jacob was a micro-manager, and it was going to be impossible to work with.

…

From what I remember of my last visit to Rome, it had a lot of ancient sites, and we had made a point of visiting most of them.

It was a period when my sister had decided she was going to study archaeology and that her father would be happy to sponsor a dig somewhere in Egypt or Italy, preferably near the Mediterranean, so she could stay on a yacht.

Her father wasn’t particularly pleased, humoured her and like everything she did, it lasted a month or two; then he declared it boring and moved on.

She still stayed on the yacht for a few weeks with her suitably impressed friends.

I wasn’t that interested then, but this time I bought a guidebook and decided to go full on tourist.

That first day I visited the Colosseum and tried to imagine what it was like back in the days of ancient Rome and the people who had graced the seats looking down on the carnage that was supposed to be ‘games’.

Like throwing Christians to the lions.

Like Gladiators fighting to the death.

Like accidentally noticing a particular woman who was following me, or perhaps it was my overactive imagination.

It felt like the home team were putting me through a few exercises to see if they hadn’t made a mistake putting me in the field.

So the watcher became the watched.

I considered the odds of anyone even knowing that I was in Rime, and if they did, why I was there.  Unless it was mandatory for all staff passing through the embassy. An exercise to keep us on our toes.

I saw her five times, one actually looking in my direction.  She did not appear to be with anyone else, but good surveillance required more than one person and preferably a four-man rotating squad.

I moved to the city ruins not far from the Colosseum, and it appeared she had not followed me.

The next day, I visited the Trevi Fountain, and while sitting back having a cup of coffee, I found her, trying a different disguise but nonetheless easily identified to the trained eye.

She was definitely following me around.

Having planned to visit and got a ticket for the Parthenon, I took my time before heading to it in an annoyingly slow stroll that made it difficult for surveillance. 

Once outside, I waited for my moment, dodged her and went inside.  As soon as she couldn’t see me, I knew she’d follow me in.

Inside, there was nowhere to hide, so I took up a posting by some columns not far from the entrance.  Of course, my interest was not entirely taken up with the surveillance team; right now, it was in the large concrete dome that had been standing for a very long time.

Certainly a lot longer than our man-made structures.

I watched her do a circuit of the main hall and end up standing next to me.  Was it a deliberate move to unsettle me, or something else?

She knew that I knew she was following me.

That meant, as far as I could tell, she was one of the Italian police forces, the plain clothes suggesting a branch of the Carabinieri.

She looked sideways at me and had a half smile.  “You are a very interesting man, Gerard Walker.”

I shrugged.  It was a bit late to play the confused or apprehensive tourist card.  “You have me at a disadvantage.”

“As it should be.  Your handler, for want of a better description, knows the rules and yet he continually breaks them.  That would indicate he has not told you the ground rules for operating in this country.”

“Probably not, but I  have specific instructions from the people back home, which I’m sure you are aware of, of which I promised to observe “

The smile widened.  “Words, Gerald Walker, words you believe I, and my superiors want to hear.  Your predecessors went down the same path, and they did not fare well.”  She handed me a card.  “Before you launch World War Three, give me a call, and time, day or night.  You will find that cooperation with the appropriate authorities will make life for you much simpler and safer.  My compatriots sometimes shoot first, then ask questions.  Have a nice tour.”

“You should be my guide “

“I have criminals to catch and watch over errant spies.  Never a free moment.”  She sighed, then left.

To be honest, for a moment, I believed she was trouble, whether working for Italian law enforcement or not.

How could she possibly know I was in the city and what I would be doing there, unless…

Someone in the embassy told her.

Or she had more on the inside, reporting everything.  If it was, my money was on Jacob, trying to boost his retirement fund before leaving.

Working with local authorities was always part of the transparency catchphrase people like you think was a manageable option, but it wasn’t.  There were things that no one needed to know beyond the objective being achieved.  The how was almost always by any and all means available.

Using the phrase kill or be killed always seemed unpalatable, and no one, if they were not personally faced with a life or death situation, would ever understand.  I hadn’t yet, but the point was, until you are, taking a life was never a good idea.

It was described to us as the worst-case scenario.

Another was having your cover blown

Effectively, the moment she approached me, my usefulness was over.  Clandestine operations only worked if you remained clandestine.  That she and her whole department knew meant I should report it and ask for reassignment.

I had to consider that it was Jacob’s intent all along, not only for me but also for others in his group.  The question to ask was why?

…

I doubt officers back in the training establishment ever expected to hear from their graduates again, unless sent back to hone their skills or learn new skills and techniques.

I was determined to break that mould.  The problem I had was being caught out before I started.  I was not sure that had happened before, or if it had, whether it was significant, or a stain on my record.

I called a number for emergencies only.

And left a message.  Typically, there was no one on the other end.  After an hour had passed, I believed that no one really cared, that this was a test, and I was failing miserably.

Two hours later, my cell phone rang.  I was sitting in a park watching the rest of the work
I’d been getting on with their lives, and I was beginning to believe this was not what I expected or wanted.

What had happened to the other candidates before me who had found themselves in a sticky situation?

I answered with a noncommittal, “Yes?” As per protocol.

“Your mission, in case you haven’t worked it out by this time, is to find who it is that is betraying our agents to the local authorities.”

“That wasn’t explicitly expressed.”

“You have to read between the lines.  If you hadn’t come to a similar conclusion, you would not have called.  We have lost three agents in the last 12 months.  Find them.”

“The leak is not at your end?”

“No.  Handle it any way you see fit, but it stops now.  Understood?”

“Understood.”

I felt rather than saw a person sit on the other end of the bench, odd, because there were several free nearby.

A glance took in the woman who had accosted me earlier.

“No criminals to be chasing down?”

“Only errant spies.  I believe you made a call.”

I tried not to look shocked, but I was not that clever yet.

“How…”

“I’m paid to know everything, yet surprisingly often still left in the dark.  My superiors must thing is need to know, and I need to know.  You and I, I’m told, are about to become good friends.  We are seeking the same person.”

“Who are you?”

She smiled.  “I believe I am what you might call the Cheshire Cat.  She looked over at another bench where a man was sitting.

He wore a trenchcoat, smoking a pipe and reading, or pretending to read, a newspaper.

“Go over to the conspicuous man on that bench, and he will verify who I am, and give the code word your masters gave you back home.  I’ll wait.”

This was like a bad 1960s spy movie.

I shrugged.  It was either going to be an interesting assignment, or my life was over before it started.  Either way, at least I got to see the Ancient Roman Ruins.

…

©  Charles Heath  2026

Day 146 – Writing exercise

After what happened, he knew that his first day at the post office was also going to be his last.

…

Of course, it depended on what your version of a post office was.

To most, it was a place where one went to buy stamps and put mail into collection boxes, and where letters and parcels arriving there were sorted and delivered.

To a select group of people, charged with protecting the country and its people from foreign intervention, a post office was something completely different.

It was a post where a selective group of experts worked, a team of operatives, their handler, the researchers, the briefer, the supply chain.

Those posts were called post offices and their employees were postal workers.

We had post offices all over the world, though it would be true to say that when overseas, they were part of the embassy or consulate.

We coexisted with other services, those more well-known and had a much higher profile.

It was the perfect cover, because anyone clever enough to hack into the post office computer servers would find we were all simply ordinary people.

Who did extraordinary things.

Sometimes.

….

As the officer at the training establishment said when we were given a departing lecture before getting our first assignments, we put the secret into a secret agent.

Most of us thought that was amusing, being only ten out of the two hundred that applied.  I had only applied as a joke, after spending two years roaming Europe after graduating from University.

I didn’t want to become a lawyer, and had fought the family tradition as long as I’d could until succumbing to pressure.  Like father, like son, like his father before him.

It was more about power and wealth, two things I was not interested in.  Call it rebellion, but unlike my brothers and sisters, I did not like the life that it afforded us.  Perhaps once, but once you mingle with the less fortunate, you get to see the world as it really is.

It was something my gather couldn’t understand.

So, according to my parents, I went off the rails.  I became the black sheep, the one everyone has; the others turned out just fine, thank you.

I saw them once before I finally disappeared, when they were in Paris at the apartment that my paternal grandmother had bequeathed to my father.

She had died the week before, and I made the effort to go to her funeral.  She had understood my disdain, though she did not understand why I stayed away.

I meant to stay out of sight, but my sister, Eileen, had seen me standing back from the others and came over, at first not recognising me.

She was not as bad as my brothers, had her moments of both acquiescence and rebellion, but had settled down to follow tradition.

I had expressed disappointment and our last words were harsh.

I watched her come over, trying to figure out who would turn up at a funeral and not want to be seen.

It was cold, but it was not why a shiver went down my spine.  Fear?  Maybe, but I just saw my father, and that brought back a far worse memory.

“Do I know you?” She asked.

“Does it matter?”

Then her expression changed.  Recognition.  We could change our appearance, sometimes radically, but not our eyes or voices.  Especially in a moment where we forget we’re playing a role.

“Gerry?”

I sighed.  “Don’t tell the rest of them I was here.  They wouldn’t understand.”

“And i would?”  There was a touch of anger in her tone, not surprising.  “Where have you been?”

“Bumming around Europe.  You know,  I sent postcards.”

To her, no one else.  Whether she kept them or tossed them in the bin was of no consequence.

“Yes.  When you felt like it.  Are you coming home?”

“No.”

“You going to see the others?”

The thought had crossed my mind until I remembered the last argument with both my parents.  I had expected some support from my mother, but she just agreed with my father.  It was the deciding factor in leaving.

“No.  I got sick of the same old arguments.  Dad cut me off, so I learned to fly on my own.  It’s a whole different world out there.”

“You’d cut your nose off to spite your face, Gerry.  You finished your law degree, then wasted it.”

That was my father speaking.  She had a mind of her own.  Once.  Now she had folded perfectly into the family mould.

“Law is boring.  Working for my father would be even more so.  We both know his attentions are firmly focused on the prodigal son, James.  The rest are just pawns to be manipulated.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way.”

I shook my head.  She would, like the others, never understand.

“So what are you going to do?”

“Diplomacy with the state department.”  It was the go-to explanation of our lives to anyone we used to know.  “I get my first posting in a few days.  It’ll probably be somewhere in Africa, knowing my luck.”

She looked me up and down, and I suspect she didn’t believe a word I was telling her.  She was the only one who could tell when I was lying, though I was a lot better at it now than back then.

“So, this is it, and you’re off again.”

“I’m the black sheep, Sis.  The stain on the family name.  I think I have reached Uncle Harry’s level of infamy.”

“So that’s what Dad was going on about.  The one in every generation.  Wow.  Despite the fact you’re nothing like him.”  Then she rounded on me.  “Unless you are.  What’s really going on with you?”

I could imagine my father filling her head with nonsense.

“I simply chose a different vocation.  See the world, help solve crises before they become crises, not help criminals get away with murder.  I’m sorry if I have a conscience, and it doesn’t suit family values.  I think I’ve seen and heard enough, Eileen.  Tell them you saw me or not, I don’t care.”

It was foolish of me to think they might have changed.  They had not.  If anything, my father had succeeded in turning my siblings against me, and if that was the case, so be it.

It made it easy for me to just walk away and never see them again.

…

I was sent to Rome for my first posting.  In the briefing with the assignments officer, I was told that the handler, Jacob Weissman, was old school, a man who had a particular way of doing things, and he expected obedience.  He was also in the last year before retirement.

It was also the office with the highest turnover of agents.  The incentive to go there was that if I lasted the distance, I would be considered for a leadership role.

It wasn’t particularly high on my list of priorities; I was more interested in getting experience in the field first, and that generally took five years at least.  If you survived.

I flew to Rome on a Wednesday and was due in the office on Thursday.  I’d been to Italy and Rome before, post graduation and didn’t like it, instead staying in Florence, and getting lost in the ancient history.

The Rome post office was in a back street, cobbled roadway and ancient bricks, making the inside very cool compared to the heat outside.

There was a man in a suit sitting at a desk with a computer and, no doubt, a gun ready to shoot anyone who looked like trouble.

I gave him my letter of introduction, which was specially coded and verified by fingerprint.

He gave me a temporary pass that got me into the main office, where I was met by the administrative officer and taken to the situation room.  There, the panel was waiting.

Jacob Weissman, handler and Head of Station.

Rebecca Abernathy, Administrative Officer.

Julie Grassmier, Operations Manager.

Bethany Myers and Jack Blumenthal, the research team.

Five on one side of the table and me on the other, just like my university admissions interview.  Not a welcoming smile among them.  I had expected one or more agents to be in attendance.

Jacob opened the file he had in front of him.  It was thin, with plenty of room for additions.  It held the documents from the training camp.

“Gerald Walker.  Any relation to the Pittsburgh Walkers?”

There would be nothing about any relation to anyone in the file. The interview at the training camp made the same association, which I denied.  Different branch, distant relatives, we didn’t associate with them for obvious reasons

“We have the same surname.”

“Not the answer to the question I asked.”

I could see that Jacob and I were not going to get along.

“No.  No relation.”

I looked at the five faces in front of me, and not one was friendly.  I could see why there was such a large turnaround of agents, and how easy it could be that the first day could be the last.

Jacob looked especially unwelcoming.

“We do things differently.  We do not usually take new recruits out of the Academy, but we’re a man down and apparently you’re it.  We do not like mavericks or loners.  You will proceed to the brief.”

“As you wish.  What about liaising with the local authorities?’

“If you come in contact with them, which you should assiduously avoid at all costs, then you will come to me, and I will handle it.”

“Do they know about us?”

“They do nothing unless it is necessary.  You are expected not to put yourself in their way.  They take a very dim view of us working on their patch, so discretion is necessary.”

“Is there an assignment?”

“One is in development.  Get acquainted with Rome while you can.”

The folder closed, the interview, introduction, whatever it was, was over.  My only impression from it, Jacob was a micro-manager, and it was going to be impossible to work with.

…

From what I remember of my last visit to Rome, it had a lot of ancient sites, and we had made a point of visiting most of them.

It was a period when my sister had decided she was going to study archaeology and that her father would be happy to sponsor a dig somewhere in Egypt or Italy, preferably near the Mediterranean, so she could stay on a yacht.

Her father wasn’t particularly pleased, humoured her and like everything she did, it lasted a month or two; then he declared it boring and moved on.

She still stayed on the yacht for a few weeks with her suitably impressed friends.

I wasn’t that interested then, but this time I bought a guidebook and decided to go full on tourist.

That first day I visited the Colosseum and tried to imagine what it was like back in the days of ancient Rome and the people who had graced the seats looking down on the carnage that was supposed to be ‘games’.

Like throwing Christians to the lions.

Like Gladiators fighting to the death.

Like accidentally noticing a particular woman who was following me, or perhaps it was my overactive imagination.

It felt like the home team were putting me through a few exercises to see if they hadn’t made a mistake putting me in the field.

So the watcher became the watched.

I considered the odds of anyone even knowing that I was in Rime, and if they did, why I was there.  Unless it was mandatory for all staff passing through the embassy. An exercise to keep us on our toes.

I saw her five times, one actually looking in my direction.  She did not appear to be with anyone else, but good surveillance required more than one person and preferably a four-man rotating squad.

I moved to the city ruins not far from the Colosseum, and it appeared she had not followed me.

The next day, I visited the Trevi Fountain, and while sitting back having a cup of coffee, I found her, trying a different disguise but nonetheless easily identified to the trained eye.

She was definitely following me around.

Having planned to visit and got a ticket for the Parthenon, I took my time before heading to it in an annoyingly slow stroll that made it difficult for surveillance. 

Once outside, I waited for my moment, dodged her and went inside.  As soon as she couldn’t see me, I knew she’d follow me in.

Inside, there was nowhere to hide, so I took up a posting by some columns not far from the entrance.  Of course, my interest was not entirely taken up with the surveillance team; right now, it was in the large concrete dome that had been standing for a very long time.

Certainly a lot longer than our man-made structures.

I watched her do a circuit of the main hall and end up standing next to me.  Was it a deliberate move to unsettle me, or something else?

She knew that I knew she was following me.

That meant, as far as I could tell, she was one of the Italian police forces, the plain clothes suggesting a branch of the Carabinieri.

She looked sideways at me and had a half smile.  “You are a very interesting man, Gerard Walker.”

I shrugged.  It was a bit late to play the confused or apprehensive tourist card.  “You have me at a disadvantage.”

“As it should be.  Your handler, for want of a better description, knows the rules and yet he continually breaks them.  That would indicate he has not told you the ground rules for operating in this country.”

“Probably not, but I  have specific instructions from the people back home, which I’m sure you are aware of, of which I promised to observe “

The smile widened.  “Words, Gerald Walker, words you believe I, and my superiors want to hear.  Your predecessors went down the same path, and they did not fare well.”  She handed me a card.  “Before you launch World War Three, give me a call, and time, day or night.  You will find that cooperation with the appropriate authorities will make life for you much simpler and safer.  My compatriots sometimes shoot first, then ask questions.  Have a nice tour.”

“You should be my guide “

“I have criminals to catch and watch over errant spies.  Never a free moment.”  She sighed, then left.

To be honest, for a moment, I believed she was trouble, whether working for Italian law enforcement or not.

How could she possibly know I was in the city and what I would be doing there, unless…

Someone in the embassy told her.

Or she had more on the inside, reporting everything.  If it was, my money was on Jacob, trying to boost his retirement fund before leaving.

Working with local authorities was always part of the transparency catchphrase people like you think was a manageable option, but it wasn’t.  There were things that no one needed to know beyond the objective being achieved.  The how was almost always by any and all means available.

Using the phrase kill or be killed always seemed unpalatable, and no one, if they were not personally faced with a life or death situation, would ever understand.  I hadn’t yet, but the point was, until you are, taking a life was never a good idea.

It was described to us as the worst-case scenario.

Another was having your cover blown

Effectively, the moment she approached me, my usefulness was over.  Clandestine operations only worked if you remained clandestine.  That she and her whole department knew meant I should report it and ask for reassignment.

I had to consider that it was Jacob’s intent all along, not only for me but also for others in his group.  The question to ask was why?

…

I doubt officers back in the training establishment ever expected to hear from their graduates again, unless sent back to hone their skills or learn new skills and techniques.

I was determined to break that mould.  The problem I had was being caught out before I started.  I was not sure that had happened before, or if it had, whether it was significant, or a stain on my record.

I called a number for emergencies only.

And left a message.  Typically, there was no one on the other end.  After an hour had passed, I believed that no one really cared, that this was a test, and I was failing miserably.

Two hours later, my cell phone rang.  I was sitting in a park watching the rest of the work
I’d been getting on with their lives, and I was beginning to believe this was not what I expected or wanted.

What had happened to the other candidates before me who had found themselves in a sticky situation?

I answered with a noncommittal, “Yes?” As per protocol.

“Your mission, in case you haven’t worked it out by this time, is to find who it is that is betraying our agents to the local authorities.”

“That wasn’t explicitly expressed.”

“You have to read between the lines.  If you hadn’t come to a similar conclusion, you would not have called.  We have lost three agents in the last 12 months.  Find them.”

“The leak is not at your end?”

“No.  Handle it any way you see fit, but it stops now.  Understood?”

“Understood.”

I felt rather than saw a person sit on the other end of the bench, odd, because there were several free nearby.

A glance took in the woman who had accosted me earlier.

“No criminals to be chasing down?”

“Only errant spies.  I believe you made a call.”

I tried not to look shocked, but I was not that clever yet.

“How…”

“I’m paid to know everything, yet surprisingly often still left in the dark.  My superiors must thing is need to know, and I need to know.  You and I, I’m told, are about to become good friends.  We are seeking the same person.”

“Who are you?”

She smiled.  “I believe I am what you might call the Cheshire Cat.  She looked over at another bench where a man was sitting.

He wore a trenchcoat, smoking a pipe and reading, or pretending to read, a newspaper.

“Go over to the conspicuous man on that bench, and he will verify who I am, and give the code word your masters gave you back home.  I’ll wait.”

This was like a bad 1960s spy movie.

I shrugged.  It was either going to be an interesting assignment, or my life was over before it started.  Either way, at least I got to see the Ancient Roman Ruins.

…

©  Charles Heath  2026

Day 145 – Writing isn’t work at all…

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The Joy of the Page: Why Writing Shouldn’t Feel Like Labour

There is a famous, arguably infamous, sentiment from the poet and novelist Charles Bukowski that often sparks heated debate in writing workshops and literary circles alike:

“Writing isn’t work at all… and when people tell me how painful it is to write, I don’t understand it, because it’s just like rolling down the mountain, you know. It’s freeing. It’s enjoyable. It’s a gift and you get paid for what you want to do.”

If you’ve ever stared at a blinking cursor for three hours, wrestling with a single sentence until your temples throb, Bukowski’s words might sound like a personal insult. How can he call it “rolling down a mountain” when, for the rest of us, it feels more like pushing a boulder up it?

But perhaps it’s time to look past the provocation and see the truth hidden in his perspective.

The Difference Between “Writing” and “Editing”

The friction most writers feel isn’t usually with the act of writing itself—the creative flow, the discovery of a character’s voice, or the thrill of an idea taking shape. The pain comes from the internal critic.

When writers complain about the “pain” of writing, they are often conflating the act of creation with the act of judgment. We stop to edit, we second-guess our word choice, and we worry about the audience before the ink is even dry. Bukowski’s “rolling down the mountain” refers to the act of letting go—the pure, kinetic energy of getting the thought from the brain onto the page without stopping to check if it’s “good enough” yet.

The Gift of Expression

Bukowski’s reminder that writing is a “gift” is a powerful antidote to the burnout that comes with treating writing as a purely transactional industry.

In a world where we spend forty-plus hours a week doing things we have to do—answering emails, attending meetings, navigating logistics—writing is one of the few places where we have total agency. You are the architect, the god, and the witness of your own world. When you view writing as an escape rather than a chore, the “pain” begins to dissipate. You stop trying to force the narrative and start allowing it to move on its own.

How to Find Your Own “Mountain”

If you find yourself stuck in the “painful” phase of writing, it’s worth asking: Are you trying to roll, or are you trying to climb?

To recapture the joy Bukowski describes, try these three shifts:

1. The “Vomit” Draft: Give yourself permission to write absolute garbage. If you don’t care about the quality of the first draft, you remove the pressure to be perfect. Suddenly, the words start flowing again.
2. Separate the Hat: Keep the “Writer” and the “Editor” in different rooms. When you write, do not let your inner editor touch the keyboard. Save the critique for a later date.
3. Find the “Want”: Bukowski mentions being “paid for what you want to do.” Even if you aren’t making a living yet, reconnect with the why. Write about the things that genuinely interest you. If you are writing what you think you should write, it will always feel like work. If you write what you need to write, it becomes a release.

Final Thoughts

Writing will always require discipline, and there are days when the muse is silent. But there is a distinct difference between the healthy exhaustion of a creative sprint and the agonising frustration of a writer at war with themselves.

The next time you sit down to write, don’t try to climb the mountain. Stop trying to control the terrain, stop checking your footing, and just let yourself go. You might be surprised at how much ground you cover when you finally stop fighting the descent.

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