…

Like many who endured their school years with one endgame in mind, to get as far away as possible from those and the people in it, as soon as I completed high school, I was going to be on the first bus out.

Unlike others, there was nothing to keep in there, my father had died in the last year and my mother had moved on to a new family, and it was evident in not so many words that I was not welcome to stay.

Nor were there very many employment opportunities because like many other rural towns and cities, unless you were from an agricultural background, a tradesman, or simply wanted a dead-end job, there was little reason to stay.

Of course, there was always one minor hiccup in what could have been a perfect getaway.

Mine was called Francine Macallister.

We became friends in elementary school, not by choice but from being thrown together by circumstances.  Her parents had died in a car crash when she was twelve, and my mother, being a close friend of the family, took her in rather than let her be taken into foster care.

As an only child, I hated the fact that I had to share my parents’ affection, and then when it seemed she was given more consideration.  When we argued or fought, it was always my fault.  It seemed to me that after a while, they liked her more than me.

It was like having a real sister, and I hated her.  She was popular with the boys and often found ways to make my life difficult, and on several occasions found myself in a fight which I preferred not to be involved.  All it did was reinforce my resolve to get on that bus.

That decision to leave was not made in haste, nor was I making a leap into the unknown.

For several years, I had worked several jobs to save every cent I could because I knew I was going to need a stake in case I could not immediately find work.  I had a room lined up where I was going to stay until something better came up.

I told no one of my intentions because I didn’t want to explain why I was going, which I thought was obvious, or where I was going.  But there were people I had to deal with, and this was a small enough town for everyone to know everyone else’s business if they were that curious.

I didn’t think anyone would care

Then, finally, school was over.  I woke up that Monday morning, knowing that within hours, I would be out of this house forever.  All I had to do was contain my excitement.

I had already packed my travel bag and left it at the bus depot several days before.  When I left, it would be as if I was going down to the library to study up on work opportunities in the area, a routine I had maintained over several weeks, mostly to get out of the house, and to keep away from Francine and her friends.

At the end of the school year, everyone was home and in the dining room.  Only recently, my mother had begun a relationship with another man, a widower with three children under 10 of his own, which she seemed to end up caring for.  They were as snarky as Francine, and it forced me to move up my plans to leave.

With any luck, it was going to be the last time I saw any of them again.

Francine was dressed, ready to go out, and was eating some vegan cereal, having decided not to eat meat, and looked up as I came into the room.  I saw the others and stopped.

“You’re up late,” she said.

I wanted to be fully rested for what lay ahead.  “No need to get up until I get a job.”

“Not considering going to college?”

I’d been told there was no money for me to go to college a year or so ago and decided that I’d probably never be in a position to go.  “No.  Grades weren’t good enough.  Probably should have studied harder.”

My mother glared at me.  “That’s because you’re as useless as your father.  The quicker you get a job and can pay your way, the better.”

Thanks for the compliment, Mom.

“Exactly my thoughts.  I’m working on it.”

Francine took her plate to the sink and then came back.  “I can see you’re off to the library.  Mind if I come with you?”

It was the last thing I wanted.  She’d never bothered before, and it set off alarm bells.  And that expression on her face, she was up to something.

“Why?”  It came out blunter than I intended.

“Why not?”

“You’re not interested in getting a job.  Didn’t you say you were going to college?”

She was only going because her current boyfriend, Bradley Scott, the eldest son of the town’s hardware and agricultural machinery dealership owner, the richest family in town, was going, and she was joining him.  There was only one problem, funding.

“I might.  Bradley’s going, and he wanted me to go too.”

“Then perhaps you should be looking into college life rather than pestering me.”

“But I like pestering you.”

“Take your sister with you, Sam, and stop being an ass.”

“I hate to break it to you Mom, she’s not my sister.  Never was, and never will be.  And as much as you don’t care, she’s done nothing but make my life miserable.”

I saw the expression on Francine’s face, and oddly, I thought it was one of hurt.  It was hardly possible given the way she had treated me recently.

“That’s a terrible thing to say, Sam.”  My mother stopped what she was doing and looked at me.

“What, you think it’s been all wine and roses since she moved in?  Wow.  What planet have you been on?  You know what.  I don’t want to deal with this anymore.  You think what you like.  I’ll find a job and get out of your hair.”

That said, I walked quickly to the front door, opened it, stepped out onto the patio, and closed it behind me.  I was going to wait for the bus into town, but instead, I was so very angry. I decided to walk off my temper.

By the time I reached the next intersection, about fifty years from home I heard someone coming up behind me.

I turned to see Francine.

She was probably the only person who could derail my plans.

It would create an unnecessary problem if I ignored her, so I waited until she caught up.

“What are you doing,” I asked.  “You have never been interested in anything to do with me unless it involved Bradley and his idiot friends beating me up.”

“You hate me that much?”

“Would it matter if I did or didn’t?  You’ve detested me ever since the day my mother took you in.  Whatever life I had before that was gone and replaced with what could be described as hell on earth.  Hate isn’t a strong enough word.”

“Is that why you’re leaving town?”

I glared at her.  There was no way she could know what I was doing.

“You’re as delusional as my mother.  Go home and figure new ways to make me miserable.”

I walked off, hoping she’d get the message.

Of course, she didn’t.

“Angie’s mother works at the bus depot.  She said you got a ticket to New York.  Didn’t say when you were going, but I’m guessing it’s soon.”

I shook my head.  Of course, Francine would know someone with a mother who pried into other people’s business.  They probably had a meeting of busybodies every Wednesday at city hall.

“Where would I get the notion I could do anything that smart or have the money.  You heard my mother, I’m a good for nothing. You’ve even said so yourself.  If anyone was leaving this dump, it would be Bradley and you.  Prom Queen and King.  You were ordained as the couple who were most likely to succeed.”

It came as no surprise that she and Bradley were given the money his father donated to the school.

She grabbed my shoulder and stopped me.

“You know, I’ve always had a notion that you liked me, Sam.  I could never work out why you always simply ignored me.  Just now, I can see why.  If nothing had happened to my parents, we might have become more than friends over time.  What you said back home, that the day I moved in it was the day your life ended.  You meant your life with me, didn’t you?”

I had worked so hard to suppress any feelings I had for her.  It would have seemed utterly wrong to suggest that I had.  In a sense, she was right.  Until the day she moved in, our lives together had been perfect.  Now, it was reduced to just watching her make a fool of herself with others.

“It doesn’t matter what you think I think or thought or cared about.  You have a life.  I have a version of purgatory.  I can’t live in that house, and my mother has made it perfectly clear. I’m not wanted with that new gaggle she’s invited in.  Sleeping rough in the park is infinitely more preferable.”

“I treated you badly because I didn’t think you liked me anymore.  I just suffered the loss of my parents, and then I lost my best friend in the world. Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“You know why.”

“We’re not related like you said.  I was never your sister, and I never will be.”

“It’s not how the busybodies of this place will see it.  You should be concentrating on landing the town’s biggest fish.  He had rough edges, but I’m sure time and a big stick will sort them out.  Now, whatever you think this was, it wasn’t.  Go home, be happy.  Forget I ever existed.  My mother has.”

“You’re wrong.  About a lot of things.  But whatever.  I won’t tell anyone.  I don’t want to part ways with you thinking I’m the worst thing that ever happened to you.”

With that, she turned and headed back home.

At least she had one to go to.

I nearly changed my mind a dozen times during the day.

I spent a lot of time going over the words of that last conversation and realised that, at the time, I had been so wrapped up in my own self-pity that I hadn’t really listened.

Then, in a moment of clarity, I realised she said she believed I liked her? But was that at the beginning, during, or at the end? Certainly, I had been very much in love with her by the time she arrived at our house and at a time when I had been hoping it might go further.

The thing is, I had always liked her, but I never dared to tell her how I felt.  That I was planning to do, and that’s when timing became my enemy.  It was just before her parents had died.

It was that first brash moment of our teens when feelings ran high and every little nuance of a relationship could cause instant joy or utter despair.  I had the feeling she felt the same as I did and was going to tell her.

Then, it all fell apart.

When she moved in, my instant joy quite literally turned to utter despair.  There was no possible way  I could ever contemplate a romantic relationship with the girl that everyone labelled my sister.

Society’s expectations did not include a romantic relationship between a brother and sister even if we were quite clearly not.

So, we became another of society’s expectations between a brother and sister. We began to fight like cats and dogs.

At first, I thought she was surprised, but my recollection of that time was scant because I was battling a broken heart and another of those teenage angst, getting through teens and being bullied at school.

Whatever happened, I did what I had to to keep the thoughts of her out of my head.  I tried being the brother I thought she would expect to want and instead found her finding ways to make my life miserable.  What was the saying? No good deed goes unpunished.

It didn’t matter in the end, whether I liked her or not or whether she liked me, which I seriously doubted.  I couldn’t wait to get on that bus and leave town.  Forever.

That walk from the library to the bus depot was the longest of my life.  Still, the thoughts were swirling about the effect it would have on my mother and perhaps Francine. I was still telling myself neither cared what happened to me.

But what was worse, with everything that had happened in the last 24 hours, she was once again in my thoughts in a way she shouldn’t be.  I had to get my head in the right space. Otherwise, I was going to be just as miserable. Only the view out the window would be different.

I picked a night when there would be more activity at the bus depot because being the only person I would stand out. 

I was planning to leave unnoticed, and so far, half a dozen other passengers were sitting along the seats.  One thing I’d noticed every time I’d come to check it out, no one came to see anyone off and rarely was anyone there to greet arrivals.

Perhaps no one cared if you left and perhaps arrivals didn’t want people to know they’ve returned.  Whatever the reasons, it suited my stealthy departure.

My thoughts were interrupted by an announcement that the bus was running ten minutes late, then by another passenger who was leaving, sitting two seats up from me.

I turned to glance in her direction and recognised her immediately.  Francine.

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same question.”

“I’m leaving this town.  There’s nothing here for me anymore.”

“You have a family, a home, and people who care about you.”

I gave her my best, incredulous look.  “What planet are you from, and what have you done with the real Francine?”

“Why are you really leaving?”

“It doesn’t matter.  Go home and forget about me.”

It was her turn to look incredulously at me.  “That would be difficult, Sam.  Had you asked me this morning how I felt about you, we might not be here.”

“It would not.  No matter what I feel or what you feel, it can’t be.”

“Because we’re brother and sister.  Even though this morning, I was never your sister. I wondered about that statement and initially thought it meant that I’d never acted like one, even though I know you tried to be a brother.  Then I realised, later, what you meant.  We had been friends before I moved in.  I had hopes that we might be special friends, I liked you that much, and perhaps at that time, it was the first pangs of love.  I thought you felt the same.

“I was disappointed that events turned out the way they did, but it was better than going into the foster system.  It ruined any chance we had of taking our relationship further.  Bradley used to say that you were in love with me. I think you came to the conclusion, that our new situation would never allow our feelings for each other, long before that, simply because we were, in his and everyone else’s eyes, brother and sister.

“You were right, of course.  We’re not.  It was the reason why I stayed within the foster system and kept my name.  I refused to be adopted or change my name to yours.  I had this silly notion that eventually you’d get out of your funk, and we could run away together.  I wanted to leave too, but like you, I couldn’t until I was eighteen.

“Well, this morning I told your mother I was leaving.  I thanked her for the five years she put up with me.  She asked if you were going with me?  It was a curious question, and I said no.  She simply shrugged and handed me an envelope with a bus ticket and an address where I could find a friend of hers.  The ticket is for this bus.  Your bus.  And I suspect the friend’s address is yours.  Your mother is no fool, Sam.  She’s known the anguish you’ve suffered. Once I realised how much you loved me, the last five years made complete sense.

“You could have told me at any time.  You might have saved yourself a lot of anguish.  But men are all the same, trying to be the strong, uncomplaining silent type.” She shook her head.  “You’d better be a lot more communicative from now on.”

She stood and held out her hand.  The bus was pulling into the bay.  Three others getting on were moving towards the gate.

I took it in mine, and all the grief of the last five years melted away.  She smiled that beautiful smile that could light up a room and a smile that had been missing for so long.  A tear ran down her left cheek.

“And don’t ever make me give another of those speeches ever again.  Ever, you hear.”

“I promise. Hey, what about Bradley.  You two seemed very cosy together.”

“That.  That was just to make you mad.  It seemed it worked almost too well.”

“Then don’t do it again.”

“I won’t.  I promise.”

The ticket collector was waiting impatiently by the door waiting for us.  We crossed to the door, gave him the tickets which he punched, and then got on the bus.

There were two seats side by side about the middle.  She sat in the window seat, not that there would be much to see.  I got comfortable and then took her hand in mine.  She smiled when I looked at her. 

“Ready?”

“I am.”

She squeezed my hand, the door closed, and the bus moved away from the bay.  For better or worse, we were on our way.  A last glance back, I momentarily wondered if either of us would ever come back.

One day, maybe.

…

…

What’s the worst thing that could happen?

Yes, I was one of those nervous fliers, professing more than once that if God had meant us to fly, he would have given us wings.

You can imagine the response that got after repeated quotations on just how safe flying was.  I agree.  Based on statistics, flying was safer than driving, and I didn’t fear driving.

Go figure?

So, for years, I avoided planes, and took trains, and ships.  I was wealthy enough and had the time to take ships when I wanted to travel to other countries.  It was a more serene method of travel, but these days, everyone was in a hurry.

Everyone.

Now, it seemed I had to be as well.  It was a day I knew would come one day. 

I had avoided the idea of getting married for a long time, telling myself I would never find someone who would understand the foibles I carried as baggage.  Most could not believe a grown man could be so afraid of something like travelling in an aeroplane.

Annabel was different.  She was not in a hurry either.  She loved travelling in ships, taking our time to go anywhere and everywhere.  It was her idea that we should have our own ship.  We were working on it.

But, truth be told, she did not fear flying and travelled frequently for business.  I preferred the train.

Annabel originally came from Italy and had left her family behind when she came to America to work, and then live. She hadn’t expected to meet me or anyone else, let alone get married.  And because I wanted to please her, I agreed that it should happen in her hometown in Italy.

What was the problem, you ask.

Well, to start with, there wasn’t.  There was plenty of time to get there before the wedding, travelling in the usual manner.  Then her father got sick and sicker until it was discovered he had stage four cancer.

Wedding plans had to be moved up so that, as a final deathbed request, he would be able to walk his only daughter down the aisle.

All we had to do was fly over.

Simple.

I had a plan. It was a simple one.  Fly first class, take a sedative that would put me to sleep and hopefully wake up on the ground on the other side.

After all, I would do anything for Annabel.

The day arrived.  I was nervous, yes, but not overly worried.  We boarded the plane, had a glass of champagne, and just as the plane was taxiing to the runway, I closed my eyes, and everything faded into black

My last memory was of Annabel holding my hand and telling me she would see me in Italy.

When I woke, it was uncharacteristically cold.  There was a loud whooshing sound coming from behind us just about drowned out by a screaming sound of metal on metal.

For a moment, I thought I was in an SUV driving over a very rough road, such was the pronounced jerking movements.

I looked sideways, and first, I noticed Annabel, unquestionably terrified.  Second, I realised we were on the aeroplane, almost in darkness, and something had gone horribly wrong.

It was only seconds before Annabel realised, I was awake, and she turned to me.  She had been crying and tears were in her eyes.

“I’m so, so sorry.”

“What happened?”

She looked quizzically at me, and I realised I would have to speak louder.

I leaned closer.  “What happened?”

“Of all the flights, on any day, we had to take on board a hijacker.”

“Hijacker?”

I thought that measures had been taken to prevent this from happening. 

“He said he had a bomb, and if the pilot didn’t redirect the plane to some obscure place in Africa, he would detonate it.  The pilot refused, and we’re now in the middle of a nightmare.”

It didn’t take much to realize what happened.  The pilot called his bluff, he exploded the bomb, and at 30,000 feet, the result was almost catastrophic.  I looked back and could see a hole in the side of the plane, and through the windows, smoke pouring from one of the engines.

Given the jerkiness of the flight path, there was damage to the controls, and the pilot was using the engines to fly as straight as possible, slowly because of the stress on the frame and the damaged engine.  Another glance showed we were not far from the water, so the plane was down low enough not to need pressurisation.

I did a mental calculation for time elapsed, and I was expecting to wake up eight and a half hours after dropping off to sleep.  I was awake, and we were not there.

“How long have we been like this?”

“Six hours.  We’re flying at about 160 knots, and the last advice from the pilot was that we were heading to Vigo in Spain and,” she looked at her watch, “we have about six hours before we get there.”

There was no chance I could go back to sleep and wake up on the ground.  What was surprising was how calm I felt.

I had nothing to say, and perhaps she had mistaken my silence for anger or annoyance at her insistence we fly and assurances of how safe it was.

I wasn’t annoyed or angry.  Perhaps it was fate.

“Say something, anything.”

I smiled, though it was hard to project confidence that everything would be fine. Perhaps, if I did, she might get the wrong idea that I had simply given up.  The truth was I had no control over what happened, and there was no point getting upset over what you couldn’t do anything about.

“It’s not your fault.”

“If I hadn’t…”

I squeezed her hand.  “You’re here, now with me, and if anything happens, we will go through it together.  I believe the pilot doesn’t want to die any more than any of us on this plane, and he will do everything he can to make sure we survive.”

I leaned back in the seat.  With the blanket, it was still reasonably cold, but at least we were not moving through a storm.  That would have been a lot harder to weather.  As it was, the noise was bad enough.  I was still tired from the sedative, and listening to Annabel telling me what we were going to do when we got off the plane, lulled me back to sleep.

My last thought was that I’d had the life I had never expected to have.  Annabel had always been the one, but I never dared to ask her out.  Instead, I watched from afar as her life took many twists and turns until I accidentally ran into her.

I smiled at the thought.  If only I’d seen what was in front of me.  I finally did.

I opened my eyes just as the wheels hit the runways, slightly harder than I expected for such a large aircraft.  I’d heard that one couldn’t feel the take-off or the landing.

Annabel was smiling.

“We made it?”

“Of course, we did.”

It was then I realised that there was no noise, and looking around, no hole.

“No hijacker. Or a bomb going off?”

“What are you talking about?”

I sighed.  “A bad dream.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry.  We’re on solid ground, and nothing happened.  Thank you for doing this.”

“There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.  You know that.”

“Of course.”

She leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek, and a second later, there was a huge explosion.

…

…

Bad things happen to good people.

It was the mantra my mother used all the time to lament our bad luck; that it was always someone else’s fault.

Like the family cutting her off when she married my father, like when my father left when my brother and I were very young, like my mother’s choice of partners after he left.

Like when our mother died, we were sent to the orphanage.  Like when I was allotted to a family and my brother was kept in the orphanage because of his so-called bad behaviour.

I was probably too young to understand because he had been his normal self to me, except perhaps when he was protecting me from other children, and some of the supervisors, but that was what big brothers did.  I wanted to stay with him, but he told me to go, to get away as far as I could, and never look back.

He promised he could come and find me sooner rather than later, and I trusted him.

But for some reason, I did not hear from him again. He did not answer my letters, and twice I tried to go back to the orphanage, only to be taken home again.  My foster parents, as nice as they were, refused to take me there, but in the end, they agreed to send someone to investigate.

Many months later, they showed me a letter from the head of the orphanage advising that Jake, my brother, had found a suitable situation with a family on the other side of the country.  No other details were forthcoming, just that he was no longer there.

It didn’t seem right, but as a twelve-year-old there was little I could do, and although my foster parents were sympathetic and said they would do what they could to find out more, they hired a private detective to see what he could find; and after a year, the report had very little detail, he had simply disappeared. He said, as time passed, the trail, as they called it, had gone cold.

A dozen more years passed and although I hadn’t forgotten Jake, I told myself he had been as lucky as I was, in a home where he was loved and treated with kindness, something that had been lacking in the orphanage. 

But in that time, memories of what happened during that time I was there came back, memories that I was too young at the time to process, memories that pointed to what could only be described as a house of horrors.

When the psychiatrist I’d been seeing had worked out exactly what had happened to me, he had alerted the police to what was happening there.  It wasn’t a revelation that I was not the only child that had been put through hell.

But by the time everyone realised what that place was, it was too late.

I did my time at school, followed in the footsteps of my adoptive parents by studying law, and came out the other end with offers from some very prestigious law firms.

I spoke to the one I wanted to accept, advising them there would be one condition that I wanted to find my brother.  They set a limit of three months, and I believed, at that time, it would take less.

That was until I arrived in the town where the orphanage was located and discovered it was now a city, and worse still, where there was once a church, orphanage and farm, it was now the site of a half-finished shopping mall, and there was nothing left behind.

One of the foremen saw me standing near the gate and came over.

“Can I help you?”

“There used to be an orphanage and church here?”

“They pulled it down a year ago.  Property developers snapped it up, and we’re building a shopping mall and a thousand houses, give or take.”

“Where did the records go?”

He shrugged.  “I just build stuff.  What happens before I get here is someone else’s problem.  I did hear a rumour bad stuff went on here, and the state shut it down a few years back.  Perhaps you should go to the county records office and talk to them.  They’d know more.”

“Thanks.”

When I didn’t move and stood there with glistening eyes reliving a bad moment, he asked, “What’s your interest in this place?  Are you a reporter?  There’s been a few over the last month or so.”

I shook off the memory and looked at him, “My brother and I were sent here.  They found us homes to go to but not the same one.  I’m trying to find him.”

He didn’t answer, and I got the feeling he knew more about what happened here but was reluctant to talk about it.  He walked off, and I got out of the way of a cement truck, one of three that had passed through the gates while I’d been there.

I spent a few minutes staring at where the main orphanage building had been, and the memories that had laid dormant for many years suddenly came flooding back. I shuddered. This place was cursed.

He’d mentioned reporters, and they only came when there was news.  My first stop should be the newspaper office.  They’d know the story of what happened.

The sign across the top of the large window said, ‘The Sentinel’, and I got the feeling something was missing.  The city name, perhaps.  A shopfront could not be the home of such a newspaper, but perhaps in the internet age, papers had lost their dominance.

I know I read my news from my cell phone.

I had also considered running a search on the orphanage but when it came back with several billion hits, I thought it better to see if I could find someone with first-hand knowledge.

Then, finally, in the place where I could get some answers, there was something about the truth I didn’t think I wanted to know.  It was what was stopping me from going through that door because deep down, I knew whatever I learned, it was not going to be good.

For a while now, after I discovered some of the stuff that went on in that place, I think deep down I knew that Jake didn’t survive, that Jake being Jake, he would have put himself in harm’s way to save someone who was not able to help themselves as he had done for me.

And I was here, now, because of him.

Again, someone noticed I was hanging around outside, and instead of calling the police, they came out to ask if I had a problem.

I didn’t but I said I wanted some information.

Inside, it looked nothing like what I imagined a newspaper office would look like, just a half dozen people sitting at desks, and one of three offices with a man in shirt sleeves and a harassed look.

The person who came out was Naomi. She was the events reporter.  She took me to a desk that had the name Robert Rand. He was, she said, the investigative reporter and worked on the orphanage story.  He was just out doing the coffee run.  Five minutes later he came back.  It was a face that seemed familiar.  He was not much older than I was,

He stood in front of me for a minute, then said, “You’re Jake’s little brother, aren’t you?”

And then I saw a tear in his eyes.

“Are you alright?”

“No.  But I will be.  Look, give me a minute to sort out the work, and we can talk in the meeting room.  I won’t be long.” 

He pointed to the room and I walked over and sat down.  I was in two minds whether I wanted to know the truth, and in the end, I decided to let him tell me what he wanted.

 He was more composed when he finally joined me.  “He was our hero, nnn.  I was so glad he got you out of there.  He saved at least fifty of us and if you like, I can put you in touch with all of them.  They would be so grateful to meet you.  It’s sort of like a survivor’s club.”

“I would like that, yes.  These people knew my brother?”

“We did.  He knew what those people were doing, and he fought them, at great cost to himself.  One by one, he got us out of there, and when we eventually convinced the authorities about the bad things that were happening, he was gone.  We were told he had been sent away in a placement, but we believed he was killed, the fate of quite a few others who fought back, and buried somewhere on that plot.  No one is quite sure what happened, it was so hectic in the last few months, certainly, once the police started investigating, all of the children, some two hundred and thirty were transferred out and the place shut down.”

“Does anyone have the records?”

“They tried to burn everything, but we managed to rescue a lot of the paperwork.  Enough to find out that at least four thousand children went through that place, nearly a thousand simply disappeared, another thousand placed, and the rest were molested, some quite horrifically.  And it wasn’t just the priests who were the perpetrators, some of the staff, the townspeople who worked there, were just as bad, people you would not expect.  This place will never be the same.  Not for us, anyway.  How did you go after you left?”

“I had the two best foster parents a child could get.  I was lucky.  I wanted to know what happened to Jake, they tried to find out, but they couldn’t.  Not even a private detective had any luck.”

“No one could.  They had everyone on their side, either paying them off or admitting them to their inner circle.  At first, no one would believe us, you know, who would believe a child over a grown responsible adult?  It was how they got away with it.  Then as more and more children came forward, they had to believe us.”

I came back to the part of the conversation where he said he believed Jake might be buried there.  “Who would know?”

“The head priest, Father Wollmer.  He was the worst of them all.  He knows where the bodies are buried, but he’ll never tell.”

“Is he still alive?”

“Yes.  In the county jail, maximum security.  And away from the other prisoners.  They would kill him if they saw him.  Even the other prisons, no matter how bad they are, do not like people like him.”

“Do you think I would be able to see him?”

“You don’t want to.  He is evil personified, nnnn.  The devil incarnate, the prosecutor said.  He had an excuse and a reason for everything he did. The Lord’s work was his excuse, over and over, and he honestly believed he did nothing wrong.”

“Just the same, I would like to see him.”

“I’ll see what I can do, but don’t get your hopes up. I doubt they’ll let one of his victims in to see him.”

Three weeks later, after several court appearances, and many hurdles crossed, not the least of which were put up by the priest himself, I found myself sitting in a room with a lawyer on one side and Rober Rand on the other.

This was going to be an interesting follow-up story, though it had the potential of being very distressing all over again for both of us.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel, or react to seeing that monster again, and continually told myself it was all about Jake, that my feelings or hatred or disgust was not to get in the way of finding out where he was.

We waited a half hour and then following several thunks of locks being opened and the squeaking of an opening door, the man I had come to dread came into the room.

He was no longer the figure in my nightmares; he was just this dishevelled old man who was nothing like the man he once pretended to be.  No cassock, just ill-fitting prison clothes, battered and bruised.  He looked like he’d been hit by a bus.

He was basically dragged to the chair and shoved into it.  Both guards stood on either side of him.

His head was bowed, not looking at me.  Nor had he, other than a brief glance, to see who it was.

“You can continue to ignore me, but I’m not going anywhere until you tell me where my brother is.”

A mousy little voice returned, “I have no idea who you are talking about.”

“Look at me,” I said with a calmness that belied what I was feeling.

I could feel the anger building in me, and I knew I had to quell it.  I wanted to get out of my chair, go over to him, and just keep hitting him over and over and over.

He didn’t lift his head, so one of the guards grabbed him by the hair and jerked his head up.  “Look at him, or there will be consequences.”

The so-called priest opened his eyes and looked at me.

“You know exactly who I am.  I know who you are and what you did to me and others until Jake stopped you.  What did you do to him?”

“I sent him away.”

“You did not,”  Robert spoke.  “I was there too.  A dozen of us know you punished him when he tried to help us, that you held him up as an example of what we should not be doing, but you never sent him away.”

“He was a troublemaker.  He needed to be punished.”

“Where is he?” I asked again.

He just stared at me with a look of defiance.  He knew exactly what I was asking.  He knew where the bodies were buried.

I looked at one of the guards.  “I know that look.  I spent enough time with this animal to know everything there is to know.  He trusted me with his secrets.”

His head shot up and glared at me.  “You know nothing.”

Bad dreams or nightmares of not only the awful things he did to me and others, but there were also times when he fell asleep before sending us back to our dormitories.

I got as far away as I could, hiding in a corner where I couldn’t see him.  But it came to be not so much about seeing him, about what he did to us. It was having his voice in our heads, hearing him talk in his sleep.

It was where, over time, I and others learned about a tormented childhood, the hold his mother had over him, and what she put him through.  It was exactly what he did to us.  It was not an excuse, it was not a reason for that behaviour, it was like it was ingrained into his soul and done without thought of consequences.

Because I was too young at the time, a lot of it made no sense at the time, but when I grew up and the nightmares returned, so did the whole story.  Everything he had done he had done for his mother, and she was out there enjoying her life of luxury off the backs of us children.

“I know everything.  And I’m going to give you one chance to tell me where Jake is.  Otherwise, I will go to the authorities and tell them the whole story, and particularly that of Isobel Mackenzie.  It’s the one name that never came up in the investigation.  You can’t protect her.”

It got the reaction I wanted.  He tried very hard to get out of that chair and get me, with such ferocity and screaming the foulest language about what he’d do to me when he clothes his hands on me, the guards had to virtually beat him back down on the chair.

It scared the hell out of me and Robert.

I waited until he was quiet and then asked, “Where is Jake?””

After a minute, he lifted his head and looked at me.  He was deranged, there was no question about it, and to me, it looked like the demon had taken over his body and mind.

“He’s in a place where you will never find him.  He’s with Mary Magdalene now, who has forgiven his sins, and he is now and will forever be resting in peace.  As for anything else you think you might know, you don’t, and it’s not a path you want to take.  Your brother gave up his freedom and his life to save you, Nnnn, don’t throw away that gift.  No go, and never come back.  I will answer no more of your questions, now or ever.”

And that was basically it.  He didn’t answer any more questions.  He didn’t do much of anything after that final speech because the exertion of trying to get to me had caused him to have a stroke, and three days later, he died.

It didn’t give me closure when I was told of his passing.  There was no absolution, there was no forgiveness, and my only thought was that he should now be in a special kind of hell for all eternity.

It didn’t get me any further in my quest, and having hit a brick wall, it was time to go back home, get myself together, and concentrate on living the rest of my life.

The psychiatrist had continually emphasised that I had to concentrate on moving on from the past and not let that define who I was.  It was now all about the future.  What made it hard was not knowing what happened to Jake or where he was now.

Woolmer had said he was dead.  I had to believe him.  I had to believe he was in a better place, and I would put in a prayer for him every night.

Bags packed. I had one last stop before getting on the bus.  I wanted to say goodbye to Robert and thank him for all of his help.  He was going to give me the names of other victims so we could talk because, for him and a lot of other victims, it was part of the healing process.

He was at his desk when I arrived, looking at photographs of the orphanage grounds.  I was standing behind him as he slowly scrolled through them, a historical montage of hell on earth.

Some would argue that it would be better if they were destroyed so that they could not remind people of the terrible events that had taken place there.  I would argue that the world needed to be reminded that this was only the tip of the iceberg.

Whatever it was, for a few minutes, it took me back, and for once, it did not reduce me to a quivering emotional mess.  I was stronger now, a survivor, and one of the lucky people.  There were a lot who got past the horror.

Then I noticed the hedge.  We all thought that hedge was part of the wall that surrounded the property, with a single gate, one we had thought might be the route to freedom.

No one had gotten it open, and no one had ever seen it open.  No one knew what was on the other side.  Once we went into the orphanage, we never left unless we were placed in a foster home.

“Did anyone find out what was on the other side?” I asked.

“As a matter of fact, yes.  A garden.  It had a fountain with a statue in the middle, and going out in concentric circles, rose and flower beds, and lawn pathways.  It was quite large.”

He showed the next three photographs of the garden that had fallen into disrepair s lot of the roses overgrown and the lawns just tall weeds.

The fountain was broken and slimy and the statue covered over with ivy.  The next two were after someone had cleared away the overgrowth and it showed the statue to be that of a woman.

Then Robert simply said, “Fuck,” which seemed to me to be an entirely inappropriate response.  “You know who that is, that statue.  They were always banging in about the mother of Jesus.  Mary Magdalene.  That’s a statue of Mary Magdalene.”

And in that exact moment, we both know the significance of what Woolmer had said, believing that the development company would have bulldozed everything and therefore erased it from memory.  It was probably one of the conditions of sale.

“The rose bushes were markers.  Buried under the careful watch of Mary Magdalene.”

I did not make a friend with the construction supervisor because the moment Robert spoke to the sheriff, all work stopped on the site.

The garden was now a carpark, one of the first parts of the site to be completed, where the site officers were located, and the workers parked their cars.

The garden site was painstakingly measured our and then the concrete was removed.  Then, the forensic archaeologists moved in, and over the next six months, the bones of 146 children and 45 adults were found, one of whom was identified as Jake through a DNA match.  He had been dead for at least five years.

A year after that, he was given a proper burial after a service that was attended by nearly 400 of the victims all of whom knew him or knew of him, a lot thankful that he had sacrificed so much that they may live.

I was reminded at the end that bad things happened to good people, but the memory of their deeds will live on forever.

In contrast, bad things also happened to bad people, and in their case, no one cared what happened to them.  Woolmer disappeared, no one knew where the body was buried, and no one cared. 

…