…

The email I received said:

“Go to Newark airport, go to the United booking desk and give them your name.  Take proof of identity.  Pack for five days, light.”

It was going to be, supposedly, a magical mystery tour.  I read in a travel magazine that a company offered five-day inclusive trips to anywhere.  You do not get the destination, just what to take.  Then, just be prepared for anything.

I paid the money and waited until last evening when the email came.

I was ready.

When I presented my credentials as requested, I found myself going to Venice, Italy, a place I had never been before.

When I looked it up, it said it took about 10 hours to get there with one stop in between.  Enough time to read up on the many places to go and see, though according to the instructions, everything had been arranged in advance.

I could also take the time to brush up on my schoolboy Italian.

When I got off the plane at Marco Polo airport, in Venice, it was mid-morning, but an hour or so was lost going through immigration and customs.  A water taxi was waiting to take me to a hotel where I would receive further instructions.  I was hoping it would be on or overlooking the Grand Canal.

At the airport, I wondered if there was going to be anyone else on this trip or whether I would be doing it alone.  I’d read that sometimes like-minded people were put together for a shared experience.

We had to agree and then fill out an extensive profile so they could appropriately match people.  Sometimes, people join at different times along the way. You just never knew what was going to happen.

That random unpredictability was just what I needed, having just gone through a breakup after a long period of peacefulness and stability, and frankly, I would not have chosen this type of tour if I had not.

It was a pleasant half hour or so winding our way through the canals, having paid the driver extra to take a long route.  I’d not been to Venice before, but I had read about it, and while some of the negative comments were true, it didn’t diminish the place in my eyes.

And the hotel, on its own island overlooking the main canal, was stylish and elegant, and my room was exactly where I’d hoped it would be.  I think I spent the next hour just looking out at the city and the boats going by, like a freeway, a never-ending stream of traffic.

A knock on the door interrupted what might have been described as a dream.

On the other side of the door was a smartly dressed youngish lady in a uniform of sorts, who looked like a summer day.

“Mr Benson, my name is Conchetta, and I will be your guide for tomorrow.  I am delivering a folder with the places we will be going for your perusal.”  It was the most exquisite, accented English I’d ever heard and just wanted to hear more.

She handed me the folder with a smile.  “Until tomorrow.”

And left me wondering what just happened.

…

The next morning I went downstairs to the restaurant where breakfast was served and found a wide variety of different items that could serve any number of different tastes.

Mine ran to cereal, followed by bacon and eggs on last to fruit and coffee.

I brought a newspaper down with me, mostly to practise my very bad Italian, and had set it to one side after finding a table.

A waiter came and filled my cup with coffee, black, no sugar, my preferred type for breakfast.  Then it was simply a matter of watching the other people come and go.

Ten or fifteen minutes passed with the usual arrivals, and being the peak time, there was a wait.  Except some people who thought they were more privileged than others and pushed forward.

I’d seen the particular gentleman the previous evening when he checked in and was making a point about having booked the best room in the house, a statement I last heard in an old Hollywood movie.  Mr J. Dexter Pierpoint.

Now it seemed he was too important to wait in line, virtually shoving a woman ahead of him out of the way.  The staff at the door were trying to deal with him, and the melee had attracted everyone’s attention.

Meanwhile, in what had to be karma, the lady was shown in without having her room checked, a privilege she thanked them for.

It took five minutes to get Mr J. Dexter Pierpoint under control, by which time my attention came back to the lady.  It might not have except she was standing next to my table, looking for somewhere to sit.

“If you can put up with a much less boisterous American, you may want to sit here.  I do not take up much room.”

She turned slightly to see who was addressing her and then smiled.

“I have nothing against Americans, well, perhaps just one.”  She inclined her head lightly to give me a second look over, perhaps trying to decide whether to accept the offer.  “Thank you.”

She sat.  Her breakfast was healthy.  Muesli, I think, and multigrain bread.  She had the appearance of someone who looked after themselves, a few years younger than me, but at a guess, recently retired, either a schoolteacher or librarian.

Of course, she could equally be a top MI6 agent because all I knew about her was that she had a British accent.

“I apologise for my fellow citizens’ brashness.  It seems an element of our people seem to think the world owes them a favour.  I do not.”

“You don’t need to.  It just seems like the world has gone crazy.  I hope it’s not in the water.”

She had a look on her face, one that made it impossible to tell if she was serious or not.

“Do you talk over breakfast, or should I sit in companionable silence?” Best to find out if she’s a talker or a quiet one so that I could not be construed as ruining it one way or the other.

“You mean you want to interrogate me?”

“I rather think it might be the other way around.”

“What would you do if I were not here?”

The waiter came with coffee, but she was a tea drinker.  There was no surprise there.

“Go back to studying the room and its inhabitants, hazarding guesses about who and what they are.”

“For what reason?”

“So that people think I have a purpose being here.”

“Do you?”

Another waiter delivered a pot of tea.  I could see the tag sticking out of the top.  English Breakfast.

“Not really.  It’s the first morning of a tour, Venice is the first stop.”

“But that is a reason is it not?  You’re on holiday, or as the Americans call it, vacation.”

“I have another name for it, but that’s a long story you don’t want to hear.  My name, by the way, is Jay, named after Jay Gatsby of the F Scott Fitzgerald novel.  My mother was an avid reader.”

It elicited a smile.  “I gather you get that comparison a lot.”

“Yes.  It’s better to get it out of the way and move on.”

“I am Millie, short for Millicent to which I refuse to answer if you use it.  There is no relation to any character in any book that I know of.  My mother didn’t read books, just magazines.”

She poured some tea out of the pot into her cup and stirred it for about a minute, then took a sip.  It looked quite dark, which meant strong.  I preferred tea weaker.

She looked around at the hustle and bustle, taking a moment to look at each person, and then came back to me.

“What category did you put me into?”

I looked at her, having switched from bemused to something else.  Was it a challenge, and if I didn’t get it right, she’d lob a breakfast roll in my direction.

“Is that the same category of question; do I have a death wish?”

There was, all of a sudden, a hint of laughter in those blue eyes.  I suspect once upon a time she was a very beautiful blonde.  Still was very attractive, though I told myself I was not here to pass judgment.

“Death wish it is.  Retired schoolteacher or librarian.  Or just for something different, a top spy for MI6.”  There, it was said.

She laughed outright.  “I’ll own up to the librarian.  As for the rest, possibly a dream I had once.  Now, about you?  Let me guess, a retired executive of a multinational company.”

I guess I had the look.  I was not in a suit this morning, I had dressed down to a tie, vest, and jacket.

“Close.  My family has owned a shipping company for a century or so, starting with one ship, and now, it’s so successful that they don’t need me.  Someone suggested I take a world tour.”

“By yourself?”

“My wife died about five years back, and I thought I found someone else, but it didn’t work out.  I think I still hadn’t got over Ellen.”

“It’s hard.  My William passed two years back.  I miss him but I have to move on, so I’m told.”

She looked up, and I could see a young girl, late teens perhaps, searching the room and then stopping at Millie.

“Oh, dear.  She found me.”

“Your granddaughter, I presume?”

“My son didn’t like the idea of me visiting Italy alone.  Had this strange idea I might be taken by a fancy young Italian boy.  She’s here as his spy.  Apparently, she speaks fluent Italian.”

“And perfectly capable of fending off the would-be Italian Romeo’s.”

“That too.” She stood.  “Thanks for offering me a seat.  We may or may not run into each other again, but it was interesting.”

Another smile, and she was gone.

The first day, and I’d already said more to a stranger than I had in years.  I hadn’t realised that my life had got so boring or that I had so irrevocably wrapped myself up in my job that I’d missed everything else going on around me.

Perhaps that was why my last relationship failed.

Perhaps that’s why my children had practically forced me into getting away from everything, what Harry, my eldest son had said, “Take the time to wake up and smell the roses.”

I saw Conchetta, the guide appear in the doorway, and realised it was my cue.  The first day, quite literally, of the rest of my life.

…

©  Charles Heath  2024

…

…

Some coincidences could never be explained.

It wasn’t long after Janine had died that I was sent out of the room while the hospital staff did whatever they did after a patient died.  I was by the nursing station, and two were talking.

“You wouldn’t believe it.  just as one patient died, the other came out of her coma.  The exact second.  It had to be divine intervention or something.”

I didn’t ask, but I could guess.  I walked up the passage to Margaret’s room and looked in the door.  She was awake.  Well, her eyes were open, and she didn’t look like she was in a coma, but I wasn’t a doctor.

But I had to wonder if there was a connection between the two events.

Those last few days with Janine were impossible.  I don’t know if she realised the pain she caused me in making those baseless accusations or not, and I could only put it down to the medications the doctors had her on.

She was certainly not her usual self.

Something that did come out of it, not that she had intended it, or that I had consciously thought about it until now, was what would have happened to Margaret if she had not recovered.

I’d noticed that there was no next of kin on her paperwork, which meant that she might have died and just been cremated or just would have disappeared.

No one deserved that fate.

It was only a fleeting thought because the moment the hospital staff had completed their work, the administrator arrived and wanted to know what I was going to do.  Whilst sympathetic to my loss, they still had a hospital to run and a bed to free up for the next patient.

That meant for the next few days I was tied up with arranging funerals and organising the three children who had been on a rotating cycle of being with her at the hospital, and then altogether at the funeral, a feat only manageable at Christmas.

They stayed just long enough to see if there was anything to inherit and when they realised it was all passed to me, asked me if I would be OK, each said they were willing to stay if I needed them but were on the next plane out when I said I didn’t.

Perhaps I would see them again at Christmas.

I know the day after the last child left, I was sitting alone in the dining room with a cup of coffee and the morning newspaper wondering what I was going to do without her.

Someone had suggested I should pack up all her things and donate them to a charity.  The girls had taken what they thought she would want them to have, and suggested I hire someone to do it.  They couldn’t; the memory of her passing was too raw.  It was for me too, but then I had a whole house filled with reminders and memories.

That’s when I had to get out of there, if only for a few days, and it was where, as if driven by an unseen force, I ended up back at the hospital, and after an hour of wanting to but not wanting to I found myself knocking on Margaret’s door.

I didn’t know if she was well enough or had even recovered enough to have visitors.

She turned her head, saw me, and smiled.  “James, come in.  What a pleasant surprise.  Oh, and I’m sorry for your loss.  I was devastated when I heard that Janine had passed.  How are you?”

It was probably more than she should be saying.  She looked tired if not very sad.

“I don’t know how to feel or what I should do.  I couldn’t stay at home, and I know it sounds stupid, I didn’t have anywhere else to go?”

“That’s not stupid at all.  You’ve just suffered a terrible loss, and it can be very disorientating.  Come and sit.”

I went over to collect the chair and sat where she could see me without having to move too much.

“You don’t have to say anything.  Perhaps you simply take the time to reflect on what you had and what you still have.  That will never go away, not as long as she remains in your heart.”

Had I expected those words?  No.  Perhaps coming from someone else, they may have sounded hollow, but I got the impression she meant every word.  Perhaps having suffered a hugely calamitous point in her own life, she had gained an insight into how precious life was, and it was not meant to be frittered away or ended until it was the time.  She certainly sounded different to the last time we met.

“I was told that I woke up the exact moment Janine died.  I doubt there was a significance that it was just a coincidence.  I certainly never expected to come back, and no, what I did was not because of something I did or said.”

Those were the words that Janine had used, almost to the letter.  it had crossed my mind, but what I had said, someone needed to, and if it could not come from what was once a friend, then she was beyond help.  “Janine seemed to think that I was responsible.”

“Is that why you’re here?”  she asked when I didn’t say anything. There was no reproach in her tone, just curiosity.

“Not really.  I thought I would come and see how you were.  Perhaps it was the notion that I could lose two people I cared about was worrying me.  You know me well enough to know that I speak my mind when I’m with friends, and I always wanted to believe you were one.  I was hurt when you chose William, but it was not unexpected.  You were raised with certain expectations, and I could never fulfil those, for your parents, or you.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.  I know what I did, and I’m not proud of it, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you.  But I can’t blame my parents and their expectations, just my stupidity in not realising that I should have chosen love.  Because of that, I have the rest of my life to pay penance.  I do hope, though, despite everything, that we might still be friends.  God knows I don’t deserve it, but I promise I will never hurt you again.”

That thought, a leopard never changed its spots came into my mind, but then, most leopards don’t go through near-death experiences.  I shook my head, though I couldn’t say why.  “This is too soon,” I said.  “I feel sad, and I feel angry, and I feel cheated.  It’s not your fault.” I stood.  “Perhaps another time.”

Why was I there?  What on earth had made me think going to see Margaret for any reason was going to assuage the pain I was feeling?  And it was pain, far stronger than I imagined it would be.  An onlooker would say I was a mess, and they would be right.  Janine, if she knew what was happening, would be disappointed.  I knew she would want me to be strong for the children’s sake, and I had been.

But in those hours, days after they had returned home and I was alone, that was when it came home and hit me.  I was alone.  I had no one to talk to, no one to do the things we did together, no one to just be there.  it might be said that I took her for granted, but I think over time, you both do that to a certain degree.  You do stuff, you argue, there a good moments and bad moments, but that was what a relationship was, and you look forward to being together for the rest of your days.

When that is cut short, when one or the other dies, there’s an empty spot that can’t be filled.  And it was the reason why, at that moment in time, I couldn’t function.  It was why, a week later, after several phone calls from my eldest son, David, not being answered, the police came to see if everything was ok, and I was found unconscious on the floor.

I woke up in the hospital, and an odd sensation went through me moments before I opened my eyes, an image of someone waving to me as they disappeared into a bright light.  Had I just experienced my own near-death experience, had I just spent some time in heaven’s waiting room, where Janine had told me in no uncertain terms that I had to pull myself together?

I certainly felt like I used to after she told me off.

“Thank God.”

I turned to see David; concern written all over his face.

“I thought we all thought we’d lost you too.  why didn’t you simply ask one of us to stay with you?”

“You have your own lives to live.”

‘You are a part of those lives, and we want, no, need, you to be in them for as long as possible.  I should have realised.  Mum said you’d be lost without her, but we thought she was joking.  You’ve always been so solid in the face of every catastrophe.”

“Perhaps I’m the one who should be sorry to cause you trouble.”

“You are no trouble.  And I’m here for as long as it takes.”

…

Time heals all wounds.  Well, most of them anyway.

With life again in the house, people coming and going, the sounds of children running around and being nuisances as only children could, a new life was created, a new normal.  Janine was not gone. There were photos of her everywhere, things that were hers everywhere, and it was like she was still there.

A year passed, the anniversary of her death, and the whole that had been created by her departure was not as large as it had been, and the subject of whether or not I would ever find someone else, not to replace Janine, but to be a companion, a friend, someone who might make life a little less lonely was actually discussed at the table.

I thought it was too soon. They thought it was time I considered it.  After all, they knew that their mother would be happy for me if I found someone who could be, as David put it, a special friend.

I was sitting at what might have been called my favourite spot at the Golden Bell Cafe, overlooking the town’s botanical gardens.

It was a time of reflection, the gardens were the place where I’d proposed to Janine, and she had accepted, and it subsequently became a place we made time to be together.

When I’d finished the coffee and cake, I would take a walk there, the excuse being I had to walk off the calories.

It was also an excellent spot to see comings and goings, and being the small town it was, I knew most of those going by.  Usually, it was the same people, but this morning there was a new face.

And to be honest, I knew I was going to see her again, and the thought of it did not upset me.  It might have once, but I was in a better place now than I was.

This was not a coincidental meeting.  I had long suspected David had discovered that Margaret had been an old girlfriend and knowing him he would have checked her out and had thought if I saw someone familiar from the past, it might be beneficial

It had his sticky fingers all over the plot.  David always meant well, especially when trying to help his siblings, sometimes with hilarious results, and they were used to his interceding.

When our eyes met, she smiled.  She, too, had benefited from time passing and had almost become her old self again, at least physically.

When she reached the cafe, she joined me at the table.

“It is nice to see you again, Margaret.”

“And I you, but I have to be honest with you.”

“David came to see you and ask if you’d try and brighten up an old fossil like me?”

“He didn’t call you an old fossil, but I believe he believed he had the best of intentions, but not the history.”

“No.  But he means well.  And if you want me to be honest, I’m glad to see you.  Life is too short for both of us to hold onto the past.  Whatever happened then did for a reason, and probably with the intention that it might be possible to have a second chance later on.  Maybe this is our later on. I know Janine would be upset with me if she knew how sad I’ve been since she passed, and perhaps at some point, she might give me a sign.”

“I don’t deserve a second chance, James.  I should not have done what I did.  I loved you, you know that.”

“Then perhaps we will take it one step at a time.  Today. Coffee, cake, and a walk in the park.”

“One day at a time is fine,” she said, with what looked like teary eyes.

I had no idea what she was expecting, perhaps for me to be my usual bad-tempered self when I saw her, but it didn’t seem right, and enough time had passed before seeing any other women

At my age, it was going to be impossible, which is why Margaret was ideal.  I still had feelings for her, probably always did, and just suppressed them while I was with Janine, but now seeing her across the table, those feelings were being given a workout.

I put my hand on hers, and she looked up.  A tear escaped and ran down her cheek.  “Then you pick what you want us to do tomorrow.  Where are you staying?”

“The guest house.”

“Then tomorrow I’ll come and get you.  I have a big empty house and you can stay with me.  There’s a lovely room with your name on it.  Now that’s settled…”

I think I knew at that moment, when I’d looked into those teary eyes that whatever we had those many years before had not gone away but just lay dormant, waiting for the chance to re-emerge and take both of us by surprise.

Even so, there was a measured reluctance to go that next step, not until I got a sign from Janine that she was happy for me.

And when I got to a point where I thought it would never happen, it did.

We went to the cafe and the usual walk. We talked about the usual things and what we were going to do, but I sensed she was getting frustrated that I was still hesitant.

It had been over a year since Janine had passed, and everyone had thought enough time had passed that I had a perfect opportunity to be happy again.

We got home and she went upstairs to her room.  We were not sharing the room or the bed, not yet, and that might have added to the frustration because there was no reason not to.

I noticed a letter on the sideboard near the front door and picked it up.  It was addressed to me in Janine’s writing.

A letter from the grave.

I held it with a shaking hand.  All I could think of was that it would be advice, or just one last word, her penchant for always having the last word.

I opened the envelope and there were several sheets, handwritten.  It was dated after we had that argument when I dropped on to see Margaret when she was in a coma in the hospital.

It was a rather odd time to write a letter to be delivered a year after her death.

…

Dear James

This might feel a little creepy, and I’m guessing that thought has passed through your mind.

It is not.  It’s an apology because I admonished you for no reason other than my jealousy running wild, but perhaps underlying that, it was my insecurity.

I had in the beginning of our relationship wondered if it was going to last, that the moment Margaret came to her senses and saw what she had lost, she would come back and take you away from me.

It was silly, but I could not believe my fortune when she left.  Of course, you were very sad but I had no doubt that I could make you happy, happier than you would have been with her.

The truth is, we were meant to be together.  All I had to do was put away those fears that I might lose you one day and just get on with it.  I can’t say I’m not glad she didn’t come back.

Then, when she did, those fears rose again.  When you went to see her, I wanted to stop you, but doing so may have had the opposite effect.  I was glad to learn whatever you may have felt for her, that you were not sorry for her or her situation, nor did you want to pick up where you left off.

I guess it was the only part of you I never understood, and I never asked because it might stir up demons that didn’t need to be woken.

I went to see her after you did, and it was spooky to come face to face with your worst fears.  She had hardly aged, whereas the rest of us had been worn out by living a hard life.

Sorry, jealousy again.

I told her about us, the highs the lows, everything she would not have experienced, and as far as I could see, didn’t.  She was not a mother, she was not a housewife, and she didn’t work crazy jobs to bring in enough money to ensure we could give our children the best life they could have.

As you can imagine, she had no answers.

But as I understand it, she now had no life, and the people she thought she could rely on later in life had abandoned her.  Those sorry circumstances led her to where she is now, and for that, I am sorry for her.  No one should ever finish up alone and unloved.

So, having duly thought about it, I can see no reason why you should not consider letting her back into your life.  She could use a friend, and if nothing else, you would be a very good friend.  If it becomes something more, then so be it.  You have a lot of love in that heart of yours, James, and it won’t hurt to share some of it with her.

If I know you as I believe I do, you will have thought about it, and think it is too soon, or that it would sully your memory of me.  It won’t.  You will never forget me.  I know you that well, James.

All you have to do now is make the first move.

Jan

…

©  Charles Heath  2024

…

…

I remembered once hearing my mother say after my father had died suddenly, that she regretted not doing more travelling when he was alive.  I also remembered her often saying there never seemed to be enough time to get everything done, that there would be time enough later on to do all those things they never seemed to get around to doing.

It was a familiar lament made by many others during what seemed to be, rapidly passing years.  Until, inevitably, something completely unexpected happened, and equally inevitably, all those plans became moot.

For Janine and me that moment came when we were both sitting in the doctor’s surgery right after he told us the test results were not as good as he had hoped, and more tests were needed before he could positively tell us what was wrong.  Those words of my mother’s came back and hit me like a ton of bricks.

Janine had been tired much more than usual, and lately, everything had become much more difficult.  It was harder to get up in the morning, harder to contemplate cooking, let alone eating, and all those daily chores were more of a chore than before.  When I asked him to hazard a guess as to what the problem was, he refused to speculate but said it was possible he would know more after the next round of tests.

To be honest, I think he knew already.

I think Janine did, too, and was prepared to put a name to it simply because she was now living the same sort of life her mother had, as had her mother before her.  A rare and debilitating form of cancer.

Janine had known it was hereditary, but when it hadn’t affected her the same time as her mother and grandmother, she had believed it had slipped a generation.  Her mother had the first effects of it in her late 30s and died just before she turned 45.  Janine had reached 45 and wasn’t expecting it.  It could still be something else, the doctor said, but his expression that day was not one of hope.

After that first day, I wondered if our lives would end in a sea of regret, wishing that with the benefit of hindsight, we would have done things differently.  But there was a silver lining.  About a year before, we had talked about the possibility of her getting ill and had drawn up a bucket list and began to tick items off it.  Had Janine always known subconsciously that this might happen?

It was a question I was never going to ask her.

We had moved into the room we both knew was going to be Janine’s final home.  She was too weak and in too much pain to be far from the hospital, and this was, the doctor said, the final leg of the race.

I wanted to believe her when she told me she had made her peace with God and the rest of the world, and that she was not going to go out with any regrets.  We had not finished the bucket list, but we had given it a good shake.  I tried to be stoic in the face of her impending death, but sometimes, that was a little hard. 

We had been looking forward to growing old together, and it was one regret I found hard to reconcile.

Her favourite saying had become better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. 

And then, one morning, she had asked, “Why was Margaret, given who she was and how badly she treated people and the fact you were one of them, was your first love?”

Margaret had been the subject of many a conversation in those first few months we dated after Margaret had effectively dumped me.  It had made Janine angry, and for that reason, Margaret was persona non grata

It was something I’d not thought about in a long time. I guess it had been on her mind, especially when in the beginning she had said she always believed she had been my second choice.

“You were never a second choice or the rebound girl,” I said then as I did now. 

And while I wanted to believe that was true, to a certain extent it was a lie.  If the truth be told, she had been there and had always had a ‘thing’ for me, and my sister had always maintained Janine had hoped Margaret would revert to type, untrustworthy to the point of inevitably letting me down.  My sister had also always believed Janine and I would end up together.  In her eyes, we were much better suited, and as time passed had proved.

But Janine asked in the next breath, had I always held a torch for Margaret, with the hope that one day she would come to her senses?

“When you accepted my proposal, my heart was never anywhere but with you,” I said, wondering why she was bringing the matter up now.  “I never had any intention of taking her back, or talking to her, not after what she did.”

“You had not the tiniest regret that you wouldn’t get to be with your first love?  After all, that’s the one that makes the most impact on your life and how it plays out over time.  I always believed part of you was always with her.”

Why would she think such a thing when I had never given her the impression that I was anywhere but with her?

“I have no regrets marrying you.  None.  Margaret sowed the seeds of her destruction for better or worse, and I was not inclined to rescue her or help her in any way when everything fell apart.  Going to see her a few months back was not because I was still interested in her or thinking we might get back together.  Just seeing her and what she had become was reason enough to stay away.  No, believe me when I say she was a bullet dodged.”

I didn’t understand why Margaret was even a subject for discussion in her last few weeks when we should have been reminiscing on what we had.  It caused me some concern she should ever think that she was not the woman I had wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

And what had brought this on? I had not mentioned Margaret since that night I left her at the restaurant, and I had made a point of not talking to Margaret either over the phone or by email.  She had tried to contact me, and I had ignored her.  There was nothing she could say that would make me think that she and I should be together.  Ever.

So, I had to ask why she was so worried about my loyalty or that she could ever think that my heart belonged to anyone else but her.  I had, I said, never given her reason to ever think it was not.

“Because she is about six rooms up the passage from here on life support.  She tried to commit suicide and I suspected that might have been because of something you said or did.”

It bothered me that she could think that, but I guess it was not entirely unexpected given her state of mind.  Margaret had never been the subject of any conversation when she was well.

When we first started dating, I told her exactly where I stood regarding Margaret, and it had never wavered since.  It had helped that Margaret was wise enough to stay away.  I might have done something stupid had she shown her face, even after her relationship with William had fallen apart.

I was never going to be her second choice or backup plan.  But I could see, now, those thoughts had crossed Janine’s mind, how the fear of being a second choice could be considered.  The thing is I had no idea how to reassure her I was not interested in Margaret, in a coma or not.

A few days later, though, when I put my head in the door of the room where Margaret was sleeping, I realised it was a mistake.  I should have realised Janine would have spies everywhere.  She was not normally this paranoid, but in her heightened state, everything would have a meaning even if I couldn’t comprehend what it was.

When I walked into the room, she had that expression on her face that I equated to trouble.  Much like being on the Titanic just before it sank.

“You went to see her,” she said before I could even sit down.

“It would seem out of place if I was not curious as to her condition.  And given the fact she was in a coma and didn’t know I was there, and the fact it was only for a few minutes, is hardly worth mentioning for obvious reasons.  You should not have told me if you didn’t want me to go there.”

Her health deteriorated rapidly, the doctor saying that once the pain reached a certain level, she would become virtually comatose because of the pain medicine.  That morning I reassured her that Margaret meant nothing to me and despaired that our last conversation was not of happier times.  The doctor had said the medication would mess with her thoughts, so I should just nod and agree.

That afternoon she slipped into the final stage, and for all intents and purposes, looked like an angel sleeping.  Twenty-three hours later, the longest period of my life, she died peacefully.  She opened her eyes just before passing and smiled. 

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©  Charles Heath  2024

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