Category: Fiction

365 Days of Writing, 2026 – 260

Day 260 – Writing to provoke

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If You Can’t Annoy Somebody with What You Write, There’s Little Point in Writing – A Deep Dive into Kingsley Amis’s Provocative Quote

Table of Contents

  1. Who Was Kingsley Amis?
  2. The Quote in Context – What Did He Really Mean?
  3. Why “Annoying” Can Be a Good Thing in Writing
    • 3.1 The Power of Provocation
    • 3.2 Annoyance vs. Engagement
  4. When Annoyance Becomes Counter‑Productive
  5. Real‑World Examples: Writers Who Mastered the Art of Annoyance
  6. Practical Tips: How to Write That Stirs Without Alienating
  7. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
  8. Final Takeaway: Embrace the Edge, Not the Offence

1. Who Was Kingsley Amis?

Kingsley Amis (1922‑1995) was a British novelist, poet, and essayist best known for his razor‑sharp wit and satirical eye. He won the Booker Prize for The Old Devils (1986) and penned the cult classic Lucky Jim (1954). Amis was a self‑described “pessimist” who delighted in challenging literary conventions and poking fun at social pretensions.

“I think a lot of people are trying to be too nice. If you can’t annoy somebody with what you write, I think there’s little point in writing.”

The quote sums up his belief that writing’s purpose isn’t comfort—it’s confrontation.

2. The Quote in Context – What Did He Really Mean?

Amis made this remark during a 1962 interview for The Spectator while discussing the role of the modern novelist. He wasn’t encouraging petty irritation; he was championing intellectual provocation—the act of shaking readers out of complacency.

Key takeaways from the original context

AspectExplanation
Literary TraditionAmis aligned himself with authors like Oscar Wilde, George Orwell and James Joyce—writers who deliberately sparked debate.
Audience ExpectationHe argued that readers expect to be challenged, not lulled.
Creative CourageA writer must risk criticism to stay authentic.

In short, Amis believed the value of writing lies in its ability to stir thought, even if it ruffles feathers.

3. Why “Annoying” Can Be a Good Thing in Writing

3.1 The Power of Provocation

Provocation is a deliberate literary technique used to:

  1. Highlight contradictions – A provocative statement forces the reader to confront hidden biases.
  2. Create memorable moments – Controversial lines stay with readers longer than bland prose.
  3. Catalyze cultural conversation – Think of how Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird or Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale sparked nationwide dialogue.

SEO Insight: Articles that explore “how to provoke readers” rank highly for keywords like “provocative writing tips” and “controversial writing examples”.

3.2 Annoyance vs. Engagement

FactorAnnoyance (Negative)Engagement (Positive)
Reader ReactionIrritation, dismissalCuriosity, deeper analysis
LongevityForgettable, quickly skimmedRe‑read, quoted, shared
SEO ImpactHigh bounce rateIncreased dwell time & backlinks

The sweet spot is controlled annoyance—enough to provoke, but not so much that readers abandon the piece.

4. When Annoyance Becomes Counter‑Productive

Provocation has limits. Below are red flags that indicate you’ve crossed from “thought‑provoking” into “offensive”:

Red FlagWhy It HurtsHow to Fix It
Sweeping GeneralisationsAlienates large audiences; looks lazy.Ground statements in evidence; add nuance.
Personal AttacksTurns discussion into a fight.Focus criticism on ideas, not identities.
Misleading “Shock for Shock’s Sake”Damages credibility; Google penalises low‑quality content.Keep the shock tied to a clear argument or purpose.
Ignoring Reader ContextYour audience may lack the background needed to understand the provocation.Provide brief context or a “quick‑read guide.”

Bottom line: Annoyance that adds value ≠ annoyance that creates noise.

5. Real‑World Examples: Writers Who Mastered the Art of Annoyance

WriterWorkHow They Annoy (Productively)
George Orwell1984Exposes totalitarian absurdities, disturbing readers with a bleak warning.
Toni MorrisonBelovedConfronts the trauma of slavery, forcing readers to feel uncomfortable truths.
Brett Easton EllisAmerican PsychoGraphic violence pushes readers to question consumerist culture.
Chuck PalahniukFight ClubSubversive narrative undermines conventional masculinity.
Ta-Nehisi CoatesBetween the World and MeBoldly critiques systemic racism, challenging comfortable narratives.

These authors don’t merely “annoy”; they re‑frame the conversation and inspire social reflection.

6. Practical Tips: How to Write That Stirs Without Alienating

Below is a step‑by‑step cheat sheet you can copy into your writer’s notebook.

6.1 Clarify Your Core Argument

  1. Write a one‑sentence thesis that states the controversial point.
  2. Ask, “Why does this matter?” If the answer isn’t compelling, revisit the thesis.

6.2 Use “Controlled Shock”

TechniqueDescriptionExample
Unexpected AnalogyPair two unrelated concepts to jolt the brain.“Voting is less a right and more a subscription you can’t cancel.”
Statistical BombshellDrop a little‑known, striking statistic.“One in three children will never read a book beyond the first grade.”
Narrative DisruptionBegin with a scene that subverts expectations.“The city’s mayor announced, ‘We’re raising taxes—because we love you.’”

6.3 Back Up the Provocation

  • Cite reputable sources (academic journals, reputable news outlets).
  • Add a counter‑argument—show you understand the other side.
  • Explain the “why” after each provocative claim.

6.4 Word‑Level Tactics

TacticWhy It WorksSample
Rhetorical QuestionsForces readers to answer internally.“If we accept this, what’s left for the next generation?”
ParallelismCreates rhythm, making the message stick.“We’re told to listen, we’re told to obey, we’re told to forget.”
ContrastHighlights disparity, amplifying irritation.“The richest 1% own more than the bottom 50%, yet they claim meritocracy.”

6.5 Edit for Balance

  1. Read aloud – Does the line sound like a thoughtful jab or a tantrum?
  2. Apply the “5‑Second Rule.” If a reader can skip the sentence within five seconds, consider re‑working it.
  3. Seek a Beta Reader—preferably someone with an opposing perspective.

6.6 SEO Checklist (For Blog Posts)

  • Primary keyword: Kingsley Amis writing quote (use 2–3 times in headings, intro, and conclusion).
  • LSI keywords: provocative writing, annoying readers purpose, controversial literature examples, how to write to provoke.
  • Meta tags (title ≤ 60 chars; description ≤ 155 chars).
  • Alt text for images – e.g., alt="Kingsley Amis portrait, British novelist" for a photo.
  • Internal links – Point to related posts: “5 Ways to Write a Strong Argument” and “Why Bad Writing Isn’t Always Bad.”

7. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Q1. Does “annoying” mean being rude or hateful?
No. Amis’s concept is about intellectual irritation—challenging ideas, not attacking individuals.

Q2. Can I apply this principle to non‑fiction, like business copy?
Absolutely. Even a marketing email can use a slight edge: “Most CEOs think they’re unstoppable. The data says otherwise.”

Q3. How do I measure if my provocative writing works?

  • Engagement metrics: longer dwell time, comments, social shares.
  • Qualitative feedback: readers citing “thought‑provoking” in reviews.

Q4. What if I offend a protected group unintentionally?
Do a quick sensitivity check: research cultural context, use inclusive language, and consider a content warning if needed.

Q5. Should I always aim to annoy?
No. Use annoyance strategically—when the goal is to spark dialogue or highlight injustice. Not every piece needs a shock factor.

8. Final Takeaway: Embrace the Edge, Not the Offence

Kingsley Amis wasn’t encouraging writers to be jerks. He was reminding us that the purpose of good writing is to make readers think, feel, and sometimes squirm. When you master the art of controlled annoyance, you:

  • Break complacency – Readers stop scrolling and start reflecting.
  • Boost SEO – Higher dwell time & more backlinks from discussions.
  • Leave a cultural imprint – Your words join the conversation that shapes society.

Bottom line: If your prose can’t stir at least one mind, ask yourself why you’re writing at all.

Ready to Write Something That Pops?

  1. Pick a controversial stance that aligns with your niche.
  2. Stack it with hard‑data and vivid storytelling.
  3. Polish with the editor’s eye for balance.

Your next post could be the one that annoys—in the best, most purposeful way—making you a writer worth remembering.

“If you can’t annoy somebody with what you write, I think there’s little point in writing.” – Kingsley Amis

Take this as a challenge, not a threat. Start provoking today.

…

An excerpt from “Sunday in New York”

Now available on Amazon at:  https://amzn.to/2H7ALs8

…

Williams’ Restaurant, East 65th Street, New York, Saturday, 8:00 p.m.

We met the Blaines at Williams’, a rather upmarket restaurant that the Blaines frequently visited and had recommended.

Of course, during the taxi ride there, Alison reminded me that with my new job, we would be able to go to many more places like Williams’.  It was, at worst, more emotional blackmail, because as far as Alison was concerned, we were well on our way to posh restaurants, the Trump Tower Apartments, and the trappings of the ‘executive set’.

It would be a miracle if I didn’t strangle Elaine before the night was over.  It was she who had filled Alison’s head with all this stuff and nonsense.

Aside from the half-frown, half-smile, Alison was looking stunning.  It had been months since she had last dressed up, and she was especially wearing the dress I’d bought her for our 5th anniversary that cost a month’s salary.  On her, it was worth it, and I would have paid more if I had to.  She had adored it and me, for a week or so after.

For tonight, I think I was close to getting back on that pedestal.

She had the looks and figure to draw attention, the sort movie stars get on the red carpet, and when we walked into the restaurant, I swear there were at least five seconds of silence, and many more gasps.

I even had a sudden loss of breath earlier in the evening when she came out of the dressing room.  Once more, I was reminded of how lucky I was that she had agreed to marry me.  Amid all those self-doubts, I couldn’t believe she had loved me when there were so many others out there who were more appealing.

Elaine was out of her seat and came over just as the Head Waiter hovered into sight.  She personally escorted Alison to the table, allowing me to follow like the Queen’s consort, while she and Alison basked in the admiring glances of the other patrons.

More than once, I heard the muted question, “Who is she?”

Jimmy stood, we shook hands, and then we sat together.  It was not the usual boy, girl, boy, girl seating arrangement.  Jimmy and I on one side and Elaine and Alison on the other.

The battle lines were drawn.

Jimmy was looking fashionable, with a permanent blade one beard, unkempt hair, and a designer dinner suit that looked like he’d slept in it.  Alison insisted I wear a tuxedo, and I looked like the proverbial penguin or just a thinner version of Alfred Hitchcock.

The bow tie had been slightly crooked, but just before we stepped out, she had straightened it.  And took the moment to look deeply into my soul.  It was one of those moments when words were not necessary.

Then it was gone.

I relived it briefly as I sat and she looked at me.  A penetrating look that told me to ‘behave’.

When we were settled, Elaine said, in that breathless, enthusiastic manner of hers when she was excited, “So, Harry, you are finally moving up.”  It was not a question, but a statement.

I was not sure what she meant by ‘finally’, but I accepted it with good grace.  Sometimes, Elaine was prone to using figures of speech I didn’t understand.  I guessed she was talking about the new job.  “It was supposed to be a secret.”

She smiled widely.  “There are no secrets between Al and me, are there, Al?”

I looked at ‘Al’ and saw a brief look of consternation.

I was not sure Alison liked the idea of being called Al.  I tried it once and was admonished.  But it was interesting that her ‘best friend forever’ was allowed that distinction when I was not.  It was, perhaps, another indicator of how far I’d slipped in her estimation.

Perhaps, I thought, it was a necessary evil.  As I understood it, the Blaines were our mentors at the Trump Tower, because they didn’t just let ‘anyone’ in.  I didn’t ask if the Blaines thought we were just ‘anyone’ before I got the job offer.

And then there was that look between Alison and Elaine, quickly stolen before Alison realised I was looking at both of them.  I was out of my depth, in a place I didn’t belong, with people I didn’t understand.  And yet, apparently, Alison did.  I must have missed the memo.

“No,” Alison said softly, stealing a glance in my direction, “No secrets between friends.”

No secrets.  Her look conveyed something else entirely.

The waiter brought champagne, Krug, and poured glasses for each of us.  It was not the cheap stuff, and I was glad I brought a couple of thousand dollars with me.  We were going to need it.

Then, a toast.

To a new job and a new life.

“When did you decide?”  Elaine was effusive at the best of times, but with the champagne, it was worse.

Alison had a strange expression on her face.  It was obvious she had told Elaine it was a done deal, even before I’d made up my mind.  Perhaps she’d assumed I might be ‘refreshingly honest’ in front of Elaine, but it could also mean she didn’t really care what I might say or do.

Instead of consternation, she looked happy, and I realised it would be churlish, even silly, if I made a scene.  I knew what I wanted to say.  I also knew that it would serve little purpose provoking Elaine or upsetting Alison.  This was not the time or the place.  Alison had been looking forward to coming here, and I was not going to spoil it.

Instead, I said, smiling, “When I woke up this morning and found Alison missing.  If she had been there, I would not have noticed the water stain on the roof above our bed, and decided there and then how much I hated the place.” I used my reassuring smile, the one I used with the customers when all hell was breaking loose, and the forest fire was out of control.  “It’s the little things.  They all add up until one day …”  I shrugged.  “I guess that one day was today.”

I saw an incredulous look pass between Elaine and Alison, a non-verbal question; perhaps, is he for real?  Or, I told you he’d come around.

I had no idea the two were so close.

“How quaint,” Elaine said, which just about summed up her feelings towards me.  I think, at that moment, I lost some brownie points.  It was all I could come up with at short notice.

“Yes,” I added, with a little more emphasis than I wanted.  “Alison was off to get some studying in with one of her friends.”

“Weren’t the two of you off to the Hamptons, a weekend with some friends?” Jimmy piped up and immediately got the ‘shut up, you fool’ look that cut that line of conversation dead.  Someone forgot to feed Jimmy his lines.

It was followed by the condescending smile from Elaine, and “I need to powder my nose.  Care to join me, Al?”

A frown, then a forced smile for her new best friend.  “Yes.”

I watched them leave the table and head in the direction of the restroom, looking like they were in earnest conversation.  I thought ‘Al’ looked annoyed, but I could be wrong.

I had to say Jimmy looked more surprised than I did.

There was that odd moment of silence between us, Jimmy still smarting from his death stare, and for me, the Alison and Elaine show.  I was quite literally gob-smacked.

I drained my champagne glass, gathering some courage and turned to him.  “By the way, we were going to have a weekend away, but this legal tutorial thing came up.  You know Alison is doing her law degree.”

He looked startled when he realised I had spoken.  He was looking intently at a woman several tables over from us, one who’d obviously forgotten some basic garments when getting dressed.  Or perhaps it was deliberate.  She’d definitely had some enhancements done.

He dragged his eyes back to me.  “Yes.  Elaine said something or other about it.  But I thought she said the tutor was out of town and it had been postponed until next week.  Perhaps I got it wrong.  I usually do.”

“Perhaps I’ve got it wrong.”  I shrugged as the dark thoughts started swirling in my head again.  “This week or next, what does it matter?”

Of course, it mattered to me, and I digested what he said with a sinking heart.  It showed there was another problem between Alison and me; she might have been telling me lies.  If what he said was true and I had no reason to doubt him, where was she going tomorrow morning, and had she really been with a friend studying today?

We poured some more champagne, had a drink, then he asked, “This promotion thing, what’s it worth?”

“Trouble, I suspect.  Definitely more money, but less time at home.”

“Oh,” raised eyebrows.  Obviously, the women had not talked about the job in front of him, or, at least, not all the details.  “You sure you want to do that?”

At last, the voice of reason.  “Me?  No.”

“Yet you accepted the job.”

I sucked in a breath or two while I considered whether I could trust him.  Even if I couldn’t, I could see my ship was sinking, so it wouldn’t matter what I told him, or what Elaine might find out from him.  “Jimmy, between you and me, I haven’t as yet decided one way or another.  To be honest, I won’t know until I go up to Barclay’s office and he asks me the question.”

“Barclay?”

“My boss.”

“Elaine’s doing a job for a Barclay who recently moved into the tower a block down from us.  I thought I recognised the name.”

“How did Elaine get the job?”

“Oh, Alison put him onto her.”

“When?”

“A couple of months ago.  Why?”

I shrugged and tried to keep a straight face, while my insides were churning up like the wake of a supertanker.  I felt sick, faint, and wanted to die all at the same moment.  “Perhaps she said something about it, but it didn’t connect at the time.  Too busy with work, I expect.  I think I seriously need to get away for a while.”

I could hardly breathe, my throat was constricted, and I knew I had to keep it together.  I could see Elaine and Alison coming back, so I had to calm down.  I sucked in some deep breaths and put my ‘manage a complete and utter disaster’ look on my face.

And I had to change the subject, quickly, so I said, “Jimmy, Elaine told Alison, who told me, you were something of a guru of the cause and effects of the global economic meltdown.  Now, I have a couple of friends who have been expounding this theory …”

Like flicking a switch, I launched into the well-worn practice of ‘running a distraction’, like at work when we needed to keep the customer from discovering the truth.  It was one of the things I was good at, taking over a conversation and pushing it in a different direction.  It was salvaging a good result from an utter disaster, and if ever there was a time that it was required, it was right here, right now.

When Alison sat down and looked at me, she knew something had happened between Jimmy and me.  I might have looked pale or red-faced, or angry or disappointed, but it didn’t matter.  If that didn’t seal the deal for her, the fact that I took over the dining engagement did.  She knew well enough that the only time I did that was when everything was about to go to hell in a handbasket.  She’d seen me in action before and had been suitably astonished.

But I got into gear, kept the champagne flowing and steered the conversation, as much as one could from a seasoned professional like Elaine, and, I think, in Jimmy’s eyes, he saw the battle lines and knew who took the crown on points.  Neither Elaine nor Jimmy suspected anything, and if the truth be told, I had improved my stocks with Elaine.  She was at times both surprised and interested, even willing to take a back seat.

Alison, on the other hand, tried poking around the edges, and, once when Elaine and Jimmy had got up to have a cigarette outside, questioned me directly.  I chose to ignore her and pretend nothing had happened, rather than tell her how much I was enjoying the evening.

She had her ‘secrets’.  I had mine.

At the end of the evening, when I got up to go to the bathroom, I was physically sick from the pent-up tension and the implications of what Jimmy had told me.  It took a while for me to pull myself together; so long, in fact, that Jimmy came looking for me.  I told him I’d drunk too much champagne, and he seemed satisfied with that excuse.  When I returned, both Alison and Elaine noticed how pale I was, but neither made any comment.

It was a sad way to end what was supposed to be a delightful evening, which, to a large degree, it was for the other three.  But I had achieved what I set out to do: to play them at their own game, watching the deception once I knew there was one, as warily as a cat watches its prey.

I had also discovered Jimmy’s real calling; a professor of economics at the same University Alison was doing her law degree.  It was no surprise in the end, on a night where surprises abounded, that the world could really be that small.

We parted in the early hours of the morning, a taxi whisking us back to the Lower East Side, another taking the Blaines back to the Upper West Side.  But, in our case, as Alison reminded me, it would not be for much longer.  She showed concern for my health and asked me what was wrong.  It took all the courage I could muster to tell her it was most likely something I ate and the champagne, and that I would be fine in the morning.

She could see quite plainly it was anything other than what I told her, but she didn’t pursue it.  Perhaps she just didn’t care what I was playing at.

And yet, after everything that had happened, once inside our ‘palace’, the events of the evening were discarded, like her clothing, and she again reminded me of what we had together in the early years before the problems had set in.

It left me confused and lost.

I couldn’t sleep because my mind had now gone down that irreversible path that told me I was losing her, that she had found someone else, and that our marriage was in its last death throes.

And now I knew it had something to do with Barclay.

…

© Charles Heath 2015-2026

Sunday In New York

The cinema of my dreams – Was it just another surveillance job – Episode 48

I’m back home and this story has been sitting on the back burner for a few months, waiting for some more to be written.

The trouble is, there are also other stories to write, and I’m not very good at prioritizing.

But, here we are, a few minutes opened up and it didn’t take long to get back into the groove.

Chasing leads, maybe

“You haven’t been truthful with me, have you?” 

That was Dobbin’s opening shot once we were in the car and out in traffic.  It was as if he was worried someone would be listening in on our conversation.

“Says the spider to the fly.  Isn’t it the nature of this business not to play all your cards at once?”

“You’ve been in this business all of five minutes.  You don’t get the right to play cards.”

“I’m still alive, no thanks to anyone but my own skill.”

I could see the disdain in his expression, and the annoyance in his eyes.  Perhaps he was a man used to getting his own way.  I was expecting a retort, but he said nothing.

“How many different organizations do you work for, or is it none, and you just have fake IDs to get you in the door?”

“Need to know.  Have you found O’Connell yet?”

“He’s dead.  I saw him killed in an alley.  I’m sure Maury and Severin had him shot, no coincidence they turned up just after he hit the ground.  I searched the body, there was nothing on it.  Before he was shot, he told me to speak to you.  I did.  Anything else I’m doing is for my own protection.  Assigning Jan to befriend me, then play me would have been a good plan if I hadn’t found out.  I know she found O’Connell’s other residence, but I’m willing to bet she found as much as I did nothing.  Your people do that to Maury?”

“In a manner of speaking.  He wasn’t going to talk, and we couldn’t let him back on the street.”

“And knowing that I would go back to the hotel, what were you hoping for, that I would get arrested for his murder?”

“We were hoping you would glean information from her handler, or the police.  Seems both are either tight-lipped, or they know nothing.  Her handler is an incompetent fool.”

“Where is she?”

“Waiting for you at her apartment.  I want the pair of you to find O’Connell.  He either has the information, or he knows where it is.  They found the charred remains of a body in the cafe where the explosion was, a freelance reporter, who, according to his editor, had the story of the century.  No other details, though.”

“That either means military or industrial secrets.  Why would the reporter want to meet with O’Connell?”

“That’s not your concern.”

“Well, you’re wrong if you think O’Connell had the USB.  He didn’t get inside the cafe before it blew up, I know, I was there, and witness the whole event.  You know the drill, he goes past, checking to see if the target is in place, then makes sure the location is clear, then goes back and facilitates the handover.  He only just got past the front when the bomb went off.  I’m sure you’ve seen the CCTV footage.”

Yes, his expression told me he had.

“So how do you come to the conclusion he still has it?”

Never cite logical arguments to a man who lives in a fantasy world.

“Law of averages tells me there is a copy, and O’Connell would have made sure there was a backup plan, and location.”

It then struck me, after having talked to O’Connell, and knowing Dobbin knew O’Connell was still alive because he had rescued him from the alley and Severin’s cleaners.  It was not just a matter of getting him to admit it, and the fact O’Connell had done a runner on him.

“You seem convinced O’Connell is still alive.”

He glared at me.  Truth or dare?

“Because he is.  The trouble is, he’s gone to ground and I can’t raise him.  He was supposed to wait a few days in a safe place while we hunted down Severin and Maury.  We had one, but not the other.  I doubt he’ll surface before he gets word that Severin has been neutralized.  Every hour that information is still out there, is the chance it will fall into the wrong hands, so we need him and the information found.”

“You think he’s gone rogue.”

“I don’t think anything.

The car stopped outside O’Connell’s apartment block.

“Place nice with Jan, and find him and the information.

I got out of the car and watched it rejoin the traffic.

Before heading to the front entrance, my phone rang.  Odd, because only two people knew my number, and it was neither of those two.

Curiosity overcame reluctance to answer.  “Yes.”

“I’m texting a meeting point.  Be there at six.”  The line went dead before I could say anything.  Four hours.

No doubting the voice.  Severin.  And he sounded scared.

I wondered if he knew what had happened to his partner in crime.

…

© Charles Heath 2020-2022

Skeletons in the closet, and doppelgangers

A story called “Mistaken Identity”

…

How many of us have skeletons in the closet that we know nothing about? The skeletons we know about generally stay there, but those we do not, well, they have a habit of coming out of left field when we least expect them.

In this case, when you see your photo on a TV screen with the accompanying text that says you are wanted by every law enforcement agency in Europe, you’re in a state of shock, only to be compounded by those same police, armed and menacing, kicking the door down.

I’d been thinking about this premise for a while after I discovered my mother had a boyfriend before she married my father, a boyfriend who was, by all accounts, the man who was the love of her life.

Then, in terms of coming up with an idea for a story, what if she had a child by him that we didn’t know about, which might mean I had a half-brother or sister I knew nothing about. It’s not an uncommon occurrence from what I’ve been researching.

There are many ways of putting a spin on this story.

Then, in the back of my mind, I remembered a story an acquaintance at work was once telling us over morning tea, that a friend of a friend had a mother who had a twin sister and that each of the sisters had a son by the same father, without each knowing of the father’s actions, both growing up without the other having any knowledge of their half brother, only to meet by accident on the other side of the world.

It was an encounter that in the scheme of things might never have happened, and each would have remained oblivious of the other.

For one sister, the relationship was over before she discovered she was pregnant, and therefore had not told the man he was a father. It was no surprise the relationship foundered when she discovered he was also having a relationship with her sister, a discovery that caused her to cut all ties with both of them and never speak to either from that day.

It’s a story with more twists and turns than a country lane!

And a great idea for a story.

That story is called ‘Mistaken Identity’.

The cinema of my dreams – I always wanted to see the planets – Episode 13

Our first contact didn’t go so well

…

As soon as I stepped off the shuttle in the cargo bay, the third officer was waiting for me.

“The captain asked me to escort you up to his day room.”

Unusual. The captain could have just called me on the private communicator if there was a need for secrecy, if that was what this was.

“Any reason why he would send you?”

“Didn’t want you getting lost, sir.”

I knew I should not have admitted to him that I had got a little confused finding my way around, but that was because the dockyard people had blocked off several passageways.

“No. I guess not.”

The Third was a man of little humour, and particularly didn’t think any of my jokes were funny. On station, he was all serious and unamused.

Now, he had his serious face on, and I thought it best not to ask what to expect.

He took a different route to the bridge than what I would have taken, a much shorter and more direct route. It was obvious he had studied the plans of the ship and knew it backwards. I on the other hand, was not that prepared, but it meant I would have to.

He went as far as the door to the day room, and left me there. I didn’t need to announce myself, the doors just opened, whisper quiet, showing me the room I could expect one day when I got my own ship.

Or at the very least, I could dream.

The doors closed behind me, and I walked forward into the room proper, and first saw the captain sitting at his desk, and then a figure standing beside and back a step, behind him.

There was a weapon in his hand, but it was by his side.

And something else I noticed, the figure looked just like the three I’d seen on the other ship.

The captain saw me looking at him.

“This is the captain from the vessel that just arrived as those assailants on the cargo ship were ‘rescued’.

He, or she, looked human under the clothes and helmet, but could be almost anything.

“Does he…”

“Speak our language, yes, and a lot of others. And he would like our help.”

…

© Charles Heath 2021

What I learned about writing – You can draw inspiration from anywhere

Watching the doors that lead to the consulting rooms is about as exciting as watching pigeons standing on a window ledge.

But…

When you have little else to do while waiting to see the doctor, it can take on new meaning, especially if you don’t want to be like 95% of the others waiting and be on their mobile phones.

What you basically have is a cross-section of people right in front of you, a virtual cornucopia of characters just waiting to stay in your next novel, of course with some minor adjustments.  It’s the actions and traits I’m looking for, and since it is a hospital, there’s bound to be some good ones.

It’s a steady drip of patients getting called, and it seems like more are arriving than being seen, and those that are being called have arrived and barely got to sit down, whilst a steady core has been waiting, and waiting, and waiting…

Everyone reacts differently to waiting.

A lady arrives, walking tentatively into the waiting area.  It’s reasonably full so the first thing she does is look for a spot where she doesn’t have to sit next to anyone else.  I’m the same, nothing worse if you sit next to a talker, and getting their life history.

Another sits, looking like they’re going to read, they brought a book with them, but it sits on her lap.  The phone comes out, a quick scan, then it remains in hand.  Is she expecting a call or text wishing her luck?  It’s not the oncology clinic so she doesn’t have cancer.  Hopefully.  The fact she brought a book tells me she’s been here before and knows a 9:00 appointment is rarely on time.

As we are discovering.

A couple arrives, maybe a mother and daughter, maybe a patient and her support person.  Both of them don’t look very well do it’s a toss-up who is there to see the doctor.

Next is a man who could easily pass as living on the street.  It’s probably an injustice to say so, but his appearance is compelling, and I’m not the only one.  He sits and the person next to him gets up, apparently looking for something, then moves subtly to another seat.  Someone else nearby wrinkles her nose.  Two others look in his direction and then whisper to each other.  No guesses what the subject is.

More arrive, fewer seats, some are called, but everyone notices, and avoids, the man.

The sign of the door where the stream of patients are going, says no entry staff only, and periodically a staff member comes striding out purposely, or sedately, clutching a piece of all-important paper, the sign of someone who knows where they’re going, on an important mission.  Names are being called from this door and various other sections of the room, requiring you to keep one ear open.

It seems all hospitals are branches of the United Nations, medical staff, and particularly doctors, are recruited from all over the world, and it seems to be able to speak understandable English is not one of the mandatory requirements, and sometimes the person calling out the name, has a little difficulty with the pronunciation.

Perhaps like the UN, we need interpreters.  No, most of the names are recognizable until there is a foreign name that’s unpronounceable, or a person with English as a second language calls an English name.  It makes what could be an interminable wait into something more interesting.

And then there are the people who have names that are completely at odds with their nationality.  They are lucky enough to have the best of a number of cultures, and perhaps a deeper level of understanding where others do not.  I’m reminded never to judge a book by it’s cover.

When there is a lull in arrivals and call-ups, there’s the doctor in consult room 2.  He’s apparently the doctor with no patients and periodically he comes out to look in his pigeonhole, or just look over the patients waiting, and more importantly checking the door handle when not delivering printouts to the consulting room next door.

He’s a doctor with no patients, get my drift.  Well, that joke fell very flat, so, fortunately, he comes out, a piece of paper in hand, and calls a name.  His quiet period is over.  Someone else will have to look at the door handle.

But we’re still waiting, waiting.

It’s been an hour and four minutes, and a little frustrating.  Surely when you check-in they should give you an estimated waiting time, or better still how many patients there are before you.

I guess its time to join the rest and pick up the mobile phone.

The good news, I only got to type one word before my name was called.  By a person who could pronounce it correctly.

The doctor, well that’s another story.

365 Days of Writing, 2026 – 259

Day 259 – How to approximate spoken language

…

How to Approximate Spoken Language in Fiction – A Practical Guide Using James Kelman’s Novels

Meta Description: Learn to capture the rhythm, tone, and authenticity of real speech in your writing. This step‑by‑step guide uses James Kelman’s groundbreaking novels as a live case study, with SEO‑friendly tips for mastering spoken language on the page.

Introduction

When a reader opens a novel, the most immediate test of its credibility is the dialogue. Does it sound like a casual conversation you might overhear at a pub, or does it feel like a rehearsed script? Approximating spoken language—the art of making prose sound like real speech—adds immediacy, personality, and cultural texture to fiction.

One author who has turned this technique into a literary trademark is James Kelman, the Scottish Booker‑prize‑winning novelist known for his unapologetically raw, Glaswegian voice. Kelman’s work is a masterclass in how to translate the cadences, slang, and interruptions of everyday talk into page‑bound narrative without sacrificing readability.

In this post we’ll break down:

  • The why behind mimicking spoken language.
  • The common pitfalls that can turn authentic dialogue into unreadable gibberish.
  • Kelman’s toolkit—the specific techniques he uses to make his prose feel like a live conversation.
  • A step‑by‑step workflow you can apply to your own manuscript.

By the end, you’ll have a concrete, SEO‑friendly roadmap for writing dialogue that sounds like it’s being spoken right now—just like Kelman’s characters.

1. Why Approximate Spoken Language?

BenefitExplanationSEO Keywords
AuthenticityReaders instantly trust characters whose speech matches the social setting they belong to.authentic dialogue, realistic speech
Voice & IdentityDialect, rhythm, and filler words give each character a distinct fingerprint.character voice, literary dialect
ImmersionReal‑time speech creates an “in‑the‑room” sensation, deepening narrative immersion.immersive storytelling, natural speech in fiction
Cultural ContextLanguage is a cultural artifact; capturing it grounds the story in a specific place and time.regional dialects, Scottish speech

In short, approximating spoken language bridges the gap between reader and character, turning passive consumption into an active, almost conversational experience.

2. The Challenges of Writing “Real” Speech

Even though we all speak every day, transcribing that experience into text is a delicate balancing act. Here are the three biggest hurdles:

  1. Clarity vs. Verisimilitude – Raw speech includes false starts, repetitions, and unfinished thoughts. Too much of this can obscure the plot.
  2. Readability – Over‑use of slang or non‑standard spelling can alienate readers unfamiliar with the dialect.
  3. Pacing – Dialogue that mimics spoken rhythm can affect the overall pacing of a scene.

Understanding these challenges helps you apply Kelman’s solutions rather than reinventing the wheel.

3. James Kelman: A Case Study in Spoken‑Language Approximation

3.1. Who is James Kelman?

  • Born: 1946, Glasgow, Scotland
  • Major Works: How Late It Was, How Late (1994), The Busconductor (1985), A Disappearing Number (1995)
  • Accolades: Booker Prize (1994) for How Late It Was, How Late

Kelman grew up speaking Glaswegian, a working‑class Scottish dialect that is often dismissed as “unintelligible” outside its region. Instead of sanitizing it, Kelman preserves its rough edges, using the dialect as a political tool to amplify working‑class voices.

3.2. Core Techniques Kelman Employs

TechniqueDescriptionExample (from How Late It Was, How Late)
Stream‑of‑Consciousness PunctuationMinimal punctuation, long run‑on sentences that simulate thought flow.“I’m trying to get them, but I’m badly sorry for being slightly at a loss. I ain’t anything but a brain‑and‑stupid little bit for later.”
Dialect‑Specific LexiconKeeps authentic vocabulary, e.g., “wee,” “bairn,” “gonnae.”“He was a wee lad, aye, and kept sayin’ I’m out o’ work.”
Ellipsis & PausesUses “…” and commas sparingly to hint at breathes and hesitation.“…and then I… I’m not sure whether you seen him.”
Delete Excess ‘Editing’No quotation marks in many passages; dialogue bleeds into narration.He said he was angry, but I could see he was scared too.
Repetition & StutteringMimics common speech patterns (e.g., “I… I don’t know”).“I’m not— I’m not sure what you’re gettin’ at.”

These choices make the reader hear the speaker’s voice while still being able to follow the narrative thread.

4. Step‑by‑Step Guide: How to Approximate Spoken Language in Your Own Writing

4.1. Listen First – Build an Auditory Archive

  1. Eavesdrop (ethically!). Sit in a café, a bus, or a community center and note how people start, stop, and finish sentences.
  2. Record & Transcribe. Use a phone recorder for 2‑minute conversations (with permission) and transcribe them verbatim.
  3. Identify Patterns. Look for:
    • Common fillers: “uh,” “you know,” “like”
    • Sentence truncations: “I was thinking… maybe we should…”
    • Regionalisms: “y’all,” “aye,” “bairn”

SEO tip: Create a searchable spreadsheet titled “spoken‑language‑archive” and tag each entry with dialect, filler, rhythm—later you can reference this in future blog posts or FAQs.

4.2. Choose the Right Level of Realism

Realism LevelWhen to UseHow to Implement
High (verbatim speech)Short scenes, comedic effect, authenticity-critical (e.g., a Glasgow bar).Keep most fillers, false starts, and dialect.
Medium (filtered speech)Main narrative scenes where clarity is essential.Trim excess filler, keep a few dialect words for flavor.
Low (stylized speech)Exposition or “high‑concept” dialogue where pacing is crucial.Use clean, concise sentences; sprinkle occasional colloquialism.

4.3. Draft the Dialogue in “Speech‑First” Mode

  1. Write as you would speak. Forget about punctuation for a moment; just get the words down.
  2. Read aloud. If it feels unnatural, adjust.
  3. Mark pauses & interruptions using placeholders: ... for breath, — for abrupt stops.

Example:

Original draft: “I think we should— actually, never mind, you know what I mean, right?”
Speech‑first: “I think we should… actually, never mind—you know what I mean, right?”

4.4. Apply Kelman‑Inspired Formatting

Kelman TechniqueHow to Use ItWhen to Tighten
Minimal punctuationDrop unnecessary commas or hyphens; allow thoughts to run together.In internal monologues or stream‑of‑consciousness.
No quotation marksUse italics or simply integrate speech into narration.When you want a blurred line between thought and speech (e.g., a character’s inner voice).
Dialect spelling sparinglySpell only the most distinctive words (“wee,” “bairn”). Keep the rest standard to aid readability.In dialogue tags or descriptive beats.
Ellipsis for hesitationUse … to replace “um,” “uh,” or thinking pauses.In moments of uncertainty or tension.

Tip: Run a readability test (Flesch‑Kincaid) after applying these changes. If the score drops dramatically, re‑introduce a few commas or full stops for balance.

4.5. Edit for Clarity—Never for “Correctness”

  1. Strip redundant filler that adds no character insight.
  2. Preserve purposeful slang that signals class, region, or age.
  3. Check for comprehension by reading the scene to someone unfamiliar with the dialect; if they can follow the gist, you’ve succeeded.

4.6. Polish with Narrative Integration

  • Blend speech and description to keep the scene moving.
  • Show, don’t tell – let a character’s accent reveal their background without explicit exposition.

Example (Kelman‑style):

“Aye, it’s a cold night,” I muttered, fingers digging into the pocket of my tattered coat, the wool biting my skin like a cheap reminder of the factory’s heat.

5. Practical Exercises (Try Them Now)

ExerciseGoalTime Commitment
1. “One‑Minute Monologue”Capture a single character’s voice in 150 words.10 min
2. “Dialect Swap”Rewrite a famous literary dialogue (e.g., from Pride and Prejudice) using a modern regional dialect of your choice.20 min
3. “Ellipsis Audit”Take a 500‑word scene and replace every um/uh with an ellipsis or dash.15 min
4. “Kelman‑Style Paraphrase”Choose a paragraph from a novel and rewrite it using minimal punctuation and no quotation marks, emulating Kelman’s style.20 min

Document your results in a blog post series titled “Learning Spoken Language with [Your Name]”. Not only does this create shareable content (great for SEO), it also provides a portfolio of your evolving craft.

6. Common Mistakes & How to Fix Them

MistakeWhy It HappensFix
Over‑dialectizing – Every word is spelled phonetically.Fear of “not sounding authentic enough.”Keep dialect to key lexical items, leave the rest in standard spelling.
Long, unpunctuated walls of textTrying too hard to mimic stream‑of‑consciousness.Insert strategic line breaks and occasional punctuation for breath.
Using slang that dates the textRelying on trends that may become obsolete.Favor timeless regional terms (e.g., “wee” vs. “lit”).
Inconsistent voice between charactersNot tracking each character’s unique speech patterns.Build a voice sheet: list each character’s filler words, dialect markers, and rhythm.

7. SEO Checklist – Making Your Post Discoverable

ElementAction
Primary Keyword“approximate spoken language” – use in title, first paragraph, H2, and once in the conclusion.
Secondary Keywords“James Kelman dialogue,” “realistic speech in fiction,” “dialect in literature,” “writing natural dialogue.”
Meta Description≤ 155 characters, include primary keyword.
Header TagsH1 (title), H2 for each major section, H3 for sub‑points.
Internal LinksLink to related posts: “How to Write Authentic Dialect,” “Top 5 Authors Who Use Real Speech.”
External LinksCite a reputable source on Kelman (e.g., The Booker Prize page) and a linguistic article on spoken‑language transcription.
ImagesAdd a royalty‑free photo of a Glasgow street scene, alt‑text: “Glasgow backdrop illustrating James Kelman’s dialect.”
ReadabilityAim for Flesch‑Kincaid grade 8–10; use short sentences for instructions, longer for analysis.
Social SnippetsCreate a tweetable quote: “Kelman’s dialogue reads like a live recording—learn how to make your characters speak like real people.”

8. Conclusion

Approximating spoken language isn’t about reproducing every “uh” and “like” that crosses our lips. It’s a strategic craft that balances authenticity with narrative clarity. James Kelman shows us that dialect, rhythm, and minimal punctuation can turn ordinary prose into an audible experience that resonates with readers on a visceral level.

By listening first, choosing the right realism level, drafting in speech‑first mode, and polishing with purposeful formatting, you’ll be able to write dialogue that feels as natural as the conversations happening right now—maybe even on the street outside the café where you’re writing.

Ready to let your characters speak? Grab your notebook, hit the streets, and start transcribing the world’s endless chorus of voices. Your readers (and search engines) will thank you.

Quick Reference: 5‑Step Cheat Sheet

  1. Listen & Record – Build an audio archive of real speech.
  2. Identify Patterns – Note fillers, pauses, regional words.
  3. Draft “Speech‑First” – Write like you talk, then read aloud.
  4. Apply Kelman Techniques – Minimal punctuation, selective dialect, ellipsis for hesitation.
  5. Edit for Clarity – Trim unnecessary filler, ensure readability, test with an unfamiliar reader.

Use this cheat sheet whenever you start a new dialogue‑heavy scene, and watch your characters come alive with the authentic, spoken timbre that only a few modern writers dare to master.

Happy writing, and may your prose always sound as if it’s being spoken in the moment!

…

“The Devil You Don’t”, she was the girl you would not take home to your mother!

Now only $0.99 at https://amzn.to/2Xyh1ow

…

John Pennington’s life is in the doldrums. Looking for new opportunities and prevaricating about getting married, the only joy on the horizon was an upcoming visit to his grandmother in Sorrento, Italy.

Suddenly, he is left at the check-in counter with a message on his phone telling him the marriage is off, and the relationship is over.

If only he hadn’t promised a friend he would do a favour for him in Rome.

At the first stop, Geneva, he has a chance encounter with Zoe, an intriguing woman who captures his imagination from the moment she boards the Savoire, and his life ventures into uncharted territory in more ways than one.

That ‘favour’ for his friend suddenly becomes a life-changing event, and when Zoe, the woman who he knows is too good to be true, reappears, danger and death follow.

Shot at, lied to, seduced, and drawn into a world where nothing is what it seems, John is dragged into an adrenaline-charged undertaking, where he may have been wiser to stay with the ‘devil you know’ rather than opt for the ‘devil you don’t’.

newdevilcvr6

365 Days of Writing, 2026 – 259

Day 259 – How to approximate spoken language

…

How to Approximate Spoken Language in Fiction – A Practical Guide Using James Kelman’s Novels

Meta Description: Learn to capture the rhythm, tone, and authenticity of real speech in your writing. This step‑by‑step guide uses James Kelman’s groundbreaking novels as a live case study, with SEO‑friendly tips for mastering spoken language on the page.

Introduction

When a reader opens a novel, the most immediate test of its credibility is the dialogue. Does it sound like a casual conversation you might overhear at a pub, or does it feel like a rehearsed script? Approximating spoken language—the art of making prose sound like real speech—adds immediacy, personality, and cultural texture to fiction.

One author who has turned this technique into a literary trademark is James Kelman, the Scottish Booker‑prize‑winning novelist known for his unapologetically raw, Glaswegian voice. Kelman’s work is a masterclass in how to translate the cadences, slang, and interruptions of everyday talk into page‑bound narrative without sacrificing readability.

In this post we’ll break down:

  • The why behind mimicking spoken language.
  • The common pitfalls that can turn authentic dialogue into unreadable gibberish.
  • Kelman’s toolkit—the specific techniques he uses to make his prose feel like a live conversation.
  • A step‑by‑step workflow you can apply to your own manuscript.

By the end, you’ll have a concrete, SEO‑friendly roadmap for writing dialogue that sounds like it’s being spoken right now—just like Kelman’s characters.

1. Why Approximate Spoken Language?

BenefitExplanationSEO Keywords
AuthenticityReaders instantly trust characters whose speech matches the social setting they belong to.authentic dialogue, realistic speech
Voice & IdentityDialect, rhythm, and filler words give each character a distinct fingerprint.character voice, literary dialect
ImmersionReal‑time speech creates an “in‑the‑room” sensation, deepening narrative immersion.immersive storytelling, natural speech in fiction
Cultural ContextLanguage is a cultural artifact; capturing it grounds the story in a specific place and time.regional dialects, Scottish speech

In short, approximating spoken language bridges the gap between reader and character, turning passive consumption into an active, almost conversational experience.

2. The Challenges of Writing “Real” Speech

Even though we all speak every day, transcribing that experience into text is a delicate balancing act. Here are the three biggest hurdles:

  1. Clarity vs. Verisimilitude – Raw speech includes false starts, repetitions, and unfinished thoughts. Too much of this can obscure the plot.
  2. Readability – Over‑use of slang or non‑standard spelling can alienate readers unfamiliar with the dialect.
  3. Pacing – Dialogue that mimics spoken rhythm can affect the overall pacing of a scene.

Understanding these challenges helps you apply Kelman’s solutions rather than reinventing the wheel.

3. James Kelman: A Case Study in Spoken‑Language Approximation

3.1. Who is James Kelman?

  • Born: 1946, Glasgow, Scotland
  • Major Works: How Late It Was, How Late (1994), The Busconductor (1985), A Disappearing Number (1995)
  • Accolades: Booker Prize (1994) for How Late It Was, How Late

Kelman grew up speaking Glaswegian, a working‑class Scottish dialect that is often dismissed as “unintelligible” outside its region. Instead of sanitizing it, Kelman preserves its rough edges, using the dialect as a political tool to amplify working‑class voices.

3.2. Core Techniques Kelman Employs

TechniqueDescriptionExample (from How Late It Was, How Late)
Stream‑of‑Consciousness PunctuationMinimal punctuation, long run‑on sentences that simulate thought flow.“I’m trying to get them, but I’m badly sorry for being slightly at a loss. I ain’t anything but a brain‑and‑stupid little bit for later.”
Dialect‑Specific LexiconKeeps authentic vocabulary, e.g., “wee,” “bairn,” “gonnae.”“He was a wee lad, aye, and kept sayin’ I’m out o’ work.”
Ellipsis & PausesUses “…” and commas sparingly to hint at breathes and hesitation.“…and then I… I’m not sure whether you seen him.”
Delete Excess ‘Editing’No quotation marks in many passages; dialogue bleeds into narration.He said he was angry, but I could see he was scared too.
Repetition & StutteringMimics common speech patterns (e.g., “I… I don’t know”).“I’m not— I’m not sure what you’re gettin’ at.”

These choices make the reader hear the speaker’s voice while still being able to follow the narrative thread.

4. Step‑by‑Step Guide: How to Approximate Spoken Language in Your Own Writing

4.1. Listen First – Build an Auditory Archive

  1. Eavesdrop (ethically!). Sit in a café, a bus, or a community center and note how people start, stop, and finish sentences.
  2. Record & Transcribe. Use a phone recorder for 2‑minute conversations (with permission) and transcribe them verbatim.
  3. Identify Patterns. Look for:
    • Common fillers: “uh,” “you know,” “like”
    • Sentence truncations: “I was thinking… maybe we should…”
    • Regionalisms: “y’all,” “aye,” “bairn”

SEO tip: Create a searchable spreadsheet titled “spoken‑language‑archive” and tag each entry with dialect, filler, rhythm—later you can reference this in future blog posts or FAQs.

4.2. Choose the Right Level of Realism

Realism LevelWhen to UseHow to Implement
High (verbatim speech)Short scenes, comedic effect, authenticity-critical (e.g., a Glasgow bar).Keep most fillers, false starts, and dialect.
Medium (filtered speech)Main narrative scenes where clarity is essential.Trim excess filler, keep a few dialect words for flavor.
Low (stylized speech)Exposition or “high‑concept” dialogue where pacing is crucial.Use clean, concise sentences; sprinkle occasional colloquialism.

4.3. Draft the Dialogue in “Speech‑First” Mode

  1. Write as you would speak. Forget about punctuation for a moment; just get the words down.
  2. Read aloud. If it feels unnatural, adjust.
  3. Mark pauses & interruptions using placeholders: ... for breath, — for abrupt stops.

Example:

Original draft: “I think we should— actually, never mind, you know what I mean, right?”
Speech‑first: “I think we should… actually, never mind—you know what I mean, right?”

4.4. Apply Kelman‑Inspired Formatting

Kelman TechniqueHow to Use ItWhen to Tighten
Minimal punctuationDrop unnecessary commas or hyphens; allow thoughts to run together.In internal monologues or stream‑of‑consciousness.
No quotation marksUse italics or simply integrate speech into narration.When you want a blurred line between thought and speech (e.g., a character’s inner voice).
Dialect spelling sparinglySpell only the most distinctive words (“wee,” “bairn”). Keep the rest standard to aid readability.In dialogue tags or descriptive beats.
Ellipsis for hesitationUse … to replace “um,” “uh,” or thinking pauses.In moments of uncertainty or tension.

Tip: Run a readability test (Flesch‑Kincaid) after applying these changes. If the score drops dramatically, re‑introduce a few commas or full stops for balance.

4.5. Edit for Clarity—Never for “Correctness”

  1. Strip redundant filler that adds no character insight.
  2. Preserve purposeful slang that signals class, region, or age.
  3. Check for comprehension by reading the scene to someone unfamiliar with the dialect; if they can follow the gist, you’ve succeeded.

4.6. Polish with Narrative Integration

  • Blend speech and description to keep the scene moving.
  • Show, don’t tell – let a character’s accent reveal their background without explicit exposition.

Example (Kelman‑style):

“Aye, it’s a cold night,” I muttered, fingers digging into the pocket of my tattered coat, the wool biting my skin like a cheap reminder of the factory’s heat.

5. Practical Exercises (Try Them Now)

ExerciseGoalTime Commitment
1. “One‑Minute Monologue”Capture a single character’s voice in 150 words.10 min
2. “Dialect Swap”Rewrite a famous literary dialogue (e.g., from Pride and Prejudice) using a modern regional dialect of your choice.20 min
3. “Ellipsis Audit”Take a 500‑word scene and replace every um/uh with an ellipsis or dash.15 min
4. “Kelman‑Style Paraphrase”Choose a paragraph from a novel and rewrite it using minimal punctuation and no quotation marks, emulating Kelman’s style.20 min

Document your results in a blog post series titled “Learning Spoken Language with [Your Name]”. Not only does this create shareable content (great for SEO), it also provides a portfolio of your evolving craft.

6. Common Mistakes & How to Fix Them

MistakeWhy It HappensFix
Over‑dialectizing – Every word is spelled phonetically.Fear of “not sounding authentic enough.”Keep dialect to key lexical items, leave the rest in standard spelling.
Long, unpunctuated walls of textTrying too hard to mimic stream‑of‑consciousness.Insert strategic line breaks and occasional punctuation for breath.
Using slang that dates the textRelying on trends that may become obsolete.Favor timeless regional terms (e.g., “wee” vs. “lit”).
Inconsistent voice between charactersNot tracking each character’s unique speech patterns.Build a voice sheet: list each character’s filler words, dialect markers, and rhythm.

7. SEO Checklist – Making Your Post Discoverable

ElementAction
Primary Keyword“approximate spoken language” – use in title, first paragraph, H2, and once in the conclusion.
Secondary Keywords“James Kelman dialogue,” “realistic speech in fiction,” “dialect in literature,” “writing natural dialogue.”
Meta Description≤ 155 characters, include primary keyword.
Header TagsH1 (title), H2 for each major section, H3 for sub‑points.
Internal LinksLink to related posts: “How to Write Authentic Dialect,” “Top 5 Authors Who Use Real Speech.”
External LinksCite a reputable source on Kelman (e.g., The Booker Prize page) and a linguistic article on spoken‑language transcription.
ImagesAdd a royalty‑free photo of a Glasgow street scene, alt‑text: “Glasgow backdrop illustrating James Kelman’s dialect.”
ReadabilityAim for Flesch‑Kincaid grade 8–10; use short sentences for instructions, longer for analysis.
Social SnippetsCreate a tweetable quote: “Kelman’s dialogue reads like a live recording—learn how to make your characters speak like real people.”

8. Conclusion

Approximating spoken language isn’t about reproducing every “uh” and “like” that crosses our lips. It’s a strategic craft that balances authenticity with narrative clarity. James Kelman shows us that dialect, rhythm, and minimal punctuation can turn ordinary prose into an audible experience that resonates with readers on a visceral level.

By listening first, choosing the right realism level, drafting in speech‑first mode, and polishing with purposeful formatting, you’ll be able to write dialogue that feels as natural as the conversations happening right now—maybe even on the street outside the café where you’re writing.

Ready to let your characters speak? Grab your notebook, hit the streets, and start transcribing the world’s endless chorus of voices. Your readers (and search engines) will thank you.

Quick Reference: 5‑Step Cheat Sheet

  1. Listen & Record – Build an audio archive of real speech.
  2. Identify Patterns – Note fillers, pauses, regional words.
  3. Draft “Speech‑First” – Write like you talk, then read aloud.
  4. Apply Kelman Techniques – Minimal punctuation, selective dialect, ellipsis for hesitation.
  5. Edit for Clarity – Trim unnecessary filler, ensure readability, test with an unfamiliar reader.

Use this cheat sheet whenever you start a new dialogue‑heavy scene, and watch your characters come alive with the authentic, spoken timbre that only a few modern writers dare to master.

Happy writing, and may your prose always sound as if it’s being spoken in the moment!

…

Another excerpt from “Strangers We’ve Become” – A sequel to ‘What Sets Us Apart’

…

It was the first time in almost a week that I made the short walk to the cafe alone.  It was early, and the chill of the morning was still in the air.  In summer, it was the best time of the day.  When Susan came with me, it was usually much later, when the day was much warmer and less tolerable.

On the morning of the third day of her visit, Susan said she was missing the hustle and bustle of London, and by the end of the fourth she said, in not so many words, she was over being away from ‘civilisation’.  This was a side of her I had not seen before, and it surprised me.

She hadn’t complained, but it was making her irritable.  The Susan that morning was vastly different to the Susan on the first day.  So much, I thought, for her wanting to ‘reconnect’, the word she had used as the reason for coming to Greve unannounced.

It was also the first morning I had time to reflect on her visit and what my feelings were towards her.  It was the reason I’d come to Greve: to soak up the peace and quiet and think about what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

I sat in my usual corner.  Maria, one of two waitresses, came out, stopped, and there was no mistaking the relief in her manner.  There was an air of tension between Susan and Maria I didn’t understand, and it seemed to emanate from Susan rather than the other way around.  I could understand her attitude if it was towards Alisha, but not Maria.  All she did was serve coffee and cake.

When Maria recovered from the momentary surprise, she said, smiling, “You are by yourself?”  She gave a quick glance in the direction of my villa, just to be sure.

“I am this morning.  I’m afraid the heat, for one who is not used to it, can be quite debilitating.  I’m also afraid it has had a bad effect on her manners, for which I apologise.  I cannot explain why she has been so rude to you.”

“You do not have to apologise for her, David, but it is of no consequence to me.  I have had a lot worse.  I think she is simply jealous.”

It had crossed my mind, but there was no reason for her to be.  “Why?”

“She is a woman, I am a woman, she thinks because you and I are friends, there is something between us.”

It made sense, even if it was not true.  “Perhaps if I explained…”

Maria shook her head.  “If there is a hole in the boat, you should not keep bailing but try to plug the hole.  My grandfather had many expressions, David.  If I may give you one piece of advice, as much as it is none of my business, you need to make your feelings known, and if they are not as they once were, and I think they are not, you need to tell her.  Before she goes home.”

Interesting advice.  Not only a purveyor of excellent coffee, but Maria was also a psychiatrist who had astutely worked out my dilemma.  What was that expression, ‘not just a pretty face’?

“Is she leaving soon?” I asked, thinking Maria knew more about Susan’s movements than I did.

“You would disappoint me if you had not suspected as much.  Susan was having coffee and talking to someone in her office on a cell phone.  It was an intense conversation.  I should not eavesdrop, but she said being here was like being stuck in hell.  It is a pity she does not share your love for our little piece of paradise, is it not?”

“It is indeed.  And you’re right.  She said she didn’t have a phone, but I know she has one.  She just doesn’t value the idea of getting away from the office.  Perhaps her role doesn’t afford her that luxury.”

And perhaps Alisha was right about Maria, that I should be more careful.  She had liked Maria the moment she saw her.  We had sat at this very table, the first day I arrived.  I would have travelled alone, but Prendergast, my old boss, liked to know where ex-employees of the Department were, and what they were doing.

She sighed.  “I am glad I am just a waitress.  Your usual coffee and cake?”

“Yes, please.”

Several months had passed since we had rescued Susan from her despotic father; she had recovered faster than we had thought, and settled into her role as the new Lady Featherington, though she preferred not to use that title, but go by the name of Lady Susan Cheney.

I didn’t get to be a Lord, or have any title, not that I was expecting one.  What I had expected was that Susan, once she found her footing as head of what seemed to be a commercial empire, would not have time for details like husbands, particularly when our agreement made before the wedding gave either of us the right to end it.

There was a moment when I visited her recovering in the hospital, where I was going to give her the out, but I didn’t, and she had not invoked it.  We were still married, just not living together.

This visit was one where she wanted to ‘reconnect’ as she called it, and invite me to come home with her.  She saw no reason why we could not resume our relationship, conveniently forgetting she indirectly had me arrested for her murder, charges both her mother and Lucy vigorously pursued, and had the clone not returned to save me, I might still be in jail.

It was not something I would forgive or forget any time soon.

There were other reasons why I was reluctant to stay with her, like forgetting small details, an irregularity in her character I found odd.  She looked the same, she sounded the same, she basically acted the same, but my mind was telling me something was not right.  It was not the Susan I first met, even allowing for the ordeal she had been subjected to.

But, despite those misgivings, there was no question in my mind that I still loved her, and her clandestine arrival had brought back all those feelings.  But as the days passed, I began to get the impression my feelings were one-sided and she was just going through the motions.

Which brought me to the last argument, earlier, where I said if I went with her, it would be business meetings, social obligations, and quite simply her ‘celebrity’ status that would keep us apart.  I reminded her that I had said from the outset I didn’t like the idea of being in the spotlight, and when I reiterated it, she simply brushed it off as just part of the job, adding rather strangely that I always looked good in a suit.  The flippancy of that comment was the last straw, and I left before I said something I would regret.

I knew I was not a priority.  Maybe somewhere inside me, I had wanted to be a priority, and I was disappointed when I was not.

And finally, there was Alisha.  Susan, at the height of the argument, had intimated she believed I had an affair with her, but that elephant was always in the room whenever Alisha was around.  It was no surprise when I learned Susan had asked Prendergast to reassign her to other duties. 

At least I knew what my feelings for Alisha were, and there were times when I had to remember she was persona non grata.  Perhaps that was why Susan had her banished, but, again, a small detail; jealousy was not one of Susan’s traits when I first knew her.

Perhaps it was time to set Susan free.

When I swung around to look in the direction of the lane where my villa was, I saw Susan.  She was formally dressed, not in her ‘tourist’ clothes, which she had bought from one of the local clothing stores.  We had fun that day, shopping for clothes, a chore I’d always hated.  It had been followed by a leisurely lunch, lots of wine and soul searching.

It was the reason why I sat in this corner; old habits die hard.  I could see trouble coming from all directions, not that Susan was trouble or at least I hoped not, but it allowed me the time to watch her walking towards the cafe in what appeared to be short, angry steps; perhaps the culmination of the heat wave and our last argument.

She glared at me as she sat, dropping her bag beside her on the ground, where I could see the cell phone sitting on top.  She followed my glance down, and then she looked unrepentant back at me.

Maria came back at the exact moment she was going to speak.  I noticed Maria hesitate for a second when she saw Susan, then put her smile in place to deliver my coffee.

Neither spoke nor looked at each other.  I said, “Susan will have what I’m having, thanks.”

Maria nodded and left.

“Now,” I said, leaning back in my seat, “I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation as to why you didn’t tell me about the phone, but that first time you disappeared, I’d guessed you needed to keep in touch with your business interests.  I thought it somewhat unwisethat you should come out when the board of one of your companies was trying to remove you, because of what was it, an unexplained absence?  All you had to do was tell me there were problems and you needed to remain at home to resolve them.”

My comment elicited a sideways look, with a touch of surprise.

“It was unfortunate timing on their behalf, and I didn’t want you to think everything else was more important than us.  There were issues before I came, and I thought the people at home would be able to manage without me for at least a week, but I was wrong.”

“Why come at all.  A phone call would have sufficed.”

“I had to see you, talk to you.  At least we have had a chance to do that.  I’m sorry about yesterday.  I once told you I would not become my mother, but I’m afraid I sounded just like her.  I misjudged just how much this role would affect me, and truly, I’m sorry.”

An apology was the last thing I expected.

“You have a lot of work to do catching up after being away, and of course, in replacing your mother and gaining the requisite respect as the new Lady Featherington.  I think it would be for the best if I were not another distraction.  We have plenty of time to reacquaint ourselves when you get past all these teething issues.”

“You’re not coming with me?”  She sounded disappointed.

“I think it would be for the best if I didn’t.”

“Why?”

“It should come as no surprise to you that I’ve been keeping an eye on your progress.  You are so much better doing your job without me.  I told your mother once that when the time came I would not like the responsibilities of being your husband.  Now that I have seen what it could possibly entail, I like it even less.  You might also want to reconsider our arrangement, after all, we only had a marriage of convenience, and now that those obligations have been fulfilled, we both have the option of terminating it.  I won’t make things difficult for you if that’s what you want.”

It was yet another anomaly, I thought; she should look distressed, and I would raise the matter of that arrangement.  Perhaps she had forgotten the finer points.  I, on the other hand, had always known we would not last forever.  The perplexed expression, to me, was a sign she might have forgotten.

Then, her expression changed.  “Is that what you want?”

“I wasn’t madly in love with you when we made that arrangement, so it was easy to agree to your terms, but inexplicably, since then, my feelings for you changed, and I would be sad if we parted ways.  But the truth is, I can’t see how this is going to work.”

“In saying that, do you think I don’t care for you?”

That was exactly what I was thinking, but I wasn’t going to voice that opinion out loud.  “You spent a lot of time finding new ways to make my life miserable, Susan.  You and that wretched friend of yours, Lucy.  While your attitude improved after we were married, that was because you were going to use me when you went to see your father, and then almost let me go to prison for your murder.”

“I had nothing to do with that, other than to leave, and I didn’t agree with Lucy that you should be made responsible for my disappearance.  I cannot be held responsible for the actions of my mother.  She hated you; Lucy didn’t understand you, and Millie told me I was stupid for not loving you in return, and she was right.  Why do you think I gave you such a hard time?  You made it impossible not to fall in love with you, and it nearly changed my mind about everything I’d been planning so meticulously.  But perhaps there was a more subliminal reason why I did because after I left, I wanted to believe, if anything went wrong, you would come and find me.”

“How could you possibly know that I’d even consider doing something like that, given what you knew about me?”

“Prendergast made a passing comment when my mother asked him about you; he told us you were very good at finding people and even better at fixing problems.”

“And yet here we are, one argument away from ending it.”

I could see Maria hovering, waiting for the right moment to deliver her coffee, then go back and find Gianna, the café owner, instead.  Gianna was more abrupt and, for that reason, was rarely seen serving the customers.  Today, she was particularly cantankerous, banging the cake dish on the table and frowning at Susan before returning to her kitchen.  Gianna didn’t like Susan either.

Behind me, I heard a car stop, and when she looked up, I knew it was for her.  She had arrived with nothing, and she was leaving with nothing.

She stood.  “Last chance.”

“Forever?”

She hesitated and then shook away the look of annoyance on her face.  “Of course not.  I wanted you to come back with me so we could continue working on our relationship.  I agree there are problems, but it’s nothing we can’t resolve if we try.”

I had been trying.  “It’s too soon for both of us, Susan.  I need to be able to trust you, and given the circumstances, and all that water under the bridge, I’m not sure if I can yet.”

She frowned at me.  “As you wish.”  She took an envelope out of her bag and put it on the table.  “When you are ready, it’s an open ticket home.  Please make it sooner rather than later.  Despite what you think of me, I have missed you, and I have no intention of ending it between us.”

That said, she glared at me for a minute, shook her head, then walked to the car.  I watched her get in and the car drive slowly away.

No kiss, no touch, no looking back. 

…

© Charles Heath 2018-2025

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