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Some things happen randomly.  Some things are unexplainable.  Some things happen for a reason.

What happened to us didn’t happen for a reason, nor was it random or unexplainable.

Well, not at first.

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I remember that day as if it were yesterday.  I came home from school and there were seven police cars in the street.

I was not sure what I thought from the top of the street, but it wasn’t that the police were in our house.

They were.

I had to plead my case that I actually lived in what they were calling a crime scene.  No one would tell me what happened until a woman about the same age as my mother came out to see what the shouting was about.

I was trying to tell people who wouldn’t listen that it was my house.

I’ll never forget the way she looked down on me like I was dirt beneath her feet.  A person who would want to reach me would have come down to my level.  She did not.

“Who are you making all this noise?”

“I live here.  This is my house.  My father and mother and my sister live here.  Is my mother here?”

“Wait here.”

She went back inside and came back with my mother.  My mother’s face was expressionless, and I only saw that look once before in my life, when she was told her brother had died.

I remembered that day too, and what she said.  ‘Do not trust these English people, they lie, they twist your words.  They say they do not hold grudges, but they never forget.  Never.’

I had no idea what she meant at the time, but seeing the woman and the fact a man was standing close to her as if she were a criminal, was enough.

“Your father is dead.”  It was a simple and succinct statement.  She would say no more until the police left.

The only question in my mind then was who that woman was because she certainly wasn’t the police.  Not the normal police that is.

They said my father committed suicide.  I didn’t get to see the crime scene but was taken to a friends place where my sister was, and we were not allowed to return home for a few days.

My mother had been questioned for three days by both the police and other people, people she thought were security agents, though she had no idea why my father would interest them.

Except, of course, he was German.

We were never asked any questions and allowed back after the house had been cleaned and restored to normalcy.  A day later, when looking for the first time ever, since we were never allowed in his study, I found a small smudge of blood.

It didn’t seem significant.

My mother, our mother, outwardly was the same as she had been, except now, without her husband, she seemed different, not so frightened.  I could see the fear in her eyes every time he came home.  In her eyes and my sisters.  I didn’t know why and didn’t ask.

Not then.

A week passed, and I came home to the same scenario.  Five police cars, flashing lights, and they were at my house.

Again.

I didn’t have to go through the same identification. The policeman at the door knew who I was.

He asked me to wait, and a few minutes later, the same woman came out.

“This is getting to be a regular event,” I said.

“It won’t happen again.  Come inside.”

From the front door, I could see the tail of destruction.  Someone had searched the place and looked everywhere.

And I mean everywhere, down to ripping the plaster off the walks and ripping up floorboards.

“Who would do something like this,” I asked.

“Exactly the question we would ask.  It seems someone thought your father had something worth stealing.  It’s equally obvious by the damage they didn’t find it.”

“That’s because he didn’t have anything.”

She gave me that grown-up, I don’t believe you looked and then took me to my mother.  Equally resolute and angry as the time before.

“You might want to consider moving.  These people might come back.  They did not find what they were looking for.  I suggest you think long and hard about what it might be these people want.”

“I do not know anything about my husband’s business. I did not want to know, and he didn’t tell me.  I never went into his office. None of us did.  We are not being chased out of my home.  My husband did nothing wrong, I have done nothing wrong, and we are not moving anywhere.”

We were forced to stay with a friend while the house was put back together, and life returned to a semblance of normalcy.  An elaborate alarm system provided security so we could sleep at night, but odd noises kept me awake for a long time after.

But they did not come back.  Whoever they were.  At times, I used to think there was a similar car sitting down the street watching us.

In time, it all passed.  In sccprdabc3 with my father’s wishes, I studied engineering and eventually graduated.  My sister eventually married the boy she started dating at university and then moved to France for his work, leaving my mother and me alone.

My mother found a job, something she had not been allowed to do while my father was alive and kept mostly to herself.  We kept the house, and my father’s study exactly as it had been before he died, and life went on.

Then, instead of taking up an appointment at my father’s old engineering company, I changed my mind and decided to do journalism instead.  My mother wasn’t pleased but didn’t try to change my mind.  She just stopped talking to me.

Then, almost to the day, ten years later, it all started again.

This time, the person who broke in hardly left a trace, and everything had been put back, all except one piece of paper.

Whoever it was, they were interrupted because I thought I heard a mouse from downstairs, and instinctively, I knew it was in the study.

At first, I thought it was my mother. She sometimes went down there to read a book. All of the novels on two of the shelves were written in German.

It was not her, but I did see a shadow, and by the time I reached the back door, that shadow had disappeared.  That door had been opened with a key because I had stuffed the lock with a putty substance and fragments if it were on the inside floor under the lock.

Back in the study, I checked the papers in the top drawer, and one was out of place.  In the middle, as if it had been hastily replaced.

I looked at it.  A letter from his father to his son, very short, reminding him to send the book he had recently mentioned.  That was all.

Except…

It could not possibly be from my father’s father he had died many years before the date on the letter.  Or could it?  A fragment of a conversation I overheard a long time ago when my grandparents had visited, came back, a name, and if I was not mistaken, a very familiar name.

I put it back neatly and went back to bed.

I will check everything else that was in the drawers tomorrow.  And I would send a letter to the German Government in charge of Stasi files.  If I was not mistaken, my father’s parents had been stranded in East Germany when the wall went up, and that made my father East German too.

And if that were the case, it would explain everything.

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If you were to ask any child what their first scary memory was, it would more than likely involve a relative.  I think I was unlucky.  I had two, relatives that is, and both were scary.

It might be that they were from a different country, across the sea, and for a child what was a long, long way away.  We were not rich so unless they visited, which as far as I was aware, was once when I was about very young, we never saw them at all.

My only memory of them was that they were tall, dressed in dark clothes, and spoke differently to us, though it surprised me that my mother could speak that way too.  Later I learned a different way was a language called German, and my mother decided to teach me it.  My father wasn’t pleased, especially when she and I spoke in German, because he never bothered to learn it himself.

It should not have come as a surprise that I was told not to annoy them.  Perhaps someone forgot to tell my parents I was a child, and invariably inquisitive, and that we rarely did as we were told.  Pity then that first encounter was fleeting and decidedly unmemorable, and being too young to care, erased the almost from my mind.  I don’t think I endeared myself to them.

Move forward 20 years, and although there were some references to these strange people that my mother referred to as distant and unforgiving members of an intransigent and disinterested family, we had not seen them again, but my mother had travelled to where they lived several times, always returning very upset and angry.

Until one dark and gloomy morning when a letter arrived, delivered to the door by the postman.

That morning she had been putting away some of my father’s stuff in the study, and, being nearest to the front door, went to see who it was.   When I called out to ask her who it was, there was silence, except for the ticking sound of the grandfather clock in the entrance hall.  Yes, it was that loud and, at night, sometimes annoying.

I slowly came down the stairs, unconscious trying to avoid the creaking steps, and stopped at the bottom.

 “Mother.” 

I knew she had been in the study, so I went up the passage and stopped in the doorway.  She was sitting in my father’s chair, something that would have been forbidden, for any of us, when he was alive.

She looked as though she had seen a ghost.

“Is everything alright?”  I could clearly see that it wasn’t.

In her hand was a piece of paper and what I assumed was the envelope it came in on the floor.

She looked up at me.   “Your grandfather is dead.  My mother wants us to go to the funeral.”

Was it significant that she called her father my grandfather, and did not refer to her mother as my grandmother?  But what was more significant was the look on her face was the same as it had been when she had been attacked.

It wasn’t hard to put two and two together; the breaking had something to do with my grandfather, and she had been dreading this day.

“Where?”  It was a question I knew the answer.

“Germany.”

We had in recent times started to have conversations about where she came from and how she arrived in England.  We’d got as far as her mother’s grandparents leaving before the second world war to escape the Nazi regime, how she had returned to Germany as a child and met and married a German engineer, my father, a boy from a good German family approved by her father.  It felt, she said, as if it had all been arranged in her absence, but he had been attentive, polite and generous in those first years before and after marriage.  It was only later he changed.

She said after she married him and they returned to England where he had transferred for his work, that he became a vain and possessive husband who had virtually cut her off from all her friends and relations until his death.  My father’s parents had passed away at the time of the pandemic, much to my mother’s relief, and as for her father, it seemed that he and her mother were more supportive of her husband than her daughter.

Since my father’s death she had been a lot more at ease if not wary of people she didn’t know, although she still tended to prefer her own company.

“Perhaps it would be prudent to simply ignore the letter, pretend you didn’t get it.”

“I had to sign for it.  They are nothing if not thorough in dealing with matters such as this.  It would have been far worse if Gerhardt had been alive.”

“Do you have to go?”

“You know the answer to that question as well as I do.   It might have been better if I had returned to Germany after Gerhardt had died, but I refused, and it resulted in being excommunicated.  I can’t for the life of me understand why I’m being summoned now.  I told them then, when I was leaving, I never wanted to see or speak to them again.  When his parents died and we had to return for the funeral, he wanted to stay there, telling me only after we got there that he was going to transfer back to Germany, and we could live near my parents.  Gerhardt was always their favourite, and when my parents insisted, I obeyed my husband’s wishes I told them my life was in England and I had no intention of moving back to Germany especially anywhere near them.  Gerhard admonished me, taking their side, and I told him in no uncertain terms that if he still wanted to have a wife when he returned to England, he should not speak of the matter again.”

This I was learning for the first time, and it explained the frosty relations on their return, though that had been when I was younger and didn’t understand why grown-ups were always so cranky.

“What would have happened if we had gone back?”

“You would have been taken away from me.”

It was a simple response, but one if I let my imagination run wild could have had any number of connotations.  My father had always told me I was going to be an engineer like him and his father before him.  It was not a request or a suggestion.

It was not what I wanted, but I was terrified of him.

It was only after he died that I was able to switch to a less intense field of study, a journalist, and one day, to become a best-selling author.  It was hardly the occupation of a Schroder would be what he would say in barely restrained anger, his usual mode of addressing me.

“Then we have much to be thankful for.  I guess it means we have to go, but this time I’m old enough to look after you.”

“It may not be that simple.  My family are not noted for being what one might subjectively call normal.”

“Then let’s be unpredictable.”

I remember a few weeks before my father died, he had dragged me into the study and proceeded to give me a dressing down, not for the first time, but that time I had deliberately pushed him. It was the lecture on what the Schroeders stood for, and that was not flippancy.  Then when I back chatted with him, for the first time, he completely lost it.

And wittingly or unwittingly he let slip that family honour went back centuries that generations of his family had served their country proudly in many wars and that if his great-grandfather was alive, I would be shot.  German soldiers, given the wealth and standing of his family, were the chances…

At the time I just didn’t want to think about it.

When she didn’t respond, I said “I think it might be time to let you into a secret.  I have been seeing a girl who works with me at the newspaper.  I didn’t think she liked me but apparently, she does.  And surprise, surprise, she speaks German, as well as French, Spanish, and Russian.  I’ll ask her if she would like to come with us.  They won’t know what hit them.”

For the first time, in the wake of what was the worst news, there was a glimmer of a smile.

“I knew there was something.  Perhaps you are right.”

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©  Charles Heath  2024

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