‘Sunday in New York’ – A beta reader’s view

I’m not a fan of romance novels but …

There was something about this one that resonated with me.

This is a novel about a world generally ruled by perception, and how people perceive what they see, what they are told, and what they want to believe.

I’ve been guilty of it myself as I’m sure we all have at one time or another.

For the main characters Harry and Alison there are other issues driving their relationship.

For Alison, it is a loss of self-worth through losing her job and from losing her mother and, in a sense, her sister.

For Harry, it is the fact he has a beautiful and desirable wife, and his belief she is the object of other men’s desires, and one in particular, his immediate superior.

Between observation, the less than honest motives of his friends, a lot of jumping to conclusions based on very little fact, and you have the basis of one very interesting story.

When it all comes to a head, Alison finds herself in a desperate situation, she realises only the truth will save their marriage.

But is it all the truth?

What would we do in similar circumstances?

Rarely does a book have me so enthralled that I could not put it down until I knew the result. They might be considered two people who should have known better, but as is often the case, they had to get past what they both thought was the truth.

And the moral of this story, if it could be said there is one, nothing is ever what it seems.

Available on Amazon here: amzn.to/2H7ALs8

Writing a book in 365 days – 224

Day 224

The line between them was theoretical and yet was still clearly obvious to anyone with eyes.

Jason was a good friend and a practical person. He had gone through school, achieved good academic grades, and got into the schools that he needed to achieve his lifelong ambition.

He never went outside of his comfort zone and didn’t need to. He had a guardian angel and providence on his side. His parents were predictable, his girlfriend was predictable, and his brothers and sisters were predictable.

His life was on the path.

The only thing about him that was not predictable, and the one thing I couldn’t fathom, was why he bothered to have me as a friend.

I was his absolute polar opposite.

“You’re wasting your time.”

It was another of those conversations over lunch, usually coffee and a cake in a café near the University, where it was more interesting to see the people who came there than those who turned up in the campus café.

I went there because Beatrice went there. I had run into her, literally on the first day, and she had made an indelible impression on me. Then, it just seemed that our paths crossed, at least once a week, sometimes twice.

“One day.”

He gave me another of those withering stares he usually saved for me when I was particularly obtuse, and I could tell he was formulating an insightful response.

“One day you will be in Uzbekistan, and she will be in Azerbaijan, and never the twain shall meet. You truly just don’t get it, do you?”

“I’m irrepressible, she said so.”

“In that one and only conversation that lasted all of ten seconds. She was being polite.”

I looked over to the table on the other side of the cafe, towards the back, by herself, every now and then looking up, towards the entrance, as if she was expecting someone to arrive. Like just then, a swish to brush the hair out of her eyes, a glance towards the door, a deep breath, then back to her studies.

It didn’t matter if I did or didn’t get it; Richie would never believe me. A year and a bit into the four-year degree cycle, I knew that the closest I would get to her was as far as I was away from her now.

We shared several lecture classes, and I had once almost sat next to her, but she had not noticed I existed. I had tried to speak to her, but something always came up: a phone call, a friend, another place to be.

“Well, I’m looking forward to going to Uzbekistan.”

He shook his head, just as his phone vibrated, an incoming message. He pulled the cell phone out of his bag and looked at it, then sighed. “Michelle is still free for Saturday night, and she is within your sphere. Mary wants to know if you’re back in the real world yet?”

Mary was Richie’s girlfriend, and Michelle was her friend, someone who was just like me, choosing people who would never give them a second look for whatever reason.

Richie knew, though, because he was practical. He had the uncanny knack of picking the partner of those he knew, with such alarming accuracy that it was scary. He hadn’t declared positively that Michelle was my perfect match, but it wouldn’t be long.

Another glance in Beatrice’s direction. I could not see what Richie could see, but perhaps that was because I was ‘blind’ to the reality.

There was a line between us, one that everyone else could see but I could not.

Of course, that didn’t mean that I could hope, one day she would notice me.

Everyone had a nemesis, that one person who was put on earth to make your life miserable. All through high school, that nemesis was Jacob. Doors opened when his parents pulled out their chequebook, doors that I could never pass through.

Which, in the end, I was happy about because he was going to a different university, one more prestigious, one that I could never afford. And one I didn’t have to travel to the other side of the country to attend.

But I never gave it a thought that one day, doors would close on him, that money could not make up for the fact that he was not as smart as he thought he was. Not until I saw him arrive one morning a month or so after the second year began.

His excuse? Circumstances dictated that he had to study closer to home. The truth? He had been booted out of his last university, and the one I attended was the only one that would take him.

A few days later, knowing he was looking for me, I went to the cafe and parked myself in the back, not far from where Beatrice usually sat. I could see why she was basically hidden from the front entrance, and she could see everything outside and inside.

And revelling in that thought, I looked up again to see her standing not far from me. It was a look that told me I was sitting in her seat, at her table, and she wasn’t happy.

I shrugged, got up and went to another table, not quite as anonymous, and one where just as I sat, Jacob arrived, saw me, and came straight over.

“I thought I’d find you here. Hiding away among the losers.”

“Doesn’t say much for you then.” He didn’t get the inference.

“I hear you’re struggling.”

I’m not sure how he could know that unless his father was on first-name terms with the Dean.

“I know you flunked out at your last university, and this is your last hope.”

That wiped the smirk off his face. He was going to give me one of his trademark put-downs, but noticed Beatrice instead. He had always considered himself God’s gift to women, and had a manner that reviled most whom he spoke to, but that didn’t mean he readily accepted they could not immediately fall in love with him.

It amused me that his prom date had agreed to go with him, allowed him to get her an expensive dress and accoutrements, and then left him standing at the front entrance waiting for her to never arrive. It was the best day of my life, as bad as that sounds.

“Excuse me,” he muttered as he got up and walked confidently over to her table.

I watched in utter fascination. I could, all of a sudden, see that line that Richie often spoke about.

At first, she didn’t bother to look at him, standing by her table. Waiting. Waiting for what? An invitation to sit? She would never give him, or anyone else, one.

He waited a minute, shifting impatiently from one foot to the other. Then, “Excuse me?”

She took a few seconds before lifting her head, then giving him her trademark death stare. “What did you do?”

He sucked in a breath. Annoyance. “I didn’t do anything. I thought I would introduce myself. Jacob Stawinski. Anything you want, anything you need, I’m your man.”

She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, “Yes. There is something I want.”

“Name it?”

“I want you to go away and never come back. Think you could do that for me?”

The expression on his face was priceless. For an egotist like him, that sort of rejection was poison. He didn’t look at her, he didn’t look around, he didn’t know what to do with himself, so he left, quickly, before anyone realised what had happened.

And, of course, in that short amount of time, I saw the truth of Richie’s statement. There was a line, invisible as it was, but as clear as day. That would have been me if I had tried as he had. She was simply here to learn and then go home.

I picked up my phone and dialled Richie’s number. When he answered, I said, “Tell Michelle I’ll be happy to take her to the party.

©  Charles Heath  2025

An excerpt from “Echoes from the Past”

Available on Amazon Kindle here:  https://amzn.to/2CYKxu4

With my attention elsewhere, I walked into a man who was hurrying in the opposite direction.  He was a big man with a scar running down the left side of his face from eye socket to mouth, and who was also wearing a black shirt with a red tie.

That was all I remembered as my heart almost stopped.

He apologized as he stepped to one side, the same way I stepped, as I also muttered an apology.

I kept my eyes down.  He was not the sort of man I wanted to recognize later in a lineup.  I stepped to the other side and so did he.  It was one of those situations.  Finally getting out of sync, he kept going in his direction, and I towards the bus, which was now pulling away from the curb.

Getting my breath back, I just stood riveted to the spot watching it join the traffic.  I looked back over my shoulder, but the man I’d run into had gone.  I shrugged and looked at my watch.  It would be a few minutes before the next bus arrived.

Wait, or walk?  I could also go by subway, but it was a long walk to the station.  What the hell, I needed the exercise.

At the first intersection, the ‘Walk’ sign had just flashed to ‘Don’t Walk’.  I thought I’d save a few minutes by not waiting for the next green light.  As I stepped onto the road, I heard the screeching of tires.

A yellow car stopped inches from me.

It was a high powered sports car, perhaps a Lamborghini.  I knew what they looked like because Marcus Bartleby owned one, as did every other junior executive in the city with a rich father.

Everyone stopped to look at me, then the car.  It was that sort of car.  I could see the driver through the windscreen shaking his fist, and I could see he was yelling too, but I couldn’t hear him.  I stepped back onto the sidewalk, and he drove on.  The moment had passed and everyone went back to their business.

My heart rate hadn’t come down from the last encounter.   Now it was approaching cardiac arrest, so I took a few minutes and several sets of lights to regain composure.

At the next intersection, I waited for the green light, and then a few seconds more, just to be sure.  I was no longer in a hurry.

At the next, I heard what sounded like a gunshot.  A few people looked around, worried expressions on their faces, but when it happened again, I saw it was an old car backfiring.  I also saw another yellow car, much the same as the one before, stopped on the side of the road.  I thought nothing of it, other than it was the second yellow car I’d seen.

At the next intersection, I realized I was subconsciously heading towards Harry’s new bar.   It was somewhere on 6th Avenue, so I continued walking in what I thought was the right direction.

I don’t know why I looked behind me at the next intersection, but I did.  There was another yellow car on the side of the road, not far from me.  It, too, looked the same as the original Lamborghini, and I was starting to think it was not a coincidence.

Moments after crossing the road, I heard the roar of a sports car engine and saw the yellow car accelerate past me.  As it passed by, I saw there were two people in it, and the blurry image of the passenger; a large man with a red tie.

Now my imagination was playing tricks.

It could not be the same man.  He was going in a different direction.

In the few minutes I’d been standing on the pavement, it had started to snow; early for this time of year, and marking the start of what could be a long cold winter.  I shuddered, and it was not necessarily because of the temperature.

I looked up and saw a neon light advertising a bar, coincidentally the one Harry had ‘found’ and, looking once in the direction of the departing yellow car, I decided to go in.  I would have a few drinks and then leave by the back door if it had one.

Just in case.

© Charles Heath 2015-2020

newechocover5rs

Inspiration, maybe – Volume 1

50 photographs, 50 stories, of which there is one of the 50 below.

They all start with –

A picture paints … well, as many words as you like.  For instance:

lookingdownfromcoronetpeak

And the story:

It was once said that a desperate man has everything to lose.

The man I was chasing was desperate, but I, on the other hand, was more desperate to catch him.

He’d left a trail of dead people from one end of the island to the other.

The team had put in a lot of effort to locate him, and now his capture was imminent.  We were following the car he was in, from a discrete distance, and, at the appropriate time, we would catch up, pull him over, and make the arrest.

There was nowhere for him to go.

The road led to a dead-end, and the only way off the mountain was back down the road were now on.  Which was why I was somewhat surprised when we discovered where he was.

Where was he going?

“Damn,” I heard Alan mutter.  He was driving, being careful not to get too close, but not far enough away to lose sight of him.

“What?”

“I think he’s made us.”

“How?”

“Dumb bad luck, I’m guessing.  Or he expected we’d follow him up the mountain.  He’s just sped up.”

“How far away?”

“A half-mile.  We should see him higher up when we turn the next corner.”

It took an eternity to get there, and when we did, Alan was right, only he was further on than we thought.”

“Step on it.  Let’s catch him up before he gets to the top.”

Easy to say, not so easy to do.  The road was treacherous, and in places just gravel, and there were no guard rails to stop a three thousand footfall down the mountainside.

Good thing then I had the foresight to have three agents on the hill for just such a scenario.

Ten minutes later, we were in sight of the car, still moving quickly, but we were going slightly faster.  We’d catch up just short of the summit car park.

Or so we thought.

Coming quickly around another corner we almost slammed into the car we’d been chasing.

“What the hell…” Aland muttered.

I was out of the car, and over to see if he was in it, but I knew that it was only a slender possibility.  The car was empty, and no indication where he went.

Certainly not up the road.  It was relatively straightforward for the next mile, at which we would have reached the summit.  Up the mountainside from here, or down.

I looked up.  Nothing.

Alan yelled out, “He’s not going down, not that I can see, but if he did, there’s hardly a foothold and that’s a long fall.”

Then where did he go?

Then a man looking very much like our quarry came out from behind a rock embedded just a short distance up the hill.

“Sorry,” he said quite calmly.  “Had to go if you know what I mean.”

I’d lost him.

It was as simple as that.

I had been led a merry chase up the hill, and all the time he was getting away in a different direction.

I’d fallen for the oldest trick in the book, letting my desperation blind me to the disguise that anyone else would see through in an instant.

It was a lonely sight, looking down that road, knowing that I had to go all that way down again, only this time, without having to throw caution to the wind.

“Maybe next time,” Alan said.

“We’ll get him.  It’s just a matter of time.”

© Charles Heath 2019-2021

Find this and other stories in “Inspiration, maybe”  available soon.

InspirationMaybe1v1

“Do you believe in g..g..ghosts…?”, a short story

Inside the old building, it was very quiet and almost cold.

Strange, perhaps, because outside the temperature was bordering on the record hottest day ever, nearly 45 degrees centigrade.

The people who’d built this building nearly a hundred years before must have known how to keep that heat at bay, using sandstone.

Back then, the sandstone would have looked very impressive, but now after many years of being closed off and left abandoned, the outside was stained by modern-day pollutants giving it a black streaky look, and inside layers of dust, easily stirred up as we walked slowly into the main foyer.

It was huge, the roof, ornate, with four huge chandelier lights hanging down, and wood paneling, giving way to a long counter with brass serving cages highlighting its former use; a bank.

In its day it would have conveyed the power and wealth so that its customers could trust the money to. Of course, that was before the global economy, online banking, and a raft of the new and different institutions all vying for that same money.

Then it was a simple choice of a few, now it was a few thousand.

“How many years had this been closed up?” I asked.

“Close to twenty, maybe twenty-five. It was supposed to be pulled down, but someone got it on the heritage list, and that put an end to it. “

Phil was the history nut. He’s spent a month looking into the building, finding construction plans, and correspondence dating back to before and during the construction.

Building methods, he said, that didn’t exist today and were far in advance of anything of its type for the period. It was the reason we were standing in the foyer now.

We were budding civil engineers, and the university had managed to organize a visit, at our own risk. The owner of the building had made sure we’d signed a health and safety waiver before granting access.

And the caretaker only took us as far as the front door. He gave us his cell number to call when we were finished. When we asked him why he didn’t want to come in with us, he didn’t say but it was clear to me he was afraid of something.

But neither of us believed in ghosts.

“You can see aspects of cathedrals in the design,” Phil said. ” You could quite easily turn this space into a church.”

“Or a very large wine cellar.” I brought a thermometer with me, and inside where we were standing it was the ideal temperature to store wine.

Behind the teller cages were four large iron doors to the vaults. They were huge, and once contained a large amount of cash, gold, and whatever else was deemed valuable.

They were all empty now, the shelves and floor had scattered pieces of bank stationery, and in a corner, several cardboard boxes, covered in even more dust.

Behind the vaults were offices, half-height with glass dividers, the desks and chairs still in place, and some with wooden filing cabinets drawers half-open.

Others had benches, and one, set in the corner, very large, and looked like the manager’s office. Unlike the other office which had linoleum tiles, this one had carpet. In a corner was a large mirror backed cabinet, with several half-empty bottles on it.

“Adds a whole new meaning to aged whiskey, don’t you think.” Phil looked at it but didn’t pick it up.

“I wonder why they left it,” I muttered. The place had the feel of having been left in a hurry, not taking everything with them.

I shivered, but it was not from the cold.

We went back to the foyer and the elevator lobby. They were fine examples of the sort of caged elevators that belonged in that time, and which there were very few working examples these days.

The elevators would have a driver, he would pull back an inner and outer door when the car arrived on a floor, and close both again when everyone was aboard.

Both cars were on the ground floor, with the shutter doors closed, and when I tried to open one, I found it had been welded shut. The other car was not sitting level with the floor and the reason for that, the cable that raised and lowered it was broken.

Restoring them would be a huge job and would not be in their original condition due to occupational health and safety issues.

The staircase wound around the elevator cage, going up to the mezzanine floor or down to the basement.

“Up or down?” He asked.

“Where do you want to go first?”

“Down. There’s supposed to be a large vault, probably where the safety deposit boxes are.”

And the restrooms I thought. Not that I was thinking of going.

As we descended the stairs it was like going down into a mine shaft, getting darker, and the rising odor of damp, and mustiness. I suspect it would have been the same back when it was first built being so close to the shoreline of the bay, not more than half a mile away.

The land this building and a number of others in a similar style, was built on was originally a swamp, and it was thought that the seawater still found its way this far inshore. But the foundations were incredibly strong and extensive which was why there’d been no shifting or cracking anywhere in the ten-story structure.

At the bottom, there was a huge arch, with built-in brass caging with two huge gates, both open. It was like the entrance to a mythical Aladdin’s cave.

There was also an indefinable aura coming from the depths of that room. That, and a movement of cold air. Curiously, the air down there was not musty but had a tinge of saltiness to it.

Was there a natural air freshener effect coming from somewhere within that vault.

“Are we going in?”

I checked my torch beam, still very bright. I pointed it into the blackness and after a minute checking, I said, “We’re here, so why not.”

We had to walk down a dozen steps then pass under through the open gates into the room. There was a second set of gates, the same as the first, about thirty feet from the first, and, in between, a number of cubicles where customers collected their boxes.

Beyond the second set of gates was a large circular reinforced safe door high enough for us to walk through.

This cavernous space stretched back quite a distance, and along the walls, rows, and rows of safety deposit boxes, some half hanging out of their housing, and a lot more stacked haphazardly on the floor.

I checked a few but they were all empty.

I shivered again. It felt like there was a presence in the room. I turned to ask Phil, but he wasn’t there. I hadn’t heard him walk away, and there were only two sets of footprints on the floor, his and mine, and both ended where I was standing.

It was as if he had disappeared into thin air.

I called out his name, and it echoed off the walls in the confined space. No answer from him.

I went further into the room, thinking he might have ventured towards the end while my back was turned, but he hadn’t. Nor had he left because there were only footprints coming in, not going out.

I turned to retrace my steps and stopped suddenly. An old man, in clothes that didn’t belong to this era, was standing where Phil had last been.

He was looking at me, but not inclined to talk.

“Hello. I didn’t see you come down.”

Seconds later the figure dissolved in front of me and there was no one but me standing in the room.

“Joe.”

Phil, from behind me. I turned and there he was large as life.

“Where were you?”

“I’ve been here all the time. Who were you just talking to?”

“There was an old man, standing just over there,” I said pointing to somewhere between Phil and the entrance.

“I didn’t see anyone. Are you sure you’re not having me on?”

“No. He’s right behind you.” The old man had reappeared.

Phil shook his head, believing I was trying to fool him.

That changed when the man touched his shoulder, and Phil shrieked.

And almost ran out of the room. It took a few minutes for him to catch his breath and steady the palpitating heart.

“Are you real?” I asked, not quite sure what to say.

“To me, I am. To anyone else, let’s just say you are the first not got faint, or run away.”

“Are you a ghost?” Phil wasn’t exactly sure what he was saying.

“Apparently I am and will be until you find out who killed me “

Ok, so what was it called, stuck in the afterlife or limbo until closure?

“When?”

“25 years ago, just before the bank closed. It’s the reason why it’s empty now.”

“And you’re saying we find the killer and you get to leave?”

“Exactly. Now shoo. Go and find him.”

We looked at each other in surprise, or more like shock, then back to the man. Only he was no longer there.

“What the…” Phil sail. “It’s time to go.”

“What about the man and finding his killer?”

“What man? We saw nothing. We’re done here.”

I shrugged. Phil turned to leave, but only managed to take three steps before the gates at the entrance closed with a loud clang.

When he crossed the room to stand in front, he tried pulling them open.

“Locked,” he said. Flat, and without panic, he added, “I guess it looks like we have a murder to solve.”

© Charles Heath 2019-202

The cinema of my dreams – Was it just another surveillance job – Episode 26

I’m back home and this story has been sitting on a back burner for a few months, waiting for some more to be written.

The trouble is, there are also other stories to write, and I’m not very good at prioritizing.

But, here we are, a few minutes opened up and it didn’t take long to get back into the groove.

Maury drops in for a search

 

I moved to the doorway and switched off the light, sending the room back into inky darkness.  Not good for the eyes, going bright light to instant dark.  We stood together behind the door as it opened inwards, Jan ready with her gun.

The door opened slowly, at the same time letting light in from the corridor, making it easier to see.

Opened fully, the visitor tentatively stepped into the room, and once the shape moved past the door, I slammed it shut and Jan lunged with the gun.  

I was not sure what result she was expecting but the person fought back, and as they turned to wrench the gun out of her hand, I let loose a punch, aiming for the head, and as hard as I could.  I head a cracking sound followed by a thump as the body hit the ground.

When I turned the light back on, there were two surprises.  The first, that I’d managed to knock someone out, and the second, Maury was back for a second look.

Why?

It didn’t matter.  He wasn’t going to be unconscious for very long.  Jan had some twine in her room, I wasn’t going to ask why, and she tied his hands and legs together, trussed almost like a turkey.

We left him on the floor when he’d fallen.  Unconscious, he was too heavy to move, or lift.

“Is this man Severin, Maury or Nobbin?” she asked.  She’d saved the questions until after he’d been neutralized, and we’d taken his gun off him.  Also, a knife.  She’d also look through his pockets to see if he carried any identification.  He didn’t, and I wouldn’t expect to find anything.  At the moment I was the same, and since I threw the phone’s sim card, I was now completely anonymous.

“Maury,” I said.

“The attack dog?”

“Not able to attack us at the moment, but yes.  I wonder why he came back?”

“We should ask him,” she said, “when he wakes up.”

We were sitting in the chairs, turned around to face Maury lying on the ground.  He had wriggled, and realizing he was tied up, tried harder to escape the bonds, and then relaxed when he realized he couldn’t.

His eyes turned to us, and it felt like a death stare.  

“This is a mistake,” he said.  “untie these ropes and I might make an exception for you.

“Why are you here?” I asked him.

“That’s none of your business.”

“But it is mine.  This is my flat, and you’re trespassing,” Jan said.

He switched his death gaze to her.

“I’m not here to cause trouble.”

“Then why are you here?”

“To ask you if your next-door neighbor left anything here with you to collect at a later date.”

No doubt with a menacing attitude, which would end in violence because Maury was not the sort to take no for an answer.

“Most people would knock on the door, and politely wait until it was answered.”

Most people.

“I was told there would be no one at home.”

“And it couldn’t wait until I returned?  I’m sorry, but you have broken into my flat and I’m going to call the police.”

He looked at me.

“That’s not a good idea.  Tell her, Jackson.”

“I don’t work for you, or Severin, anymore.  In fact, when I went back into the office, I got dragged aside and interrogated.  No one seems to know who you and Severin are.”

“That’s because our operation was on a need to know basis.  How do you think our business works?  Not by telling everyone what you’re doing.  Now untie me, and I’ll be on my way.”

“No,” Jan said.  “Not until you tell us exactly who you are and who you work for, and why you deemed it necessary to murder O’Connell.”

Maury looked at me again, and there was no mistaking the anger.

“You do understand what the Official Secrets Act means, don’t you Jackson?”

“More or less.  But it depends on who it is you speak to whether that’s relevant or not.”

Back to Jan.  

“Who are you, then?”

“As you keep pulling out of your hat, it’s on a need to know basis, and, of course, we just tell everyone what we’re doing either.  But one thing I’m sure of, we do not go around killing agents.  As far as I can tell, O’Connell was working for an agency, possibly yours but I don’t think so, and in the course of his investigation, he came across some valuable information.  Information, I’m told, you want.  What is it and why?”

“Are you serious?”

He shifted his glare back to me.

“Seriously Jackson, who is this person?”

“Someone, I fear, who is going to cause you a great deal of grief if you don’t answer her questions.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.  I don’t have to tall you or anyone else the nature of my business.”

I saw her shake her head.  “I take it, that’s a no.”  She shrugged and pulled out her phone and dialed a number.  “Always the hard way with you people.”

“Sir,” she said when the call was answered.  “I’ve got a character named Maury tied up in my flat.  Breaking and entering for starters.  Yes, I’ll be here.”

She put the phone back in her bag.  “They’ll be here in ten minutes.”

All we had to do was hope that Maury didn’t have a backup.

© Charles Heath 2020

Writing a book in 365 days – 223

Day 223

When Narrative Demands Your Soul: The Cost of True Immersion

For some writers, the act of crafting narrative isn’t just about putting words on a page, or even just building worlds in the mind. It’s something far more elemental, an almost involuntary ejection of the self from its own physical confines.

I know this intimately because it’s the only way I can truly write. To breathe life into a story, to make characters feel real enough to touch, to render scenery so vivid you can smell the pine needles or taste the salt spray – I have to step outside myself. My body becomes merely a vessel, an anchor perhaps, while my consciousness, my very soul, slips free.

I don’t just imagine the protagonist’s fear; I feel the icy grip of it. I don’t merely describe a character’s heartbreak; I experience the searing ache in my own chest. I become a disembodied observer, a spectral presence flitting through the scenes I’m creating, sometimes embodying a character, sometimes simply witnessing from the shadows. It’s a full-sensory, visceral dive into the very fabric of the fictional world, a complete surrender to the narrative unfolding before me.

And while this process grants an incredible depth and authenticity to the work – allowing a truth to emerge that simply couldn’t otherwise – it comes at a profound cost.

The Exhaustion is Absolute.

Imagine running a marathon not with your legs, but with every fiber of your being, every nerve ending firing, every emotion you possess stretched taut. That’s the post-narrative crash. When I finally pull myself back into my body, back into the ‘real’ world, I’m not just tired; I’m depleted. My mind feels scoured clean, my emotional reserves drained. There’s a hollowness, a reverberation of the story’s echoes in the empty spaces I’ve left behind. It’s a mental, emotional, and even physical fatigue that can linger for days, sometimes weeks.

The Danger is Real and Insidious.

But exhaustion is only part of the story. The true peril lies in the blurring of lines. When you exist for hours, days, weeks, suspended between worlds, there’s a risk you might not fully return. What if a piece of you remains, tangled in the narrative threads, forever attached to a fictional trauma or triumph?

Sometimes, the stories I enter are dark. They contain pain, despair, violence, or profound loss. When you don’t just observe these things, but experience them, even in a detached, spiritual sense, the impact leaves a mark. It’s like journeying through a treacherous wilderness, encountering shadows and beasts, and hoping you emerge whole. You wrestle with the emotions, the grim realities you’re creating, and they leave their imprint upon your own psyche. You carry the echoes of your characters’ suffering, the weight of their choices, long after the last word is typed.

And Redemption is Not Guaranteed.

This brings us to the most unsettling part of this peculiar creative process: one cannot be sure of redemption. There’s no guarantee that after venturing into the narrative abyss, you’ll fully reclaim your own self, untainted and unburdened. Will the lingering sadness fade? Will the fear release its grip? Will the trauma you’ve embodied truly dissipate?

There are moments, after a particularly intense writing session, when I feel a profound sense of dislocation, like an astronaut floating untethered, looking for a way back to their ship. The world outside the narrative feels thin, unreal, and the world I just left, alarmingly vivid. The “redemption” I seek is the full, comfortable re-entry into my own life, my own skin, without the ghost of the story clinging to me. And sometimes, that re-entry is slow, fraught, and incomplete.

So, why do we willingly undertake this perilous journey? Why open ourselves to the exhaustion, the danger, the uncertainty of return? Because for some of us, there simply is no other way to tell the story with the truth and raw honesty it deserves. We chase that glimmer of truth, that visceral connection, knowing the cost. It’s a compulsion, a calling, a necessary pilgrimage into the heart of imagination, even if the destination sometimes feels like the edge of ourselves.

Do you recognize this feeling in your own creative pursuits? How do you return from the depths of your work? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

First Dig Two Graves

A sequel to “The Devil You Don’t”

Revenge is a dish best served cold – or preferably so when everything goes right

Of course, it rarely does, as Alistair, Zoe’s handler, discovers to his peril. Enter a wildcard, John, and whatever Alistair’s plan for dealing with Zoe was dies with him.

It leaves Zoe in completely unfamiliar territory.

John’s idyllic romance with a woman who is utterly out of his comfort zone is on borrowed time. She is still trying to reconcile her ambivalence, after being so indifferent for so long.

They agree to take a break, during which she disappears. John, thinking she has left without saying goodbye, refuses to accept the inevitable, calls on an old friend for help in finding her.

After the mayhem and being briefly reunited, she recognises an inevitable truth: there is a price to pay for taking out Alistair; she must leave and find them first, and he would be wise to keep a low profile.

But keeping a low profile just isn’t possible, and enlisting another friend, a private detective and his sister, a deft computer hacker, they track her to the border between Austria and Hungary.

What John doesn’t realise is that another enemy is tracking him to find her too. It could have been a grand tour of Europe. Instead, it becomes a race against time before enemies old and new converge for what will be an inevitable showdown.

An excerpt from “Strangers We’ve Become” – Coming Soon

I wandered back to my villa.

It was in darkness.  I was sure I had left several lights on, especially over the door so I could see to unlock it.

I looked up and saw the globe was broken.

Instant alert.

I went to the first hiding spot for the gun, and it wasn’t there.  I went to the backup and it wasn’t there either.  Someone had found my carefully hidden stash of weapons and removed them.

Who?

There were four hiding spots and all were empty.  Someone had removed the weapons.  That could only mean one possibility.

I had a visitor, not necessarily here for a social call.

But, of course, being the well-trained agent I’d once been and not one to be caught unawares, I crossed over to my neighbor and relieved him of a weapon that, if found, would require a lot of explaining.

Suitably armed, it was time to return the surprise.

There were three entrances to the villa, the front door, the back door, and a rather strange escape hatch.  One of the more interesting attractions of the villa I’d rented was its heritage.  It was built in the late 1700s, by a man who was, by all accounts, a thief.  It had a hidden underground room which had been in the past a vault but was now a wine cellar, and it had an escape hatch by which the man could come and go undetected, particularly if there was a mob outside the door baying for his blood.

It now gave me the means to enter the villa without my visitors being alerted, unless, of course, they were near the vicinity of the doorway inside the villa, but that possibility was unlikely.  It was not where anyone could anticipate or expect a doorway to be.

The secret entrance was at the rear of the villa behind a large copse, two camouflaged wooden doors built into the ground.  I move aside some of the branches that covered them and lifted one side.  After I’d discovered the doors and rusty hinges, I’d oiled and cleaned them, and cleared the passageway of cobwebs and fallen rocks.  It had a mildew smell, but nothing would get rid of that.  I’d left torches at either end so I could see.

I closed the door after me, and went quietly down the steps, enveloped in darkness till I switched on the torch.  I traversed the short passage which turned ninety degrees about halfway to the door at the other end.  I carried the key to this door on the keyring, found it and opened the door.  It too had been oiled and swung open soundlessly.

I stepped in the darkness and closed the door.

I was on the lower level under the kitchen, now the wine cellar, the ‘door’ doubling as a set of shelves which had very little on them, less to fall and alert anyone in the villa.

Silence, an eerie silence.

I took the steps up to the kitchen, stopping when my head was level with the floor, checking to see if anyone was waiting.  There wasn’t.  It seemed to me to be an unlikely spot for an ambush.

I’d already considered the possibility of someone coming after me, especially because it had been Bespalov I’d killed, and I was sure he had friends, all equally as mad as he was.  Equally, I’d also considered it nigh on impossible for anyone to find out it was me who killed him because the only people who knew that were Prendergast, Alisha, a few others in the Department, and Susan.

That raised the question of who told them where I was.

If I was the man I used to be, my first suspect would be Susan.  The departure this morning, and now this was too coincidental.  But I was not that man.

Or was I?

I reached the start of the passageway that led from the kitchen to the front door and peered into the semi-darkness.  My eyes had got used to the dark, and it was no longer an inky void.  Fragments of light leaked in around the door from outside and through the edge of the window curtains where they didn’t fit properly.  A bone of contention upstairs in the morning, when first light shone and invariably woke me up hours before I wanted to.

Still nothing.

I took a moment to consider how I would approach the visitor’s job.  I would get a plan of the villa in my head, all entrances, where a target could be led to or attacked where there would be no escape.

Coming in the front door.  If I was not expecting anything, I’d just open the door and walk-in.  One shot would be all that was required.

Contract complete.

I sidled quietly up the passage staying close to the wall, edging closer to the front door.  There was an alcove where the shooter could be waiting.  It was an ideal spot to wait.

Crunch.

I stepped on some nutshells.

Not my nutshells.

I felt it before I heard it.  The bullet with my name on it.

And how the shooter missed, from point-blank range, and hit me in the arm, I had no idea.  I fired off two shots before a second shot from the shooter went wide and hit the door with a loud thwack.

I saw a red dot wavering as it honed in on me and I fell to the floor, stretching out, looking up where the origin of the light was coming and pulled the trigger three times, evenly spaced, and a second later I heard the sound of a body falling down the stairs and stopping at the bottom, not very far from me.

Two assassins.

I’d not expected that.

The assassin by the door was dead, a lucky shot on my part.  The second was still breathing.

I checked the body for any weapons and found a second gun and two knives.  Armed to the teeth!

I pulled off the balaclava; a man, early thirties, definitely Italian.  I was expecting a Russian.

I slapped his face, waking him up.  Blood was leaking from several slashes on his face when his head had hit the stairs on the way down.  The awkward angle of his arms and legs told me there were broken bones, probably a lot worse internally.  He was not long for this earth.

“Who employed you?”

He looked at me with dead eyes, a pursed mouth, perhaps a smile.  “Not today my friend.  You have made a very bad enemy.”  He coughed and blood poured out of his mouth.  “There will be more …”

Friends of Bespalov, no doubt.

I would have to leave.  Two unexplainable bodies, I’d have a hard time explaining my way out of this mess.  I dragged the two bodies into the lounge, clearing the passageway just in case someone had heard anything.

Just in case anyone was outside at the time, I sat in the dark, at the foot of the stairs, and tried to breathe normally.  I was trying not to connect dots that led back to Susan, but the coincidence was worrying me.

A half-hour passed and I hadn’t moved.  Deep in thought, I’d forgotten about being shot, unaware that blood was running down my arm and dripping onto the floor.

Until I heard a knock on my front door.

Two thoughts, it was either the police, alerted by the neighbors, or it was the second wave, though why would they be knocking on the door?

I stood, and immediately felt a stabbing pain in my arm.  I took out a handkerchief and turned it into a makeshift tourniquet, then wrapped a kitchen towel around the wound.

If it was the police, this was going to be a difficult situation.  Holding the gun behind my back, I opened the door a fraction and looked out.

No police, just Maria.  I hoped she was not part of the next ‘wave’.

“You left your phone behind on the table.  I thought you might be looking for it.”  She held it out in front of her.

When I didn’t open the door any further, she looked at me quizzically, and then asked, “Is anything wrong?”

I was going to thank her for returning the phone, but I heard her breathe in sharply, and add, breathlessly, “You’re bleeding.”

I looked at my arm and realized it was visible through the door, and not only that, the towel was soaked in blood.

“You need to go away now.”

Should I tell her the truth?  It was probably too late, and if she was any sort of law-abiding citizen she would go straight to the police.

She showed no signs of leaving, just an unnerving curiosity.  “What happened?”

I ran through several explanations, but none seemed plausible.  I went with the truth.  “My past caught up with me.”

“You need someone to fix that before you pass out from blood loss.  It doesn’t look good.”

“I can fix it.  You need to leave.  It is not safe to be here with me.”

The pain in my arm was not getting any better, and the blood was starting to run down my arm again as the tourniquet loosened.  She was right, I needed it fixed sooner rather than later.

I opened the door and let her in.  It was a mistake, a huge mistake, and I would have to deal with the consequences.  Once inside, she turned on the light and saw the pool of blood just inside the door and the trail leading to the lounge.  She followed the trail and turned into the lounge, turned on the light, and no doubt saw the two dead men.

I expected her to scream.  She didn’t.

She gave me a good hard look, perhaps trying to see if I was dangerous.  Killing people wasn’t something you looked the other way about.  She would have to go to the police.

“What happened here?”

“I came home from the cafe and two men were waiting for me.  I used to work for the Government, but no longer.  I suspect these men were here to repay a debt.  I was lucky.”

“Not so much, looking at your arm.”

She came closer and inspected it.

“Sit down.”

She found another towel and wrapped it around the wound, retightening the tourniquet to stem the bleeding.

“Do you have medical supplies?”

I nodded.  “Upstairs.”  I had a medical kit, and on the road, I usually made my own running repairs.  Another old habit I hadn’t quite shaken off yet.

She went upstairs, rummaged, and then came back.  I wondered briefly what she would think of the unmade bed though I was not sure why it might interest her.

She helped me remove my shirt, and then cleaned the wound.  Fortunately, she didn’t have to remove a bullet.  It was a clean wound but it would require stitches.

When she’d finished she said, “Your friend said one day this might happen.”

No prizes for guessing who that friend was, and it didn’t please me that she had involved Maria.

“Alisha?”

“She didn’t tell me her name, but I think she cares a lot about you.  She said trouble has a way of finding you, gave me a phone and said to call her if something like this happened.”

“That was wrong of her to do that.”

“Perhaps, perhaps not.  Will you call her?”

“Yes.  I can’t stay here now.  You should go now.  Hopefully, by the time I leave in the morning, no one will ever know what happened here, especially you.”

She smiled.  “As you say, I was never here.”

© Charles Heath 2018-2022

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Writing a book in 365 days – 223

Day 223

When Narrative Demands Your Soul: The Cost of True Immersion

For some writers, the act of crafting narrative isn’t just about putting words on a page, or even just building worlds in the mind. It’s something far more elemental, an almost involuntary ejection of the self from its own physical confines.

I know this intimately because it’s the only way I can truly write. To breathe life into a story, to make characters feel real enough to touch, to render scenery so vivid you can smell the pine needles or taste the salt spray – I have to step outside myself. My body becomes merely a vessel, an anchor perhaps, while my consciousness, my very soul, slips free.

I don’t just imagine the protagonist’s fear; I feel the icy grip of it. I don’t merely describe a character’s heartbreak; I experience the searing ache in my own chest. I become a disembodied observer, a spectral presence flitting through the scenes I’m creating, sometimes embodying a character, sometimes simply witnessing from the shadows. It’s a full-sensory, visceral dive into the very fabric of the fictional world, a complete surrender to the narrative unfolding before me.

And while this process grants an incredible depth and authenticity to the work – allowing a truth to emerge that simply couldn’t otherwise – it comes at a profound cost.

The Exhaustion is Absolute.

Imagine running a marathon not with your legs, but with every fiber of your being, every nerve ending firing, every emotion you possess stretched taut. That’s the post-narrative crash. When I finally pull myself back into my body, back into the ‘real’ world, I’m not just tired; I’m depleted. My mind feels scoured clean, my emotional reserves drained. There’s a hollowness, a reverberation of the story’s echoes in the empty spaces I’ve left behind. It’s a mental, emotional, and even physical fatigue that can linger for days, sometimes weeks.

The Danger is Real and Insidious.

But exhaustion is only part of the story. The true peril lies in the blurring of lines. When you exist for hours, days, weeks, suspended between worlds, there’s a risk you might not fully return. What if a piece of you remains, tangled in the narrative threads, forever attached to a fictional trauma or triumph?

Sometimes, the stories I enter are dark. They contain pain, despair, violence, or profound loss. When you don’t just observe these things, but experience them, even in a detached, spiritual sense, the impact leaves a mark. It’s like journeying through a treacherous wilderness, encountering shadows and beasts, and hoping you emerge whole. You wrestle with the emotions, the grim realities you’re creating, and they leave their imprint upon your own psyche. You carry the echoes of your characters’ suffering, the weight of their choices, long after the last word is typed.

And Redemption is Not Guaranteed.

This brings us to the most unsettling part of this peculiar creative process: one cannot be sure of redemption. There’s no guarantee that after venturing into the narrative abyss, you’ll fully reclaim your own self, untainted and unburdened. Will the lingering sadness fade? Will the fear release its grip? Will the trauma you’ve embodied truly dissipate?

There are moments, after a particularly intense writing session, when I feel a profound sense of dislocation, like an astronaut floating untethered, looking for a way back to their ship. The world outside the narrative feels thin, unreal, and the world I just left, alarmingly vivid. The “redemption” I seek is the full, comfortable re-entry into my own life, my own skin, without the ghost of the story clinging to me. And sometimes, that re-entry is slow, fraught, and incomplete.

So, why do we willingly undertake this perilous journey? Why open ourselves to the exhaustion, the danger, the uncertainty of return? Because for some of us, there simply is no other way to tell the story with the truth and raw honesty it deserves. We chase that glimmer of truth, that visceral connection, knowing the cost. It’s a compulsion, a calling, a necessary pilgrimage into the heart of imagination, even if the destination sometimes feels like the edge of ourselves.

Do you recognize this feeling in your own creative pursuits? How do you return from the depths of your work? Share your thoughts in the comments below.